You Want Me? Beg For Me [Niam]

~Day 4~

Day 4: 11/16/12

I wake up feeling like shit. My eyes are heavy and I can feel the trails of dried up tears. My throat is dry and hoarse. My head is pounding due to all the sobbing and crying.

Yesterday, after Liam had left, my mum had come up to my room and asked if I was going to be fine. I just nodded not trusting myself to speak. She sighed but left to go somewhere.
After she was gone, the first tears escaped. Everything came rushing back. All the feelings, the pain, the memories. Everything. It was all too much for me to take so I just shut down, crying myself to sleep.
But now that I'm awake, I can feel them coming back.

I feel my eyes water and the first tear escapes.

There's no escaping the memories and pain.



I remember the sweet moments we had. He used to just say sweet things to me. He would caress my cheek in his hand, looking into my eyes while talking.



We were lying on my bed doing nothing. Tyler was absently playing with the tips of my fingers. He would occasionally press a quick kiss to my temple making me feel loved. Then he sat up and looked down at me. He cupped my cheek with his hand caressing it with his featherlight touch, making my stomach tingly.

"You don't know how precious you are to me." he whispered.

I looked up at his brown eyes, smiled and said "Same goes for you."

He shook his head and leaned down until our foreheads were touching, our eyes connected, his hands holding mine softly.

"You mean the world to me Niall. Whenever you smile, my life brightest up. Whenever you laugh my world is full of joy. Your beautiful blue eyes are hypnotizing. I could stare into them all day long and never get bored. I love how they shine when you laugh, smile and just talk about what you love. Your lush, soft skin is addictive. I love feeling your skin under my hand, loving how it flushes a sweet pink making you look adorable. I love how your lips pull up into a smile when you hear about food, Ireland, your family and me. Your my life, and without you it's not worth living."
I was blushing like crazy which had just made him chuckle and peck my lips softly.
"I love you Niall."





My head hurts from thinking about our moments like that. We would just cuddle up and do nothing. Just enjoyed each others presence, knowing we loved each other.

We had our fun moments as well. Just messing around while cooking or painting.





I was in the kitchen mixing the chocolate batter for brownies humming to myself. Tyler was sitting on the counter looking into space. I suddenly had an idea. I got a spoonful of the batter and flung it at him, hitting him on the cheek.

He turned to me shocked "Did you just fling that at me? Oh hells no!" he snapped his fingers in a 'Z' formation.

I rolled my eyes "Oh hells yeah I did."

"It's on Irish boy!" he yelled and threw the nearest for at me which was strawberries.

They hit me on my chest "Bring it British boy!" I yelled back.

I threw flour at him getting his hair. He managed to get some chocolate batter and smear it all over my face. I gasped in shock.

We ended up making a mess of the kitchen. We had thrown cookies, milk, eggs, vanilla pudding and other soft foods at each other. Eventually I slipped but brought Tyler down with me.

He straddled me and licked my cheek covered with batter.

"Hmmm, I like vanilla cream better." he said and winked at me.






I smile at the memory. Even though he was being cheeky, he was just playing. He never forced me into anything I wasn't ready for.

We had our banters, arguments and all but we always got through them. Until he came home drunk one day





I was at home waiting for my love to come home. Tyler had gone to hang out with his friends and promised to be home early. It was 11:35 pm.
I paced back and forth worrying about him. What of something happened to him? What if he got in an accident? What if he's de-stop! I couldn't think like that so I decided to just watch TV.

It was around 12:45 when Tyler came home.

Drunk. And pissed.

"Niall." he called out, his words slurred from the alcohol.

I was still awake, so I dashed over to him leading him to my room.

"Yes Ty? Are you ok?" I asked laying him down.

"Do you love me?" he asked suddenly.

I was taken aback. Not one time in our eleven month relationship had he asked that.

"You know I love you Ty." I replied.

"NO YOU DON'T!" he yelled and stood up towering over me.

"I love you Tyler, please believe me." I begged.

I was scared. His tall figure looming over me was freaking me out. His eyes were bloodshot and his mouth was in a snarl.

"You're a fucking bloody liar!" he growled at me.

Next thing I know, there's a stinging pain on my right cheek.

He slapped me.

I sniffled. It really hurt considering that was the first time he had hit me.

"Tyler please, just lay down." I suggested trying to be calm.

He grabbed me by the hair and got close in my face.

"Don't you tell me what to do you filthy piece of trash." he whispered darkly.

He let go and punched me in the stomach before leaving.

It's the alcohol. I told myself.

It's the alcohol.






That was the first time he had hit me. The next day he had apologized. I forgave him. But he continued with the abuse, always when he was drunk. I kept telling myself that it wasn't his fault. So I always went back to him.
Even after slaps which left my cheeks stinging with pain, after the punches leaving my stomach bruised and tender.

I sob remembering when he took it even farther. My back aches as if in remembrance.




"Tyler please stop!" I yelled at him.

Today was another day of abuse. He was punching me while I was trapped in a corner.

"Why? So you can go to your lover?" he snarled while punching my sides.
He was still thinking that I was cheating on him.

"I love you! And only you!" I cried telling the truth. But he didn't believe it.

"More lies!" he screamed and pulled me away from the corner throwing me on the floor. My sides ached in pain. I was going to have bruises in the morning. As always.

I looked up at him only to see him taking off his belt.

I started to hyperventilate. My breath quickened and I couldn't breath normally. Oh God. Please don't do this!

"Don't please! Don-AHHH!" I was cut off by the first strike to my back.

I felt a searing line of fire across my back. I arched my back in pain. He struck again and again. Each time leaving more lines if fire across my back, legs and bottom. When he finally stopped he looked at me breathing calmly.

As if this didn't affect him.

"Tell more lies and it'll get worse you worthless piece of shit." he slut out and left.

I was left on the ground writhing in pain, sobbing uncontrollably.






Just the memory of that has me breathing heavily and abnormally. The next day I wasn't able to move without crying out in pain. When I checked in the mirror there were red, thin lines. Momentos of that night.

Next came the cutting. But I had blocked out those memories so well that I don't remember them too well. Which I'm thankful for. All I remember is Tyler grabbing a pocket knife and making small, thin lines across my wrists slowly. Only adding more to the pain both physical and mentally.

Then he cut words on my stomach. He said something's but by then I had shut down trying to not feel the pain.
Even after all that...I still stayed with him. I forgave him, I loved him, I believed he loved me too.

The lovestruck moron that I was stilled loved him. I was too blind to see that he didn't love me. Too blind to see that he never meant any of his apologies. Too blind to see that he didn't care about me. Too blind to care about the pain he put me through.
Too blind to see he was never drunk when he abused and cut me.

I was exactly what he carved into my skin.

Worthless.

Unwanted.

Unloved.

Pathetic.

It wasn't until I found him with the guy and girl in his room that I was able to see the truth.

But it was too late. He left me heart broken. I haven't felt love after that moment. And I won't. But I'm just tired.

I'm tired of remembering. I may not forget entirely. But little by little, I'll say good bye to the memories.

'So sick of love songs

So tired of tears

So done with wishing

You were still here'



And maybe just maybe



I'll be able to love again.