My dearest K.

14.

6 May 2015

My dearest K.,

It has been three days since I last wrote to you and to say the truth I am scared to death...not because I had another crisis and had to stay in that damn hospital room for two days...not because nurses rushed around me saying "Doctor, her pulse stopped, come quickly"... not because everyone I knew was out in the hall wishing for the ground to open and take them in... but because as time is passing, I am becoming used to your absence. The loneliness inside me has grown so much, that while waiting for you to come back to me, waiting to finally hear my name from your lips and not just see it in a written paper, I have started to love waiting. If I had a chance to know that you would leave me to wait in such a time, I would have preferred to wait an hour before each of our dates, so that I could have you now by my side.

I only woke up the day before yesterday...doctors said I had been in coma for two days, but I felt like I was in a cinema hall. If comma feels like watching that movie I saw for two days, I will prefer being in coma for the rest of the days than living in a breathing hell. People say we all are good and bad...it all depends on who tells the story. Lucky for me, you control my subconscious even when I can't, so yeah you had the leading role in my movie. You had taken me by the highest floor of Eiffel Tower...and since you know how afraid I am of heights, you had hugged me so tightly that for the first time in two months, I felt secure. Maybe it can sound ridiculous to most men out there, but making your girl feel secure in your arms and letting her know only by a hug that you won't ever leave is the biggest achievement a man can ever have...and you surely have achieved a lot when it comes to being a real man.

You let go of me for a while and the moment I turned around to take a sip of your goddamn smell, I found you kneeled down with a ring box in your shaking hands. That moment if somebody told me the sky had fallen down and had taken the place of earth, I would have believed and run to watch how it looked like. But I couldn't believe seeing you like that even with my own eyes. But I should admit that even the imaginary you melted my heart with what he said (I guess all kind of K. can make me emotional): "People say 'Find good people and ignore the bad ones' but you don't do that. You find the good in people and ignore the bad in them. You were able to reveal a good man out of a bad guy. You give me hope that maybe...just maybe...I can become more than my past. You taught me that darkness can't drive out darkness: only light can do that...hate can't drive out hate: only love can do that. I love you for what you are and for what I am when I am with you. I want morning, noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smile, your childish actions, the way you play with your hair when you think, the way you manage to be so kind even to foreigners...your innocent yet so powerful eyes, the smell of your hair in my pillow, the touch of your breath on my skin and even those two crooked teeth you try to hide when you laugh. I want to see you in the final hour of my life... to lie in your arms when I take my last breath. Will you marry me?"

If any person in this world had come and asked for the remaining days of my life in exchange for this illusion to come true, I would have accepted without any hesitation. But unfortunately we don't live in Imagination land and nobody but you can come and make that true. Please come back soon, baby... I need you.

P.S: Didn't forget your question, but since you occupied my subconscious for two days, I couldn't think properly. Had to write this anyway.

Forever yours,

D.