Pride of the 90's

27

I didn't want this.

I just wanted to be left alone and pretend the world didn't exist, like I was walking alone in a fog. I was comfortable with that. I liked having friends, sure, but I liked it better when I didn't have to worry about anyone, especially after the whole gay thing got out. Yeah, I'm gay, but why the fuck should they care? It's my life. After that, I was alone and I was okay with that.

But then, this cute little nerd had to come crashing into my life and make everything more complicated.

He tried so hard to keep away from me, but for whatever reason, he just couldn't. He never bothered me, so why did he have to come along and throw everything out of whack? It was like I didn't get a say in my life anymore. He just threw himself at me, like I was supposed to do something about it. He changed everything and I still don't know how to deal with it.

I took care of myself, I talked about my stupid feelings, I even got into fights because of him. He didn't make everything worse, but he did change everything and it all happened in one night. He ruined everything.

And I couldn't be any happier about it than I am now.

Danny got released two days later. Sarah signed him out. Apparently, she and their dad got into a huge fight, said she took a swing at him. Wish I could have been there for that. I spent the last two days taking care of him, making sure he wasn't in to much pain and keeping him distracted. I kept trying to hold him so he felt safe, but he kept pushing me away, said he was hurting to much.

I know he means I'm the one that hurt him, but I wish I could do something to make it okay again.

After he got out, my parent's took him with us, said he could stay with us until he's ready to leave. He was told not to rush it, let himself heal, but I get the feeling he doesn't wanna be here. They let him stay in my room with me, which I wasn't gonna complain about. I know we technically broke up, but I don't wanna be to far from him right now, so even if he was on the couch, I would've been on the other end.

He kept looking around my room, I guess 'cause of the mess, but I didn't have the energy to clean. After the fight, I was so mad I spent most of my time at the cliff and didn't even come home until three days later. I needed some time alone to think and process. I genuinely couldn't care less that everyone knew about me, but I didn't want them finding out about us. Yeah, it hurt me, being persecuted just for liking boys. After some time, it didn't even bother me. I grew numb to it.

I didn't want that for him, though. I wanted him to stay exactly how he was, but even I knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. I just didn't expect him to turn on me like that. Yeah, I know he didn't mean it and was just protecting himself, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. I felt myself die a little when he called me that, but after a couple days, I got over it.

Not really, though.

He needed me and I tried to be there for him, but I fucked it all up. He was so ready to be out, even if it killed him, and I took that from him. I thought I was protecting him, but I guess I was wrong. I don't know, maybe he was more afraid of his parents finding out and mad at me for taking all the blame, but I told him when we started this, what I say goes. No, I didn't expect to fall in love and make myself into a protective boyfriend, but still.

I don't think the fight helped, either. He's probably afraid to be around me. I don't blame him. I acted like a total monster that day. I thought I was defending him, but really, I was defending myself. I was hurt from all the years of them tormenting me and I couldn't control it, it just came out. I thought I didn't care anymore, but when the photos got around, it felt like it started all over again. Maybe if I hadn't done that, we wouldn't be here right now.