Lost Love

V. Doomed

I feel too drained today because of crying last night. Para akong lantang gulay sa sobrang pagkalutang ko, hindi ko namalayang madaling araw na kakaiyak ko kagabi. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi umiyak. Again, I doubted myself.

Dahil sa magaganap na final exam ko, hindi nanaman ako mapakali sa kung anu anong bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko. Matutupad ko ba talaga ang natatangi kong pangarap simula noon pa? Am I going to be a flight attendant anyway? I wanna to cry again, but I know that there is no turning back this time.

Matagal ko na itong iniwasan, kailangan kong lumaban sa takot na nararamdaman ko. Kailangan kong magpakatatag at kailangan kong lakasan ang loob ko.

I was driving myself going to the office, too lazy to give a damn to everybody. I feel a bit dizzy too.Ramdam ko rin ang pamumutla ko, siguro kulang na ang nutrients na naidudulot ng vegetarian diet ko, I reasoned out on the other side of my brain.

Sa dami ng araw na pwede naman talagang maramdaman ko lahat ng ito ngayong exams ko pa.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay nasa parking lot na ako ng office. I looked at the whole towered building in front of me. I got the talent, I got the brain, body and almost perfect height. I got everything I want but not this one. Not the dream I ever wanted to achieve so much.

I took a deep breathe and still,walk gracefully.

Maaga pa kaya dumaan ako sa cafeteria. I ordered my usual meal. Naghanap ako ng bakanteng lamesa at umupo na sa tapat ng lamesang iyon. I was eating peacefully when Elise my co worker approached me.

"Good morning Clem! You look sick, are you  okay?" asking me sincerely, umupo na rin sa tapat ko at nilapag na ang tray niya sa lamesa.

"Hmm, oo nga eh. Puyat kase kagabi. I got to hang out with some friends, so puyat." pag sisinungaling ko.

"Oh, ang hirap ng trabaho natin no? Kelangan ng fully pledged time and on call duty pag kinakailangan, by the way ngayon ang final exam niyo diba?" Napatanong siya bigla. I smiled timidly and nod at her.

"I heard about it. Usap usapan ka kase ng crew last flight. We were worried about you. Krista, our senior attendant is really amazed by your capabilities kaya pinagdadasal namin na malagpasan mo yung exam." I was flattered at the same time down. Natutuwa ako dahil yung crew na gusto ko ay may concern sa akin. My life is a open case. Every person who knows me also knows about my tragic past. Not literally the whole story. Not all my pains and sacrifices are known by the judgemental people. I heard so many rumors and fake news about me. Sometimes I got affected but most of the time I really dont care anymore.

"That was flattering Elise, really. Somehow it boosts my confidence. I guess I need to try my best to pass this one. Hopefully I can join your crew if I passed"nahihiya pero nilakasan ko na ang loob kong sabi sakanya.

"Ano ka ba? Im sure your tito Hank will place you to our crew. We are hoping too. Krista is a bit rough senior but Im telling you she's really a good one" halakhak niya. Napangiti na lang rin ako sa sinabi niya. Nagpatuloy pa kami sa kwentuhan at tawanan. Nang mapansin namin ang oras ay sabay na kaming tumayo.

"It was great catching up with you Clem, o paano? Mauna na ko ha? May flight pa kaming kailangan habulin. Goodluck sa exams mo ulit" sabi pa nito. She hugged me for goodluck and I hug her back. We parted ways and my mood is somehow lifted. Pagkatapos pa ng shift ko ang exams. Kaya pag pasok ko ng office dumiretsyo na ako sa locker room at nag bihis ng uniform.

I do my usual shifting works. Check in baggages,assist customers, offer better services and booking flights. On my breaks some passengers are always noticing me. I hear some are mesmerized by my beauty and some are mocking me telling that laos na daw ako sa career kaya ang bagsak ay pagiging attendant na lang. Nakaka lungkot lang talaga madalas na hindi kayang maging masaya ng lahat ng tao para sa achievements mo.