You Want Me? Beg For Me [Niam]

~Start Anew~

I hate feeling like this. Like I'm hopeless. Ugly. Unloved. Worthless. Pathetic. Why am I alone? Why did this happen to me? What did I do?

Right, I guess you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about. So let me explain.

My name is Niall Horan. I'm nineteen years old and I go to a private school here in London, originally from Mullingar, Ireland. I'm Irish, brown hair, blue eyes and pale. I'm also gay. No this isn't a story of how the gay guy (me) gets bullied. Far from it. Although, sometimes I wish that were the case. Much better than reality.

You see, even though I'm gay, I don't get bullied, I'm treated normally. I've had...boyfriends before. But me, being the 'lucky' guy I am, had my heart broken EVERY single time.

Richard- my first boyfriend in ninth grade. Cheated in me with my best friend. Told me I'm pathetic and couldn't believe he'd dated me. Turns out, he was straight.

Ethan- tenth grade. Broke up with me in front of the whole school. Giving examples of how ugly I am. That was torture, I had to endure pity looks from everyone for the entire year.

Mike- twelfth grade. Caught him having sex with a guy in my room, in my bed. They didn't stop, they just told me to get the fuck out and leave them alone. I eventually had to remove the sheets, but that wasn't enlighten for me. I begged my mum to buy me a new bed, and after much explaining, she complied.

And Tyler. I just broke up with him two months ago. I really loved him and thought he was the one. How stupid could I have been? Sure he was sweet, protective, caring and loving with me. But I should've know it wouldn't last. He eventually became abusive. Punched, kicked, scratched and slapped me. But he always apologized right after. It got worse though. Soon he started...cutting me. Yeah you heard right. He would grab a knife and cut my stomach. But the stupidass I was stayed with him.

'Why the hell would you do that?!'

You're probably thinking how stupid, retarded, idiotic and suicidal I am. Go ahead. I don't blame you, I have the same thoughts when I remember those times.

You wanna know why? Because I loved him. Lame excuse but it's true. Even through the hell he put me through, I still loved him. But now, I don't know what I saw in him. Love makes people blind.

The day I had enough was when I saw him making out with a guy and a girl in his room one day when I was over at his place. I held back tears and told him we were over.

You know what he did? He laughed. Laughed in my face and said 'I wondered how long it would take you to grow a pair and finally realize I don't love you. I never have, don't and NEVER will. Look at you. All pale, boring eyes, skinny, scrawny. Who would want you? Get that in your mind Horan. No one will ever love you.' with that he laughed along with the guy and girl.

I couldn't hold it anymore. I just ran home, ignored my family and locked myself in my room. I cried, making a mess of the sheets, and fell into a self-pity state. I told myself HE was right. No one would ever want me. I soon fell into depression. Not eating, sleeping, talking, not doing anything. My friends, Louis and Harry, tried their best to cheer me up but nothing.

That lasted for a month. A whole month full of tears, self-starvation, sleep deprivation, not taking care of myself. It wasn't until one day that I saw myself.

I was coming back from the bathroom (yes I still used the bathroom, I didn't pee myself) that I looked in the mirror. And I saw what I had become.

I had become the very thing that was the reason for the break ups. I had become pathetic. Less than pathetic actually.

My eyes were a dull blue, almost gray like. They were lifeless. My skin was paler than usual. I looked like a walking corpse. I could faintly make the outline of my bones. My hair was a few inches longer and looked like haystraw. I couldn't believe that was me. So I lifted my hand and touched my cheek. The stranger in the mirror did the same thing.

That was the day I changed. I was disgusted with myself for doing this to myself. I couldn't believe I had let THEM do this to me. I was better than this and I would show them.

I had quickly taken a shower, dressed and gone to the store. I got new clothes, shoes, and dyed my hair blonde but left my roots untouched. I decided that I would change for he better. Sure I would still eat like I used to, but I would never ever get close to someone again. Not my patents, friends, not even Louis and Harry. I didn't want to be broken again.

I would block all those touchy, feelings out and build a wall around myself. A wall string enough to keep me safe, safe from the heart wrenching pain that love causes.

Love hurts. I learned that and I will never make the same mistakes again. I'm not saying love is bad, because it's not. You just have to love the right person or you'll get hurt. Badly. I would say what love is but who would I fool. I don't know what love is because I've never felt it. And I won't.

The trusting, caring, care-free, loving Niall is gone. The new Niall is here and better than the crappy one before.

I refuse to trust anyone.

Especially with my heart.