MY POETIC DIARY

PSYCHOLOGICA ABUSE

I've learned so much from you
while you kept beating me down
I've been a victim in your narcissistic games
Oh, how you have given me all your brainwashing
manipulating shame.
I've even got good at playing I'm doing just fine
when you come walking in our bedroom;
My body learn to deaden up
I even learn to play tough
when you get to ruff.
You are the one always pointing the finger
telling me so many lies
just to keep me so confused about your abuse,
Somehow I got lost in all your darkness
your madness
your evil mental games
you make me feel so ashamed.
All I ever do now is cry in the silence of the night,
I become so good pretending everything is alright
But the truth is, I don't even remember
having anything good in my life
when you came in it
you got me feeling I couldn't function without you.
You would always be withholding true feeling from me
you let me believe everyone is against me,
I became dependent on you,
because I didn't know anymore who I could trust
or what it feels like to just let go
because most of the time I would be in a world of anxiety.
Where fear and depression started making a home
where all I could ever see is the painful grey
a world of emptiness
that has taken over my life;
You would come around acting as if you cared
act as if you truly loved me when you are around others.
You would persuade others I had lost my way
I got where I became so isolated;
You had psychologically manipulated me
you were hoping I would have lost my mind
while you went around playing the nice guy.
But what others didn't know
You are a beast to me
you were trying to kill me slowly,
Soon again when you thought
I was catching on to your game
You would put me in the whirlwind of romance.
Soon the dimming lights would soon go out
every time you came around
I started to feel I'm about to die
Oh, how this makes me cry,
I don't remember ever feeling like this before
I don't remember what a healthy life feels like anymore.
Every time you come around
I start feeling so down;
you would act or say things that seem so bizarre
but when I would confront you
You would act as if you never said a word.
But I soon started seeing the mind games
So I started writing them all down.
I can only remember all the pains
and all the rains you brought my way,
it's crazy how you think you are all that
by breaking me down in front of your friends.
You think you are a man
I call you my nightmare,
You walked around the room put on a smile
like you are a true master of your evil crime
a genuine fool that is curling.
I never try to show any emotions to your game
I don't remember showing anything,
I cried out every night in my sleep
just let me free,
I don't want to pretend everything is okay
I don't want to live this away.
I want to heal
I want to feel what is real.
I want this nightmare to end.

-Judy Emery © 1997The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery.