home//fillie

chapter 14

millie

you could say that i've been wallowing for a couple days now. i'm not usually one to let anything get me down. this was quite different though. finn hasn't tried to talk to me again. however he wasn't given much of an opportunity. i rarely made it out of my room. sadie and noah usually kept me company. even if i didn't talk. which i appreciated. i was feeling lonely. but at least i wasn't alone also.

when i did make it past my doorway, finn was never around. i didn't know where he was.

everyone else was walking on eggshells around me. i could hear their hushed whispers. afraid if they said the wrong thing, it would set me off. into a fit of sobs or rage, i don't know.

it was hard to articulate just how i was feeling. the simplest way to put it was sad. i was sad that finn cheated on me. but also embarrassed and betrayed. angry too.

i was currently laying in my bed. surrounded by my duvet and fuzzy blankets. it used to be finn. i guess my blanket will do now.

i heard a knock on the door. i assumed it was sadie or noah. i didn't respond. it took a lot of energy to talk. i didn't have that energy.

joe walked through the door. "millie."

"joe." joe had made numerous attempts to talk to me. i ignored him. i ignored everyone actually.

"i thought you might like to talk to someone. since you don't want to talk to me. which is fine. anyway she's downstairs." joe motioned for me to get up. i didn't want to.

"joe. i don't want to."

"millie please. it'll help. i promise."

i was silent. i know joe just wanted to help. maybe it would be good?

"fine." i groan, getting up from my bed. i don't want to think about what i looked like. my hair was oily and i probably had terrible bags under my eyes. oh well.

my pajama bottoms drag on the ground slightly. they were big and cozy. my sweatshirt was oversized. if only i could dress like this forever. though at some point i need to get my shit together.

i was pleasantly surprised to see who was waiting on the couch. robin.

we had met a couple times, and everyone loved her. she was like the cool aunt.

"millie!" she beamed. "hi!"

"hey robin." i greet. not able to muster quite as much enthusiasm.

***

"i just don't understand." i tell her. almost in tears. you can hear the distress in my voice. "why he would do it. i thought we were doing really well."

"sometimes you'll never know why someone does something. they might not know either." robin says, sympathy in her eyes. "and i'm sure you were doing well. but maybe there were things about finn that you didn't know. that explains why he would do that."

i sigh. "i finally felt happy. really happy. and i feel stupid for thinking it would last. that we could last. nothing in my life lasts." i used to think that i could deal with change. but now i'm not so sure. this change feels like something i won't ever get over.

"maybe you should see it like this. finn did make you happy. be happy that he did make you happy. and know that if you and finn didn't last. it's because something else will. everything happens for a reason. even if it seems like the end of the world."

***

i finally decided that i needed to get out of the house. i didn't feel like hanging out with sadie or noah because they just looked at me in pity.

pretty much all of my friends, were finn's friends first. i didn't want to see any of them.

so apparently my only the other choice was my other cheating ex boyfriend, (the one that isn't in jail.) wow. how did this happen?

i grabbed my phone and ran downstairs and out the door. i didn't bother to tell anyone where i went. they probably would assume i was just in my room.

i saw wyatt's car parked. his car was the location of a few kisses, that i now presume weren't very enjoyable for him.

"hey." i gave him a close lipped smile. i felt as though meeting with wyatt could go in two very distinct ways. one, it helps immensely. he gives some life changing advice and we bond and become best friends. or i fall into a pit of despair and wallow in my misery over all my cheating ex boyfriends. hopefully not the latter?

"i'm really sorry millie." he faces me, his expression unreadable. it wasn't pity, which i appreciated.

"about cheating on me? or finn cheating on me?" i meant it as a joke. but it came out blunt and serious. i swallow a lump in my throat and tap my foot against the side of the car.

"er, both, i guess?" he responded. "both pieces of shit though."

"at least one had a good reason."

wyatt shrugged. "finn's a piece of shit. is that what you want to hear? he is then. and he probably had no reason to go off and kiss that bitch maddie. he made a mistake. and you have to decide whether the mistake is forgivable. whether finn is worth forgiving."

i nodded, "when did you become so wise wyatt?" i laughed a little. it was really good advice. i just didn't know if how i would decide that.

wyatt smiled, "jaeden has taught me a lot I guess." he paused, "whatever you decide, it'll be okay. you'll make the right decision. even if it doesn't seem like that in the moment."

hola! when i was writing this I just got back from San Diego. my younger sister had a huge soccer tournament. unfortunately it was kinda a bad trip lmao. I got an upset stomach and threw up on the first day. anyway Clairo released immunity and I'm happy! -em