Pride of the 90's

20

"I can't do this," I said, panicking in the bathroom mirror. The day of homecoming came and I spent the day at home, psyching myself up for the night ahead.

"Oh, you'll be fine," Mom replied, helping me tie my tie. One of the few benefits of growing up with all brothers, I guess. I don't know how. Every time I try, I get tripped up and wind up choking myself. My dad does, but I don't trust him with moments like this. I mean, I am panicking because I'm about to be with gay boyfriend in front of everyone.

"Nervous about seeing Madison there?" The thought hadn't actually crossed my mind. I don't doubt she'll be there, but I do doubt she'll even care about me being there. Until she sees Angel, in which case she may try to compete. I saw what Angel was going to wear and it really puts emphasis on here name. I'm just wearing a pink button up with white pants. Yeah, it's girly, but I like it.

But if it's girly, why does it exist for men?

She hasn't been to her homecoming and already accepted she wouldn't, since she and Rico have their own issues at their school. When I asked her to go with me, I didn't expect I'd be going dress shopping. I never minded it with Madison, but I thought being with a guy would be less...

Feminine.

"A little," I replied. "We did get together through last years homecoming, so I know it'll probably bring back a lot feelings for both of us."
"She's a strong girl, I'm sure she'll be okay." I'm not a strong girl, though, what if I won't be? "Have you spoken to her since you broke up?"
"Once. She's doing okay. It is Madison, after all."

There's going to be so many people there. How are we even going to get away? We never even talked about what to do if the plan fails or if part just won't be possible. Actually, we never even talked about a plan at all. As far as I know, there isn't one. I don't even know if I want this anymore. Maybe I can call and cancel. But Angel would be upset if I do. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. The closer this day got, the more I regretted saying yes.

"I guess I'm more nervous about..." Maybe now would be a good time to tell her since dad isn't around? "I don't know." She let go of the tie as I adjusted the collar.
"You always were an anxious kid. I remember your first day of Kindergarten, you wouldn't even let go of me. You were so afraid that everyone would hate you."
"I never walked away with any friends, so I'm pretty sure they did."
"You were all babies. The only thing any of you could hate was nap time. It took you months to finally be okay going and even then, you still complained." Wonder where I get that from. "Even when Haley came around, you were afraid of her."

Was there ever a moment when I wasn't supposed to be? And does she think I'm not?

"And then we became best friends, I know," I said, leaning against the sink. "I still blame you for that."
"You were always so afraid of everything and everyone, but it always worked out. Well, there was that one boy. What was his name?" Really hoped she didn't remember that.
"Ben. His name was Ben and he was an asshole."

Even still, I can't think of that name without shrinking into myself. I felt better about it, telling Brandon the whole thing, but it still hurts to remember.

"Yes, Ben," She said, sighing. "I wish things had worked out differently between you two." I think if I could, I would go back and do it differently. I wouldn't tell him how I felt, that's for sure. Maybe I would wait until we were older, see how things go. I don't think he did what he did because he hated me for being gay. If anything, it was probably just fear.
"What did you think?" I asked. "When I told you he...you know."
"When he kissed you?" She replied. "I believed you when you told me. I'll admit though, I had my doubts."
"Why? I'm your son, you're supposed to believe me about that stuff. You know, help me bury a body and all."
"And I will. I'm not saying I thought you were gay, but you were always different compared to other boys."
"What, like I was sensitive? More emotional? Is this about me trying on Sarah's flower girl dress?"