⚠️ suicide attempts, self harm ⚠️
tanas pov:
i woke up at 4am from this stupid reoccurring nightmare. luckily i didn't wake billie up, she was cuddled around me and it made me feel safe. i want to ask her out but i know she has said in interviews that she doesn't like commitment. also like it's defiantly not scaring asking out your idol who has saved your life like 3 times already. she's obviously saved
me after being shot but the other two times she doesn't know about and i wanna keep it that way. i have tried to commit suicide twice now and both times have been stopped before any damage was done. first time billie posted a general thing on her story about mental health. she said "if you're going through a lot right now just know it will pass and you're going to be okay. please don't die. dying is stupid, it ruins everyone else's lives around you if you die part of their heart dies with you so please get help it doesn't make you weak" which was weirdly timed. i felt like she knew what i was doing so she made me realise that acctually i should get help and i will be okay. the second time was really weird. i was on the rooftop of this tall apartment complex, it was after my first break up. i was going to jump when i felt someone grab me and pull me back, it was amelia, she clung onto my waist on the cold roof. she took her phone out and played a song billie had once played in a show, it was called listen before i go:
take me to the rooftop
i wanna see the world
when i stop breathing
turning blue
tell me love is endless
don't be so pretentious
leave me
like you do
i started to cry realising i, once again, wasn't the only one feeling this way and it just made me respect and love billie so much more. we don't really mention the suicide attempts anymore. they are apart of my past and as much as i regret them sometime i still want to jump. i want to leave and forget this cruel world. i just been watching billie sleep for the past ten minutes, her soft breaths are so cute and she just looks so peaceful. i just realised i haven't painted in ages and i want to make a peice about my suicide attempts. i know i know i said me and amelia don't talk about them but it's just gonna be a canvas with me stood at the edge of the roof before amelia came up, i'll add the lyrics from listen before i go around me.
~time skip 9am~
i've been working on this painting non stop and i just finished filling in the apartment complex. i just needed to add me in. i stared by sketching in my torso and my legs, then my arms and head. i don't remember what outfit i was wearing on the roof so i'm just gonna put me in the outfit from the hospital, mostly because it's easy to draw a hoodie with a blōhsh on. i sketch in the clothes and add the all the details onto my face.
~time skip 10am~
i've almost finished. i'm just adding in the last few words of listen before i go. i'm stopping at "turning blue" because otherwise anymore words would look clustered as hell.
billies pov:
i wake up and tana isn't next to me. i jump up and run to the bathroom to see if she's cutting her arm up again. she isn't in there which is a sigh of relief she isn't cutting but more worry for her whereabouts. i go down stairs and she's sat there painting on this massive canvas, it looks like her on a rooftop with my song lyrics around it. it's so beautiful but also worrying, i want to know if she's okay. "that's so beautiful tana oh my god i forgot you did art" she jumped round as i said that "i- i uh b-billie uh yeah i uh paint sometimes" she stuttered and she turned the canvas away from me. i geuss she doesn't like me seeing her artwork. it's really amazing and i could watch her paint for hours, but she obviously doesn't want me near her art. "billie are you good?" tanas snaps me out of my thoughts.
tanas pov:
after i turned my painting around billie looked really sad but was just kinda spaced out. "billie are you good?" i asked as she looked up at me "i uh yeah sorry i'm fine, i just zoned out i geuss" she stuttered shifting her glaze away from me again. we just sat their in awkward silence. i just wanted to die right there and then. the silence was deafening; i feel like i couldn't breathe, the air was too thick and the room was overheating. i got up and ran to the bathroom hoping i'd be able to breathe again. just once more....
SORRY, i didn't forget about this book i just haven't had time to write and i'm always tired haha. this is shorter than normal as well so oops sorry again 💖💕
