My dearest K.

5.

24 January 2015

My dearest K.,

It's raining today... just like it did on our first date. We were running like crazy to find a shelter when you noticed that shattered house on the edge of the street. I still feel stupid that I thought it was all part of your plan so to make a romantic date (you couldn't build a whole house, could you?). I remember trembling like a leaf in autumn, laughing more than I had ever laughed... just to find myself one second later in your hug. God, your chest still feels like home and you really owe me a long hug when you come back because I have been wandering for about one week homelessly. Lost in that scent of yours, you told me something, remember: "You know, your laugh is that kind of sound that drags me by the damn collar, through the bullshit clouding my mind and infecting my thoughts. You deserve more than a broken man can offer and I will fight like hell just to deserve you". You really melted the whole of my insides. What you didn't know is that I was a complete mess just like you. People say you can't fix mess with mess, but we do that baby... we fix each-other in the best possible way and no one can deny that. So today, I came down here in this shattered house hoping I could feel your presence while trying to give an answer to your previous question: "How do you give yourself without losing yourself?"

No baby, you can't. You can't give yourself to someone you love without losing it. Every time and again, tiny pieces of your "plasmatic inside" will fall in the hands of others until you find yourself completely and utterly consumed by the other. And when you feel like you have had enough of your pieces broken down, you will need to evaluate yourself and others (no I'm not being nerdy): What if you are giving the right pieces of yours to the wrong persons (and I have done this many times)? Some people are just like a sponge: they absorb and absorb and absorb you until there's nothing left but some useless trash that needs to be thrown away.

You keep telling me that you can't love others if you don't love yourself, but some of us love others so much that we have no love left for ourselves. And in this over-consuming storm of giving and taking, I find myself always running and shutting people down to stop them from absorbing everything I have or chasing and reaching for them willing to let them take more of me.

I love you big boy... and I know that at the end of this letter you will be asking yourself: "What about me? Will she lend me some of her pieces?", but let me clear your little insecurities. I can't lend you some of my pieces baby, I am sorry. We have become one now and "lending" would not be the right term... because you already own them and you know what's even scarier... that I will be chasing after you to give more and more even when there's nothing left... I know you are doing the same for me, darling.

Forever yours,

D.