My dearest K.

20.

22 November 2015

My dearest K.,

My eyes are cast up at the cloudy night sky, captivated by the blanket of scintillating stars. How can something so beautiful and peaceful be suspended above this horrendous merciless sea? Sometimes I wish scientists could find a way to decline this meaningless gravity and exchange the places of sky and sea. It would always fall salty drops of rain... earth would get so salty that every plant and animal would die... I would be swimming among cotton clouds... maybe somewhere in there I could really find you, but I still don't know where you have gone now. Where are you K.? Where should I look for you... deep down this earth or up in the limitless sky? Tell me where you are hiding so that I call the demons to take me in the mysterious depths of hell or the angels to take me in the peaceful clouds of heaven.

In case you wondered, yeah I have come by the sea today. The black aura that your house retained has become unbearable... people come and go trying to console me by saying "Yeah, K.'s loss was ruinous, but you are still young. You'll have to accept and move on". Please come and save me from these people... Who said I didn't accept this? Does my messy hair, bloodshot eyes, black eye pockets, shaking hands or loss of weight indicate that I don't understand you took a one-way ticket to a world that keeps you prisoned there forever? Do I look like I am willing to move on? Every morning I get up, I curse this disease for not advancing through my body... I curse my eyes that look at another sunrise without you... my heart for beating restlessly... my brain for replaying the image of your body under a pile of earth.

I came here hoping I could calm down a bit, but I was wrong. Our memories are everywhere... under the pine tree where we sheltered ourselves because of the heavy rain... underwater where you held my hand for the first time thinking I didn't know how to swim... on the water surface where you taught me how to lie on the surface of the water and appreciate the freedom feeling it gives... on the grass when you told me to stay still because you would write on a piece of paper what you think when you look at me... and you stared at me... and stared... and stared. 20 seconds. Half a minute. A whole minute. I wanted so bad to blink, but I wouldn't back down. After two entire minutes, your eyes left mine and you started writing something like crazy... with that writing speed, I thought you were only doodling.

And you never gave that paper to me...but... I... I found it on your drawers yesterday. You said you would read that to me when I was at my lowest mood... and I swear this is the deepest pain that has ever crossed my heart, so I came here... hoping I could imagine you while reading it. Let me intone it (I swear I can hear your voice in my head while reading this):

"Even if the sun shuts down

Even if the moon stops hiding during the day

Even if the sea gets sweet by her smile

Even if the darkness doesn't bleed by her light

Even if the wind stops wiggling with her hair

Even if the cloudy sky stops getting jealous of the clarity in her stormy eyes

Even if her demons deceive her loyalty

Even if the red in her shy cheeks fades away

Even if that visible vein in her neck stops pulsing like crazy when she looks at me

I'd be always there for her

Like all these odds of the universe that I certainly won't let happen

I will never stop loving her..."

And I will never ever stop loving you, baby. Just wait for me. I will come to you soon.

Forever yours,

D.