My dearest K.

19.

1 November 2015

My dearest K.,

Isn't it exhausting to fear your whole life of something just to find out that in the end the things we fear the most have already happened to us? I have feared abandonment since my memory has started working at the age of 3. Ironic how the girl who is most protected and loved by her family, trembles like a fish on the hook just by thinking that maybe one day she will knock on the door and nobody will be there to open that for her.

Since you came in my life, I had persuaded myself that the fight between loneliness and my soul should come to an end. The end of that battle provided my soul with an angelic calmness that faded away after I saw earth eating your whole well-structured body down. I can't help but blame earth for being so picky. I mean who does it think it is to separate us? Wouldn't it have been easier if it chose me instead of you? I was an easy target... an innocent sick girl who was and still is waiting to die any day... a kind shy girl whose death would pass silently like the evaporation of a drop of water from the ocean. If this damn earth would have been smarter, I would be lying in the scary cold depths of the underground world as expected.

I came by your new place today for the first time since that cursed funeral day. Don't you dare think that I have forgotten you... you know damn well that I am living these days only with your memories in my head. I was just... afraid I guess. I would come there and call you, but you wouldn't get up just by smelling my scent... those big green eyes, which seemed to write poetry when meeting mine, were long before forever closed... those full pink lips that took the sweetest curve when calling my name wouldn't move at all. I was afraid to come to you because you wouldn't be waiting for me like always.

And I was right. You were not there... I came for you but there was no sign of yours. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised. I was expecting any kind of mess... a removed tombstone, destroyed flower petals around, some removed soil so as to breathe freely... but no. Nothing had changed since that day... only the cypress tree your dad and I planted behind your tombstone (so that you weren't completely alone as I promised you) had grown just a little bit. Did you suddenly become a well-organized boy down there? If so, it doesn't suit you at all. Start messing up like you always do until I come down there too and tidy things up.

Your mother started crying like she always does when coming to you, but I forced myself to smile. I tried to give the brightest smile I could so that you don't get upset. I am sure I heard your mother say "Poor girl"... she must think I have gone crazy. Can't blame her anyway, because I have always failed to draw the line between insanity and reality, but these days I think I don't even need a line to separate them... If this life acts like a crazy bitch and takes you from me, why can't I mix reality and insanity?

People around here believe your soul has flown to heaven. I want to believe that too, but... do you know what heaven is? It's a big lie, a fantasy that we created about ideal people and places, as we'd like them to be. I am sure it doesn't even exist, but I don't believe your beautiful soul is wandering aimlessly on earth. I feel your presence around me... I still have that feeling as if someone is looking at me even when I am completely alone. I know... you are still wandering around me. Keep staying near me... I will join you soon baby.

Forever yours,

D.