home//fillie

chapter 8

millie

one month later

sadie and i decided to hang out today. wyatt was hanging out with jaeden. it almost seemed like he did more and more of that these days.

we got ice cream, watched a movie, went shopping, and made cookies, it was practically a perfect day. except it kept bugging me that for multiple saturdays in a row, i was hanging out with sads, or noah, because my boyfriend kept hanging out with his best friend. instead of his girlfriend.

"why aren't you hanging out with wyatt, millie?" my red head best friend asked.

"um he's just busy today."

"he seems like he's always busy." she responded. and she was enirely right. i just didn't want to admit that. i thought that i was finally in a relationship that would last awhile. it just seemed so perfect.

"people get busy sads. it's fine. we're fine." but in truth, in the last month, we've spent less and less time together. everyday, he seems to get increasingly distant. but i wanted to make a last ditch effort. i was going to surprise him tomorrow. and our relationship was going to be back on track.

***

i awoke to sadie thrashing in her sleep. she kept muttering things, and it seemed like she was crying. "neil stop! you're going to kill him! no. no. no! what have you done? billy! no, not mom! stop."

i ran to sadie's bed. 'it's okay, sads. wake up. it's just a dream. it's just a dream." sadie was awake and crying now. i pulled her into a hug. i don't know how long we stayed like that, the side of my t shirt was wet and her crying had finally subsided. she pulled away.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to wake you up. i'll be fine, go to bed."

"sadie, it's okay. and you're obviously noy fine. do you want to talk about it?"

she hesitated, "i haven't told you how i ended up here."

she hadn't, of course i was curious. but i had never asked, i assumed that if she was comfortable talking about it, she would tell me. i think only caleb knew, and it wasn't his story to tell.

"my dad left when i was little, and it was just my mom and i for awhile. then she met this guy, neil. they got married, he had a child. a son, about four years older than me, billy. billy's mom died when he was younger. neil was abusive, he would beat billy pretty bad. one day he was so drunk and angry, he was going to hit my mom. billy stepped in to protect my mom. he died. neil killed him. i called 911 but by the time they came, my mom was dead too. he's in jail for life. i was never super close with billy. he was rough around the edges, but i still loved him. and he loved me."

she paused, "right after that, i was placed here."

"i'm so so sorry sadie. i can't even believe what that must have been like." i give her a gigantic hug.

she shrugs, "we all have trauma."

***

i knocked at the door of the oleff household, about to surprise wyatt. his mother answered the door. "hi millie!"

"hey mrs. oleff, i'm here to surprise wyatt."

she looked confused for a moment, then a little sad. "wyatt didn't tell you? he's hanging out with jaeden today. sorry honey."

"oh you know what, he did actually. it must have just slipped my mind. sorry." i lied. wyatt did not tell me. in fact, we haven't texted today.

'oh..okay." mrs. oleff smiled, "do you want to stay?"

"no, no. i should get home. bye, mrs. oleff. but could you not tell wyatt, i'll just surprise him again, a different day. so i don't want him to know.'

"okay dear. bye."

tears trickled down my face as i walked down the pathway. i don't even know why i was crying. i just felt so stupid. more tears rushed down my face as i got in the car. i had to beg caleb and sadie to use it, they were going to go hang out. now i was going to have to explain why i was back twenty minutes later. so stupid.

***

it was lunch time. wyatt was too busy talking to jeaden, to make plans with me for the party on friday. finn was talking to iris. sadie to caleb. i ate my lunch in silence, looking at my phone.

***

lonliness. it's a funny thing. you can be completly surronded by people, and feel lonely. but you can be alone, and be happy. you can feel alone and not be lonely. i wasn't alone. i was lonely. i've felt lonely for awhile. sometimes though, that feeling goes away. lonliness is being in a huge crowd, or a group of friends, and feeling like you're completly invisible. lonliness is dark, and cold, but also insufferable heat. lonliness is drowning in a sea of people. believing that existance is insignifigant. lonliness is a bad dream that you cannot be awoken from. lonliness is dying at every moment.

the thing is, i have friends. i have people that care about me. the feeling of guilt manifests in me, because i have people that care about me. but they don't care enough, cause i'm still alone.

and you probably think i'm stupid, she feels alone one time during lunch. and now she's talking about how lonliness is dying. but it isn't just one time. lonliness is always.

i remember when the feeling of lonliness was almost constant. it was about a month after jacob and i started dating. he wouldn't let me see anyone, or go anywhere without him. i couldn't talk to them without jacob's judgemental gaze telling me i shouldn't.

and sometimes i still hear that voice.

***

it was wyatt and i's first date in awhile. we were laying in a field. we had a picnic earlier. now we were laying on a blanket. it was that feeling after you eat, you're stomach is full, and you feel happy and content.

there's too types of silence. first the awkward silence. where nobody knows what to say. the tension is thick in the air, and everyone feels uncomfortable. and the second silence, the comforting one. where you don't need to say anything. the silence is nice, and enjoyable. you can bask in the silence, and enjoy the company of the other person, without even saying anything.

wyatt and i were silent, and it wasn't the latter silence.

i was a lil busy recently. I had to go to the doctors and I got a blood test and I hate needles lol. I couldn't even watch. I got tested for celiac disease which I hope I don't have bc I love bread.  anway next chap has tea. -em