How to Fall Apart

Chapter Thirty-Two

    Nate, Carly and Alissa all visited the hospital a few times in the days following Clark's surgery. Alissa brought a present every time, usually a book or a game. It was her way of showing she cared. Clark told her that she didn't need to do that but I could tell he loved each and every thing that she brought. She brought Mom good coffee from Starbucks and I fake pouted. The next day she brought me coffee too. Carly's whole family actually came to see Clark on Christmas Eve. They'd only met him twice but he had that effect on people.

    That night while Mom and Uncle Matt stayed at the hospital I drove myself home in my own car for the first time. Alissa didn't want me to be alone on Christmas Eve so she came over. Or maybe she didn't want to be with her own family, if they were even home. Things hadn't been weird between us when she'd come to visit at the hospital but then this would be our first chance to talk about everything. She lifted big brown bags onto the kitchen counter and started to unload cartons of chinese food.

    "It was the only place open and I wasn't sure what you liked, so I got... well, everything." She shrugged.

    "Thanks." We busied ourselves filling plates with orange chicken, mongolian beef, fried rice and egg rolls. We sat down on the couch, only a few feet separated us but it could have been a mile. I filled my mouth with food even though I wasn't all that hungry. The TV wasn't on but we stared at it anyway.

    "I feel like we're breaking up," she finally said with a nervous little laugh.

    "No!" I chuckled. "But.."

    "Oh man, there's a but. There's always a but. Are you about to use a line on me? 'It's not you, it's me.'" She rolled her eyes.

    "Oh, stop!" I tossed a throw pillow at her and it occurred to me that maybe that's why they're called throw pillows. I was about to say so but Alissa spoke first.

    "Seriously though. I'm sorry. I should have told you about my mom." She stared down at her food.

    "No, I mean, maybe you should have but I still never should have come at you like that about it. I was out of line." I told her.

    "Yes, you were." She nodded and stuffed half an egg roll in her mouth. "I'm going to start seeing a counselor after New Years," she admitted, I almost didn't understand her because her voice was muffled by the egg roll. I squealed, set my food down on the coffee table and wrapped my arms around her. "So does this mean we're not breaking up?"

    I laughed. "No, we are not breaking up. But there's still a but."

    "Okay..." She paused with her fork in the air, waiting.

    "We can only hang out sober. I can't party anymore," I told her.

    "So I have to be sober too because you can't party anymore?" She wrinkled her nose and I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.

    "Yes. When you're with me." I took a deep breath. "I have so much fun with you but it keeps turning into trouble when there's drugs or alcohol involved. That affects everything else in my life too and it's just not working for me." I'd planned out a whole speech, there had been more that I'd wanted to say but that seemed to sum it up, just another part of putting my life back together.

    "Can we negotiate on this?" She finally asked after taking a few bites, chewing slowly.

    "Alissa!" I wished I still had the pillow to throw at her.

    "I'm kidding!" She grinned. "Kind of."

    "You could quit partying too," I suggested and she looked at me as though I'd grown horns.