Skinny Love | l.h.

13

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since the last time I saw Luke. You would think we would've ran into each other by now or maybe Luke would've shown up to convince me not to listen to Ashton anymore, but he hasn't.

Ashton has seemed a lot more relaxed since I've stayed away from Luke this long and I'm glad but the way I feel about everything hasn't seemed to change. I still feel extremely guilty and I doubt my decision everyday but I've still managed not to show up on Luke's doorstep. This is something I've considered plenty of times, believe me.

I won't deny that the times I've gone to Michael's I was hoping for Luke to show up unexpectedly but of course he never did. Part of me wonders if Luke resents me for what happened and he won't even bother speaking to me again. I wouldn't be surprised. I probably wouldn't want to talk to me ever again either.

I haven't been sure of what to do all day so I decided to take a walk. This is probably the third walk I've taken this week out of boredom. I would've gone to Michael's or maybe Ashton's instead but being at Michael's just makes me think about Luke and Ashton just happened to be busy. He's been busy almost every time I've asked to hang out this week but he won't tell me why. He tells me I have nothing to worry about but it's things like this that add to my suspicion that he's hiding something from me.

I watch as my white converse hit the pavement in front of me and feel the slight breeze blow my hair off my shoulders. It really is a beautiful day and I'm glad I took advantage of it instead of sitting around the house.

I don't realize how far I've walked until I finally look up to see I'm walking right by Luke's house. I bet if I never actually looked up the moment I did I never would've noticed I was walking by it. Now I've found myself frozen in place, my feet unable to move. I hate myself for spotting Luke's house and I keep telling myself to keep walking, but my eyes are still glued to Luke's front door.

He hasn't been around for three weeks and I really wonder if he's doing alright. I can't help but worry about him since he hasn't been in the best state because of what happened to him with Vanessa. What if by me not being there for him I just made things worse for him? We never really established a close friendship but I'm obviously one of the only people he's able to open up to.

My feet begin to walk themselves to his front porch and I don't bother to stop myself. When I'm standing in front of the maroon-painted door, my heart begins to race from nervousness. I almost have the urge to turn around and just forget about even seeing Luke since I'm so afraid of what the outcome of this will be. That seems like a better option but what if I won't see him again? I know that after this moment I'll probably convince myself to never come by again. I might as well take this change now no matter what happens.

I quickly leave three knocks on the door and await an answer. I'm relieved I worked up the guts to finally knock on Luke's door but my nerves haven't calmed completely. Taking a deep breath, I start rocking back on my heels. Was this a good idea? Well, there's no going back now.

About a minute or two passes by and no one has answered the door. Did I knock loud enough? Maybe I should've rang the doorbell instead.

I look towards the driveway and don't spot any cars parked in their usual spots. Maybe no one's home and I should just leave.

All of these thoughts seem to be racing through my mind at a million miles per hour.

Instead of going for a second attempt, I turn to leave. I don't want to seem desperate by knocking again. This is probably a sign that I'm better off just not bothering Luke and I don't know if I'm okay with that. Maybe another opportunity to see him will come again but I won't initiate it purposely.