Edward Kaspbrak
Eddie Kaspbrak
Eds
Eddie Spaghetti
And many more...
A man of many names.
He liked his woman how he liked his coffee,
Non-existent.
He was a tea bitch. Where's. The muthafuggin. Tea.
He had it, in his hands at all times.
But here's the real tea, sis! Though he was called by many names, he was never called 'Richie Tozier'.
Until now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty-Eight years old, with a one year old in his arms. He had sorta gotten the hang of parenting, but today was especially worse, she wouldn't stop crying! Her wails flooded throughout the entire house, and he just couldn't stop it! It was his turn to handle this but he couldn't handle it anymore, he had to wake Richie up.
"RICHARD GET THE FUCK UP!" Eddie screeched, yanking the cover off of the entire bed. Richie shot up in a horrified shock, staring at Eddie.
"Take her," Eddie was shaking, "Please! Just take her out of my hands and try to stop this. I can't do this, I'm crumbling into pieces..." Eddie whispered, holding out the child in his hands. Richie just sat there for second, slowly taking Rebecca away from the currently psychotic Edward.
She stopped crying.
"What the fuck?"
She stopped crying!
"I guess she prefers a irresponsible pale ass trashmouth~" Richie chuckled, once he glanced at Eddie the smile disappeared.
"You alright?"
"Yeah! Never been better! I need a fucking nap." And he was out, already asleep and in dream land!
But when he woke up, it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.
[TIMESKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY REBECCA IS A HORNY WEIRDO 13 YEAR OLD FITE ME]
Eddie has been awakened, and he felt absolutely great! Absolutely amazing! He felt as if multiple weights were lifted off of his shoulders, and something else was gone too. His perfect odor, he smelt sort of gross, but he was honeslty too lazy to do anything about it so he'd just change clothes.
Wait- hold on. Let me read that again.
THE Eddie Kaspbrak, was too lazy to take a shower. So he just changed his clothes.
Okay I wrote this shit, and this even seems WAY off to me.
Eddie marched into the living room, to be greeted by everyone's favorite Losers!
"Bonjour, Les Perdants!" Eddie exclaimed sitting his butt down on the couch.
"What?" Stanley questioned, all around confused.
"Sup, Losers." Eddie added, taking the remote out of Richie's hands, "Beauty And The Beast? Boo! Fuck this movie, they killed the hottest guy in there."
"Gaston was a bitch though." Beverly scowled, she obviously did not like him.
"But he was hot! You know, that's all that matters in a Disney Movie. If you're good and you're attractive, no need to be proactive, good things will just happen to you." Eddie protested, closing his eyes, placing a hand over his heart and holding one up in the air.
"Where'd you learn that, and why are you wearing my clothes?" Richard cut in, looking Edward up and down.
"I learned it from Starkid, and these are my clothes! They fit me like a glove."
"I have never in my life seen you wear anything like that. EVER."
"Y-You two lo-look like twins." Bill let out a laugh, I swore Eddie almost accidentally snapped his neck turning to look at Bill, faster than the flash. Gotta go fast.
"Don't mean to kink shame you, Billy Boy! But I prefer not to perform incest, I know my fat mom is irresistible, but it's illegal and she's not my type. She might be a milf, you might have a chance Trashmouth." Eddie was laughing but nobody else was, they just sat there and stared at him. They were scared, they were really scared, what the hell was going on.
Send. Help.
"Mr. Edward Kaspbrak, what the fuck is going on with your brain?" Richie questioned, grabbing him by the shoulders.
"What do you mean?"
"We don't need two Richie's, that's the last thing we need." Ben stated, an amazingly serious look on his face. Benjamin Hanscom was usually a very nice, soft guy, but he was not about to deal with two fucking Richies. That was a hell no.
"Chill, Haystack. I'm Eddie, that's Richie. We are extremely different." Eddie argued, pointing back and forth between himself and Richie.
"You haven't put hand sanitizer on since you fell asleep. You've been asleep for hours, Eddie." Richie said very concerned, "Please! Don't be me! Go back to yourself please! I hate myself enough already I don't wanna hate you! I BEG OF YOU EDS COME BAAACK."
"You need to calm down. So what I haven't put on sanitizer?"
"Oh my god." Mike was incredibly worried at this point, "Somebody help him, this isn't right."
"EDDIE!" Beverley shouted, "Think of the germs, think of all the diseases you could get from a single touch of the couch. Seven 28 year olds, who have all probably been barfed on by babies are sitting on this couch, do you want those germs, Eddie? You could die, Eddie...you could die." Beverley. AGGRESSIVE whispered to Eddie, and it got to them.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM GOING TO CHUG AN ENTIRE FUCKING BOTTLE OF HAND SANITIZER, FUCKING FUCK THIS AND FUCK EVERYBODY."
"He's baaack :3"
