Alone With My Thoughts | Jikook

Chapter 20. Disgusting Bastard

JIMIN'S POV

Within minutes Jeongguk reverted back to his old position of staring at me, I could see the worry and disappointment in himself. But what did Namjoon hyung mean? That Jeongguk hasn't eaten a proper meal in 2 months? Has he really passed out? No, he doesn't even care. I continue to talk to my hyungs but Jeongguk is in the corner of my vision, I watch as he gets up and slowly walks over to the desk his head hung low as he carefully pulls the chair out of the way and sits down pulling out this notebook as he began to write quickly and harshly. What is he doing?

JEONGGUK'S POV

It isn't like I expected you to forgive me that easy, I don't deserve that but it still hurts just as much.. I decided to write Jimin another letter even though he is currently awake. I walk over to the desk and  carefully take out the notebook gently running my hand across the cover it read "If Park Jimin were to ever find this book, read it. It is Jeon Jeongguks only wish.." 

I smile to myself carefully opening the first page, it was a drawing I made of Jimin back in 2015, all my feelings towards that boy have been written into this book for the past 5 years. I never knew how to speak my feelings so Namjoon suggested I were to get a notebook to talk about my feeling towards everything. Though it is all Jimin. Every page I flip is a story of Jimin, I pave way into my heart. Every emotion I have felt for that boy imprinted onto the pages of this book.

I open an empty page and begin to write,

'Dear Park Jimin,

I don't know what to say other than, you hate me. I deserve it though.. I was too afraid to hurt Jennies feelings, I thought it would get our whole group in a huge scandal when in reality. I was worrying about the wrong thing..I don't know what to do.. You hate me, you won't even look at me but its not like I expected anything different. I expected this but a little part of me hoped that maybe you would be excited to see me..That you would pull me close and hold me as if you would never see me again, that I could whisper sweet nothings into your ear while I held your hand and promised not to leave you.. Please forgive me? Is it bad to say i'm breaking when you are the one in bad condition? I love you Jimin, do whatever you want to me. Hit me, yell, cry, scream, ignore me. I deserve it all..

-Your Jeonggukie <3'

I sigh and close the book resting my head on the desk as I turn to face Jimin, we made eye contact for a split second. But that was all I needed, I seen his soft features harden to a glare as he quickly spun his head away from me though, a glare is still eye contact and that's enough for me.

Hours pass and eventually the only people in the room is Jimin and I. We are at opposite sides of the room, i'm on the couch sprawled out as I post on twitter while Jimin sat on the bed staring at the wall in front of him with his brows furrowed while a slight pout rested on his plump lips. I puckered my lips and posed for the camera shooting a finger heart posting it with the caption 'I will get better, don't worry about me ARMY <3'

I heard a little but angelic giggle as I quickly turned by head to find Jimin looking at me with an unreadable expression so I gave him a bunny smile. He didn't smile back he just frowned and looked away, I deserved that.

More hours passed until Jimin decided to break the silence. "Where are the others?" He questioned, Jungkook looked at him with wide eyes. "W-wait? Y-you are s-speaking to m-me?" He questioned excitedly, Jimin just nodded. "T-They went b-back to the d-dorm" He explained to which Jimin just nodded and went back to staring at the wall. After a few minutes he spoke again. "So, why are you still here?" He asked blankly, Jungkook straightened his position so he was completely facing Jimin. "I-I won't l-leave" He explained smiling at the blank boy. "But, what if I want you to?" Jimin sighed staring at Jungkook his eyes showing betrayal, hurt and love somewhere in there. Jungkooks heart dropped as his smile failed to remain. "O-oh..W-well then I-I'll go.." Jungkook sighed grabbing his bag and slowly getting up walking towards the door, Jimin didn't say anything he just stared at the boy who opened the door but froze turning and smiling. "Please forgive me someday Jimin, I will always be here" with that he left the room but instead of leaving he sat on the floor outside the door "Still won't leave" he stated.

JIMINS POV;

Its been hours and he is still here, why? What is he planning? To break me again? "Where are the others?" I ask, I noticed the shocked expression on Jungkooks face quickly turn to excitement, why? "W-wait? Y-you are s-speaking to m-me?" Jungkook asked, I mean who else? "T-They went b-back to the d-dorm" Oh great, so i'm actually stuck with the person I am still hopelessly in love just perfect. JUST PERFECT. Wait-

Why didn't he go home?

"So, why are you still here?" I simply state sounding a little more rude than I hoped for. But his answer confused me "I-I won't l-leave" Why not? What is making you stay here? You don't really love me! You only said that because you thought I was dead! If you loved me you would have told me when I was responsive! "But, what if I want you to?" I say, gosh i'm pissed now, but seeing his expression hurt he went from an excited bunny to anything but happy. I watched him collect his things and stop at the door. "Please forgive me someday Jimin, I will always be here" What? As if? But they sounded so genuine, as if that bastard can be genuine he acted as if I meant more than a friend to him if we can even call it that. He manipulated me, he never loved me. He's just a disgusting bastard, but I love him.. I love that disgusting bastard but he won't love me back.