My dearest K.

6.

7 February 2015

My dearest K.,

Jane is throwing a party tonight... no, I don't want to go... it just doesn't feel right without you. I remember the first party you took me... it was beautifully disastrous. You ended up in a fight with that boy that was eyeing me the whole time. I had to come in between of you too to prevent the boy's death... man your veins in the neck were pulsing like crazy. I still wonder if they would have exploded in fumes. When I took you outside of that house, you had your nostrils flaring from anger and I had my eyes full of tears and was really freaked out. You stepped towards me, hugged me so tightly that I thought I could get lost inside you and while kissing my forehead, you murmured "I'm sorry baby for frightening you. I told you should have stayed away. I am that monster your mother warned you about when she told you not to walk alone in the dark." In those moments, I have never felt that eager to have the full power to stop those fucking demons from telling you are a bad person because everyone is bad in someone's story. In my story, I don't care if I fall in love with the monster as long as that monster will love me the way he loves the darkness. So this night I came just in front of that party house and sat on a stone, hoping that something was left of that hug you gave me, because I really needed one before starting to think of your question: "Would you rather explore a new planet, or the deepest parts of the ocean?"

It's becoming apparent that l love darkness because every time it knocks I can't help but let it in. I would choose the deepest parts of the ocean. Exploring a whole new planet would be fascinating...new people, new places and you know how scared I am of change and new things, so save me the anxiety of immersing myself in a wholly unfamiliar world. If you are thinking I chose the ocean over the new planet just because I don't like new things, don't. I would choose the ocean over everything because it's the second place, after your arms, that feels like home. It's my place...it calls my name in every wave. I love those waves enough to let them go and they love me enough to come back. I know it will be dark in the depths of ocean...so unimaginably dark that you won't even notice demons making their way to you. But why not swim down there and find out if it's really empty as it pretends to be? Who knows...what it calls empty might be full for me.

You had persuaded yourself so much that you were drowned in the dark that I had to understand the dark to fight the evil inside you. And guess what? It was all worth it because deep down in that darkness, I found the brightest of all lights, the kind of light that angels will always fail to produce.

Forever yours,

D.