After All • Calum Hood (Sequel to ISTTY)

55

I'm almost arriving to the hospital and I can feel my legs shake, but I couldn't stop, I ask on reception for Madeleine's room and go straight to find it, when I finally found the room, I walked in without knocking -wishing it wasn't the wrong room- but there they were, Madeleine and Mali. Mali was trying to sleep, the lights were off, as soon as Madeleine opened her eyes and saw me, she started to cry

—Calum -she'd say in between sobs- I'm so sorry, please forgive me

I walk straight to hug her, trying to comfort her with everything that's going on, a couple of tears left my eyes. I hear Mali's movements so I deduct she woke up, now the only noise filling up the room are Madeleine's sobs. I let her go after some seconds -or minutes- and she starts to wipe away the tears from her cheeks. I turn around to see Mali, who also happens to have her eyes glossy, her eyes were puffy and red, letting me know she had spent the previous hours crying. I walk to her and sit beside her, hugging her as well

—Thank you -I mumble, she nods and breaks the hug-

—What happened? How are you feeling? -I ask looking at Madeleine and Mali-

—Calum, please, don't hate me -Madeleine begs whimpering- everything's my fault, I did everything wrong -she covers her face with her hand, crying again-

I stand up again to hold her and comfort her

—I think it's better if I leave you two alone, you've got a lot to talk about. Calum, I'll get you breakfast, Madeleine's breakfast is brought to the room -she says and without waiting for an answer, she leaves-

—Anything is your fault, babe. Your father was sick, it was something unstoppable even though we wished he wasn't -I rub her back while her face rest on my chest-

—You don't understand it, I'm not talking about my dad

—Madeleine -I stiffen up- why are you here? What happened to you?

—Please, promise me you won't hate me Thomas, promise me -she runs her hand through her hair desperately. I'm starting to feel impatient and scared-

—I promise, Madeleine -I assure her. Truth is I couldn't hate her, not her-

—I lost the baby -she says almost in a whisper-

The tension of my body reached to the rooftop, my hands began to shake and a hundred of images of Wyatt owned my mind

—Where's Wyatt? Where's Wyatt, Madeleine? -I ask desperately, looking straight at her eyes hoping to find an answer but she'd only look down at her lap-

—Wyatt's fine, Wyatt's with your mother

Calm reigned my body, but trying to understand everything, I realised: she was pregnant

—What baby are you talking about? Are you pregnant, Madeleine?

—I was -she starts to cry again and I stay there, perplex of what I was hearing. We were expecting a second child and none of us knew until she lost it-

—It's, it's not your fault baby, it's not your fault -I say trying to comfort her but still in shock with everything that happened-

How is it possible that I feel so sorry about losing somebody whose existence I didn't know about? It's unexplainable, but my heart feels like a piece of it had been taken away and left on a place that I could never find. The scenarios running through my head of Wyatt playing with a sister or brother didn't help me at all, my mind is mainly focused now on how would have been if Madeleine hadn't lost the baby. How would have been our story? Would it had been a girl or a boy? There are so many questions and so many scenarios were on my mind now that I can't help but feel empty... Without realising, I'm also crying

—It is my fault, my body... My body couldn't take it -she cries more desperately- it was our daughter or son, our baby, I was supposed to take care of him or her and I didn't, I'm a total failure

—You didn't know, don't put the blame on you. How were you going to take care of a baby you didn't know of? What happened with your father hit you by surprise, I guess the less you thought was that you were pregnant -I caress her shoulder-

—You don't get it, Calum. You don't

—Then explain it to me, I promise I'll try to understand you as much as I can -I try to get her to look at me but I fail, she wouldn't stop looking down-

—I knew I was pregnant and I still didn't take care enough not to lose the baby -she whispers-

I can't fully process what she just said, the whole situation made me feel blurry, dizzy and probably not feeling guided. I abruptly stand up from where I was and walk away as far as I can from her, stoping in front of the door, my back facing her. She knew, she knew she was pregnant and she kept that from me. The feel of betrayal overcomes me and I can't avoid to feel disgusted, nauseating, sadness and anger is what I can describe, how could she have kept that from me? From me, the father of that baby, her boyfriend, the person who's always been beside her no matter what. I don't even know what to do, it should I stay or should I go, I wanted and needed to be as far away from her as I can... Even though she needs me closer than ever

—Calum, please say something, I beg you. Don't stay there quiet, please -she's whimpering-

I turn around to face her, my face feels heated and I'm probably red due to the anger. I want to speak but words won't come out my mouth, just tears—I look down at my feet trying to control myself a little bit more or to stop overthinking as I'm doing right now

—Why? -I murmur looking down, it's the only thing that came out my mouth-

—It's my fault, I thought that keeping it from you will somehow keep you safe. It would prevent you from being anxious over the fact that you left three major responsibilities back in Australia while you were travelling around the world -she pauses and takes a deep breath- I thought of telling you soon, I'd go to a concert of yours by surprise and I'd tell you, but then my dad died and... -I interrupt her-

—Yes, then our baby died. Right? -I exclaim without the nicest tone ever. She'd only look down at her lap and play nervously with her hands-

—It was... It was a girl -she murmurs so low-

And the fact that she told me that made everything feel worse, more defined thoughts come to my mind, imagining myself holding a little girl, treating her like a little princess, teaching Wyatt how to be delicate with her

—You took everything from me -I say with despite- I never got to feel her, I never got to see her in any doctor's appointment, I never listened to her heartbeat just because you thought that it was better to hide it, but you never think! -I say and turn around ready to leave but her voice stops me-

—Calum, don't leave, please. I need you here, I need you more than ever -she whimpers a little more louder which makes me feel even more heated-

—I always look up to what you want and need, I've spoiled you so much with that, that you don't even see what others want and need, you only see what's best for you. I don't care if you're at your lowest, what I need is to be away from you and this time I'll put me as my priority instead of you.

I open the door and leave, listening her shouting my name one last time but I won't stop nor turn around. I'm really hurt this time. I wander through the hallways trying to find any cafeteria sign just to tell Mali I'm leaving and to also ask her to stay with Madeleine, after all, I wouldn't like her to be completely alone. The tears were streaming down my eyes when I ran into my sister, when she saw me, her expression turned into worry

—What happened, Calum? Is everything alright?

—Anything's aright and I'm gone, Mali. I don't want nor I can be close to her. Could you stay? -she nods- then I'll go to our mom's, I need to see Wyatt and be away from her

—Brother, think about it twice, Madeleine needs you more than ever

—I don't care, Mali, not this time