⚠️self harm ⚠️
tana's pov:
i slipped into the bathroom. i couldn't breath, my breaths were practically nonexistent. i was having another panic attack, luckily i was quiet; billie couldn't hear me. i opened my cabinet and reached my blades. i was relived that billie had left them in here, i was worried she'd removed them. i started to cut my arms thinking about what i'd do if billie found out about my attempts. i would never look at her the same, i mean for fuck sake she look at me like i'm some crazy physco person who needs help. i don't need help i'm fine, i have my coping mechanisms. i moved the blade from my arms as there wasn't much left to cut, down to my thighs. cutting deeper than i ever have before. i don't want billie near me anymore, well i want her near me but i can't do this. she's making all of this worse, she's trying to stop me cutting, imagine what she'd do if she knew what i was doing right now. i just wanna disappear. i wanna die. i want to be gone. no more tana. no one would miss me anyways, i'm such a burden on everyone; billie, amelia and my family. well what i have left of my family. i mean amelia has to deal with my constant crying and well as for billie. i fucked up her tour. i ruined everything for her. if i wasn't there she'd still be on tour performing, meeting her fans. i snap back to reality looking st the damage. it's bad. oh no. why'd i do this, i'm so stupid oh god. i started to drift out on consciousness. oh fuck. i can't hide this, i can't clean up. what have i done.
billies pov:
tanas disappeared she's been gone for about half an hour. i was gonna look for her about ten minutes ago but finneas has called me. he said something about a meeting and finishing a song he needed help on. i think tanas gone back to bed. i looked at her painting again, i shouldn't have as she made it clear i shouldn't see it but i needed to. she was really good at art. why didn't she want me to see it? what have i done wrong? is it because we kissed? did i do something else? i'm gonna look for her. i need to know what this is about. "tana?" i asked as i wonder into the bedroom. my heart sinks and she not in bed. shit shit shit. i left her alone for too long. "tana!" i shout loudly as i run over to the bathroom. i open the door and see tana just say their. unconscious, breathing, hearts beating just not here. "TANA NO!" i scream tears flooding my face again. "TANA PLEASE WAKE UP" i shake her trying to wake her up. i pull out my phone and call an ambulance. i cling onto her whilst we wait.
~time skip to hospital~
billie's pov:
we have been here one hour. doctors have told her she's now conscious but can't have anyone near her for her own saftey. they've had to put stiches in a few of her legs and arms. she's sleeping at the moment. mum and finneas are here as well as amelia. finneas is hugging me whilst i'm still crying.
i did this to her. i left her alone to long, i didn't think. i'm so stupid i need to stop giving her access to blades. im gonna go remove them all from her house right now. "hey finneas i'm gonna go back to tanas to do a few things, text me if people start being allowed in," "what are you going to do billie? and yeah sure i'll text you," he replied pulling away from our hug. "i'm gonna go clean her bathroom and remove all the blades from her house so she can't do this again. i'll be back in like an hour unless you text me" i walked away.
~time skip~
it's been an hour an a half, ive cleaned up her whole apartment, removed all the blades, put her art in her room, made her lunch and still haven't had a text off finneas. i decided i would go back now, i'm just driving back to the hospital when finneas called me. "hey bil," he softly said. "hey finn anything been said?" "nope nothing yet. i don't know what's taking so long she's been in two hour and a half i would've thought we would've had some news by now but nope sadly not" "oh okay well i'm on my way back to the hospital now i'm about 5 mintutes away so i'll see you soon" "okay bil love you bye" "byeee finneas" and with that the call ended. how the fuck haven't they had any news yet this is bull shit. i'm gonna ask when i get there.
i just met with finn and we are walking back to where we were sitting before. "im gonna ask the staff if they've heard anything yet or not" i tell finneas. we get to the front desk "have you heard anything else about tana?" i asked the nurse "yes she acctually allowed one visitor now if you would like to follow me," i smiled at finn and followed the nurse. as we walked into he room i saw tana looking the other way. "hey tana someone is here to see you" the nurse told her and then left the room.
tanas pov:
i know who it is and i don't want her here. i don't want her to see me like this. again. "i brought you some lunch, i thought you would prefer it over hospital food," billie spoke softly before approaching me. she handed me a box with a vegan burrito; classic billie. "thank you" i smiled before eating it. i don't want her to ask questions because she won't stop till she gets answers and i don't wanna tell her everything. "i hope you know we will talk, just whenever you feel ready, we need to get you to stop please," she spoke softly how can i say no to her. i mean she's still billie fucking eilish how can anyone say no to her.
A/N ayo i'm so sorry i'm bad at this shit and i feel like every chapter is sad as shit so can you give me some ideas on how to get it away from this shit. plus i've been working on my other book which i much prefer and i'd love for you guys to check it out :)
also i wrote this chapter like over two / three weeks ago and i thought i published it
