Pride of the 90's

25

I did it.

I told them the truth.

I told them I'm gay.

And my dad is standing there thinking of how best to let me know I'm a disappointment.

We were sitting in the living room in silence, my mom on the couch and me in the chair, my legs crossed because sitting normal just isn't an option for me, hoping I can wake up and all of this will be a dream. Rain poured down outside like bullets from a gun, thunder cracking like the trigger being pulled. It was all so loud I swear I felt the house shake. Either my nerves are rattling like chains in a haunted house or this is my damnation.

I want to wake up in Brandon's arms and have him hold me tighter and reassure me that none of this is real and that we do live in a world where this never happens. Instead, my mother is sitting quietly on the couch as my father just stands at the window, staring out of it with a cheap beer in his hand, thinking of the best way to make me feel like the miserable freak that I am.

"How long?" He asked, taking a sip of his off brand wife beating juice.
"How long what?" I asked, quietly.
"Don't play dumb with me, boy. How long has this been going on for?"
"If you're asking about me being...well, forever, I guess, but, it's more complicated than that."
"Complicated?" He said, looking back at me. "Whats so complicated about it? You're one of those faggots out of nowhere and you have the nerve to say it's complicated?"

Ruby slippers. Magic carpet. Pumpkin carriage that's white for some reason.Loaded gun that points backwards. Just a few things I wish I had in my pocket.

I keep glancing over at my mom, hoping she'll say or do something to make him stop. I don't know how serious she was, when she said she didn't care, but I hope she was serious enough to speak up. I don't think there's anything she can do this time to keep us from killing each other.

Not that I would want her to stop him from doing just that.

"I guess, since it's out there now, the photos aren't fake and Angel wasn't my date."
"Jesus Christ, Danny. Do you have any idea the position you put us in? Now, whenever we go to that school or show our faces in public, your mother and I are going to be seen as the parents of the fag! Are you happy now?!"

I sat quiet for a bit. I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to have this talk. Why? Why did I have to have this talk? Why did I have to tell them? Why do I have to be so stupid that I talk to myself all the time?

Each crack of thunder made me flinch, as if trying to wake me from this nightmare. My body continued to shake and shiver, fearing whatever comes next.

"Does Madison know about any of this?" He asked.
"Yeah. That's why we broke up. I broke up with her because I wasn't attracted to her and I was secretly using her."
"For what?"
"You put the pieces together." I'm scared, but I'm not about to let him talk to me like I'm still a kid.
"You should have stayed with her."
"I couldn't. I already met someone else."

I can't just shut up, can I?

"This is your fault," He said, pointing to my mother.
"How is this my fault?!" Mom asked.
"It's because you coddled him. You wanted another girl so bad, you made him into one."
"I didn't coddle him, I acted like a parent, making up for you not being around! All you ever do is work and whenever you're home, you're either drinking or taking your anger out on someone else!"

They're arguing about me like I'm not even here. Like I'm the kid they have to fight for custody. Do they really think this is their fault? Or that this is even about them to begin with? So much of my life is because of them, yet the one thing they argue over is whether or not my biology is anyones fault.