My dearest K.

9.

27 March 2015

My dearest K.,

I know it has been a week since I last wrote to you and I am really sorry baby... I am sorry, but I couldn't write. Being hospitalized for a week really sucks you know... those light yellow walls are depressing just like the fake hopes that doctors keep giving to my parents that I will survive... Nurses wander around me with that fake smile asking to rate my pain from 1 to 10 every time they give me that magical medicine that is supposed to heal me. I have always rated as 2 or 3 just to look tough... because you have always said to me that if I feel bad, frightened, nervous or anxious, I should tell you first. I am keeping my promise, so I am hiding this disastrous pain from the world, but... it's becoming too much. Everything is just too much... it's too much to know that the next morning I may not be able to see the sunrise... it's too much to see how people around me try to dig for hope in a place where there is none left... and on top of all, it's too much to know that you are a fucking miles away from me trying to save the nation when I should be the one you should be saving. But if you want to know, you have been my invisible angel through this one week hell... thinking about your last question was the only thing that helped me keep my head above the water (or should I say medicines). I want to answer this before that bitch of a nurse comes to check on me: "What is our biggest mistake as humans?"

We always mess things up... we keep doing mistakes because of love or jealousy. We keep doing mistakes just to learn... to learn not to ever repeat some of those mistakes again. We keep doing mistakes to be teachable and know that we are not always right. We do mistakes to grow up... we do them because we are not made of fucking porcelain... we are not perfect...and if anyone chooses to spend this life chasing after perfection, just know that it will be a completely failed case, because time will fly and you will be left at the starting point, lying yourself you are actually running faster than the others.

But there is this thing people keep doing and doing and don't even notice ... they fear. You fear of calling someone and telling "You know I never forgot you". You fear of running out in the rain just to be able to feel the tiny drops on the skin and be grateful that you can feel them. You fear of talking out loud in spite of knowing that when silence speaks, it weighs a ton. You fear of trying new things over and over just to find that damn passion that hides under all the chaotic mess you create. You fear and fear and fear until you find out that it's over... this life is over... your chance of revealing your true you is gone and you are left with only regrets of obeying the rules this fucking coward society... but drop these acts, okay? Drop the "I don't care", when you still care like hell. Drop the "I don't need anyone" when you need more and more people around... drop all the acting, because if we were stronger, if we thought less and did more of what we wanted to do, I am sure we wouldn't be paying cinema tickets just to see people that say and do the things we fear doing, to see people that love like we can't, to see people that even while acting and faking can be more sincere and true than we can.

And remember: "The soul knows what to do to recover itself. The real challenge is to silence the mind."

Forever yours,

D.