Without You I'm A Lost Boy

Belfast Breakdown

"Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger, to be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another." The song 'Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape' by Underoath blares in my headphones as we pull up in the tour bus to the Odyssey Arena in Belfast. Its March 7th which means its been about three months since the tour started and I am trying so hard to be happy for Alison, but I just miss her so much. I've been moody lately to the guys and I can tell I'm being a burden to them all, I've thought about dropping out of the tour and the band so I'm not a bother to anyone, but I can't bring myself to disappoint anyone else, that's all I seem to do anymore.

I can hear the guys start to shuffle and unload from the bus as I lay in my bunk, suddenly Calum pulls open the curtain and he looks so annoyed, of course he is mad at me, I'm worthless.

"Mike, dude, get up and help us out! This is your band too and it's getting old you laying here all day and no helping us at all!" Calum nearly shouts at me

"FUCK! I'm sorry Cal, I've just been down, I don't know if you fucking forgot but I watched the girl I love put a goddamn bullet in her brain. I figured if anybody would be supportive it would've been my best damn mate! I'll just fucking leave then if I'm so goddamn worthless to you all." I snap and storm off the bus and away from the arena as I start crying.

I make it about twenty steps before I collapse on the ground in a puddle, I feel Calum's arms wrap around me and he pulls me into his chest. "Mikey, I didn't mean for it to sound so harsh, your not worthless mate, you are my best friend and I love you. I thought you were dealing with Alison better these days, I should have seen that you are still a mess. I'm your best friend and I didn't see the pain, I'm horrible, Mikey I'm so sorry. Are you okay, can I help anyway?" Calum says gently.

Through my sobs I manage to get out a broken "I want to die to be with her again Cal, I want to let go."

I can feel the breath catch in his chest as I say I want to die, I've been best friends with Calum for almost ten years now and I have never said something so dark, but it's true. Calum's arms squeeze tighter around me and I can feel his head turn as he looks for Ashton and Luke, he doesn't see them so he pulls out his phone and calls one of them.

"Hey! It's Cal, Mikey is code red and I need both of you guys ASAP, we're out back in the parking lot, you'll see us when you get out here, RUN!!" Calum says with urgency in his voice.

Within thirty seconds Luke and Ashton are on the ground with us with their arms around my sobbing frame, I know they care but I also know that I annoy them all so much. I love these three guys so much, they are my brothers that's why it hurts so much to want to die.

"Mike whats going on with you? Why have you been like this lately? You know you're not alone, we're all here to talk to, just don't bottle it up and shut us out. We want to help." Ashton says to me in a low voice so nobody watching hears whats going on, this is between us four.

Luke adds "We can cancel tonight's performance if you need to Mike, your health is way more important than any show."

"No, I want to preform, it helps. I just really fucking miss Alison, I miss her smile, her scent, I even miss her yelling at me over the small things like the toilet seat being left up. I just want to see her again, I just wish I didn't feel this way. I'm a burden to you all and I make everyone around me mad, I'm just so worthless." I tell them.

"MICHAEL GORDON CLIFFORD!! Don't you EVER fucking say you are worthless! You watched your girlfriend kill herself and you stayed so damn strong for so long, every now and again you're going to have weak days and it's all going to crash down on you and it's going to take your breath away and you'll stay in bed all day broken, but you are a soldier and you fight on because without you we would have never made a band, or moved to America and met Ali, we wouldn't be hear now on tour with the most famous boy band in the world. I fucking love you so much mate and it just fucking CRUSHES me that you feel this way and I can't help. Yeah we get irritated with you some times but that's human nature, and you are not a burden to ANYONE, you are a goddamn blessing." Calum says with tears rolling down his face.

I nod to Calum and stand up, I make my way back to the bus and grab a change of clothes to get ready for the day. I let the others know that I'll be okay to sound check and preform but I want to stay on the bus in between all that, they all agree to let me. Sound check goes by fast and I go back to the bus, an hour before we go to the stage I go to Lou and ask her to help me fix my mess of hair and she agrees. I know my eyes are still red all night and the girls in the front row look upset so I whisper to Luke that I want a minute of mic time to explain and he nods to me and tells Calum and Ashton so we're all in-sync.

"Hi guys, I noticed the people who can see me really well look concerned at my red eyes and I just want to explain whats going on. About six or so months ago I was dating the most amazing girl Alison and I went to her apartment to ask her to marry me and I walked in on her committing suicide and I watched her die in my arms. I loved her so much and now she's gone and I try to stay strong but today is a weak day, so I'm sorry for looking so awful and my red puffy eyes. I hope you all are having a good time, seeing all of your smiling faces makes me feel so much better, so thank you guys." I started crying again as I spoke of Alison, a few girls up front start to cry.

After we finish our set list and we get off stage I shower and go find Nancy, I know we're doing four shows here so I wonder if we're just staying on the buses or if we get hotel rooms. It takes me ten minutes to find her and another five to ask her, she tell me we're getting a hotel and I tell her we only need one room because the guys will want to be really close to me and she says that's fine. I go out to the bus to get some stuff and get in the black SUV to wait for the others. We get in our room and before long the 1D guys come to our room and check on us, they didn't know about Alison so they we're shocked to hear me open up on stage about it. They stay for a little while and when they leave we all lay down and all three Luke, Calum, and Ashton insist on sleeping in the bed with me so we all squish in and go to sleep.