Skulduggery Pleasant One Shots

Saracen The Elder

I don't even know what's happening in this photo... But when I found it, it was labelled Dead Men HQ. The skeleton is Skulduggery, the guy in jail is Ravel, Valkyrie is the girl, that dude with the microphone is Shudder, Dexter is rubbing monopoly money all over himself and Saracen is making it rain on him. For some reason, Ghastly in pulling his eyes out. I think Skulduggery is lying on the board to claim it? Don't ask me. Just imagine a little, angry Madame Mist glaring at them disapprovingly.

Saracen was having a hard time as an elder. He didn't know why he accepted the post in the first place. Oh yes, that was it. So he could tell Skulduggery to shut up. Saracen frowned. But Skulduggery wouldn't shut up even when told, so his position was a waste of time. He turned his head towards the stack of paperwork on his desk. He couldn't even see over the tower! He was not going to do this paperwork. Hmmm... An evil idea began to form in his mind. He leant over the posh desk and pressed the sigil connected to his secretary's office.

"Athena! I need you to come here immediately! It's urgent!" He lifted his finger and lay back in his chair smirking. No more paperwork for him. Athena burst into the room, looking extremely frantic in full combat gear.

"Where's the duck?!" She yelled. Quite randomly I might add. Athena glanced around the room, scanning for any possible ducks. The lamp was not a duck. The Caelen shaped dartboard was not a duck. Saracen, no matter how much he may look like one, was not a duck. Then she saw the pile of paperwork, towering over Saracen, looking for all the world, malevolent.

"Oh my god! It's the most cruel torture ever! Paperwork!" Saracen nodded in agreement, but Athena could only see the sides of him, not his head. "Would you like me to do the usual with it Saracen?" She was glad Tipstaff wasn't here. She'd make her call Saracen, 'Elder Rue'. She wrinkled her nose in distaste. Although the title described his enthusiasm towards being an elder, she didn't like it. Authority could get stuffed, for all she cared.

"Yes please, Athena. I would do it, but I have very important business to attend to."

"Netflix isn't important."

"You're right, it's a necessity."

Athena rolled her eyes. "It's still not important."

"They just added the new Glitter Force season." Saracen announced excitedly. Athena gasped sarcastically.

"Well that's a completely different matter, isn't it?"

"Just do it Athena." Athena grinned. She was looking forwards to this. She turned into a scary looking serpent (accidently typed this as Serpine) and slithered out of Saracens office and down the corridor. People jumped out of her way, not wanting to cross paths with the scary looking serpent (or Serpine). She slithered around the corner and under the door to Ravels office. She entered the office and started moving on the floor, waiting for Ravel to notice her. He still wasn't looking up from his paperwork. She did a snake-like dance, still trying to catch Ravels attention. She hissed in annoyance. Oh yeah, she could hiss.

Ravel looked up from his desk, when he heard a hissing. It had better not be Tesseracts cat again. He looked down and saw a snake dancing on the carpet. Ravel leapt up onto his desk and screamed loud enough and high enough to make a fangirl proud. It however, was not a happy fangirl scream. It was the soul-shaking noise that exits a fangirls mouth when their favourite book series has been cancelled. It was plain to see that Ravel did not like snakes. He leapt off his desk, over Athena and ran to the staff room where he sat curled up in a corner for three hours, rocking back and forth, drinking hot-chocolate and reading fanfiction on this website he discovered, called Wattpad. He then typed up Skulduggery Pleasant, to see if Skulduggery had an account but was greeted with a tonne of Skulduggery Pleasant fanfictions. He frowned and clicked on the first one.

Athena quickly slithered back to Saracens office, turned into a human and grabbed the malevolent stack off paperwork. Saracen didn't even look up from his phone. Athena thought she heard a little, "Glitter Force makeover! Apply shades of power! Puppies and kittens, the power of love. I'm Glitter Peace!" The screen suddenly changed colour, turning Saracens face yellow. Athena internally shrugged, if she actually shrugged, the paperwork would go everywhere. Saracen could watch whatever he wanted, as long as he didn't force her to watch it. If he did, she would smash the screen of whatever was playing. 

She turned around and stalked out of Saracens office and down the corridor. The sanctuary agents still parted for her, even when she wasn't a snake. You do not mess with a secretary. They hand out paperwork. She stopped next to the staff room. She listened intently, she thought she heard something.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ravel wailed, "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? YOU'RE DEAD! WHAT'S HAPPENING!?" She peeked her head around the corner and spotted Ravel yelling at his phone, tears streaming down his face. "WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE ME A TRAITOR IN THESE STUPID FANFICS?! I WOULD NEVER WORK WITH MEVOLENT! IDIOTS!" Athena slowly backed away from the door before proceeding down the corridor. Everyone's gone insane. She reached Ravel's office, pushed open the door and dumped Saracen's paperwork on Ravel's desk. He wouldn't know the difference. She smiled. Mission accomplished. 

She walked back down to the office of the Saracen. "Do you need me to do anything else?" She asked Saracen sarcastically. Saracen leapt up from his chair and shoved his screen in Athena's face.

"LOOK! EMILY-IN-CANDY'S-BODY TURNED INTO A GLITTER FORCE WARRIOR! LOOK!" Athena grabbed the phone and smashed it. Saracen could watch whatever he wanted unless he made her watch it. She pointed at the broken phone in her hand.

"Look. Your phone needs a 'glitter makeover'." Saracen looked at his phone on the floor before shrugging. He pulled another one out of his pocket and immediately started watching the sparkle show again. Athena slowly backed out of the room, for the second time that day. Everyone here was insane.

Okay. I don't even know what that was. Part two will be the sleepover. I might write a story on someone reading Skulduggery Pleasant fanfiction on Wattpad. I don't know. Go follow Athena_Danger or face the wrath of...

authors killing your favourite characters and letting the horrible ones live. Yeah. That's totally a curse.

-Your Hungry Author (I need to eat something. I'm starving.)

Ps. I have an epic one shot planned. It might turn into a full blown story. I'll just wait and see.