Without You I'm A Lost Boy

I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything

I wake with a sudden start, rolling off the couch and hitting the floor hard. I lift myself up as Ashton enters the room and sees me, I look up at him and he loses it laughing. I sarcastically laugh back and stand up. Today is the day I go see the therapist and I'm a little nervous but I know it will help to talk about Alison, I make my way to the kitchen and get the cereal, milk, and two bowls and spoons out. I pour both me and Ashton a bowl of Captain Crunch and I start to place both bowls on the table when I realize that Luke and Calum are going to come over before my appointment and grab the box and two more bowls and spoons and set them out on the table.

Ashton gives me a funny look as I grab the milk, "Mate we already have some." He chuckles.

"I know but Cal and Luke will be here in just a few minutes, just watch." I say laughing, and sure enough as soon as I sit down the door opens and they come in and take their places at the table an pour their bowls.

I give Ashton a 'I told you so' eyebrow wiggle and we laugh at a confuse Calum and Luke. After we eat I have to leave for my session but I tell the guys they can stay here and hang out.

I arrive at the small brick building half an hour early, I sit in my car for a few minutes taking deep breaths. I walk in and stand at the counter waiting for someone to come help me, I bend down a little and look for someone and I see a short brunette girl coming my direction with her eyes on her feet and I stand up straight. She gets to the little window in the glass and finally looks up, as her eyes meet mine my breath catches in my chest, she looks exactly like Alison but she didn't have a twin.

The girl standing waves her hand in front of my face to get my attention and I snap back to reality, I didn't realize I was crying until she asked if I was okay.

Slightly embarrassed I look down at my feet, "Yeah, it's just you look like my girlfriend that I lost a few months ago, and I really miss her."

She gives me a sad smile and hands me some tissues, I take them and wipe my eyes. "Oh, um I'm here to see Doctor Thompson. Do I need to fill anything out?" I glance down at her name tag and add her name "Emma".

She grabs a clip board with three papers and a pen and hands it too me with a smile. "Just fill these out and I'll let him know you're here when you finish uh..." She trails off.

"Michael, uh Michael Clifford." I tell her with a small smile.

I fill out the papers and return them to Emma and return to my seat, Emma dissapears then returns and the doctor comes out and calls me back to the room. He leads me to the door and turns the knob opening the door, he holds his hand out signaling me to enter the room. I go in and have a seat, the doctor comes in after me and closes the door.

"Hello Michael, I'm Doctor Gregory Thompson but you can just call me Greg. I understand you've been going through a hard time, where do you want to start?" He asks.

"Hi, uh call me Mikey or Mike please. Uh, well this past August I went to my girlfriends house to propose and I watched her commit suicide, I walked in and seen her notes an panicked and as I made my way to her she turned to me pulled the trigger. She was depressed for a long time and I tried to help her, I tried to save her life but she's gone." I began to cry at the memory of that night.

"I...I tried so hard and she hurt herself and I had no clue, I feel like I'm not good enough if I couldn't save her. I went back home to Aussie after her funeral and stayed with my mom for a while, then my band and I were approached by one of the members of One Direction and he asked us to open for them on tour. I should have said no, that it was too soon but I thought maybe if we were out on tour making music that I could put it out of my head. I began to get worse everyday, I started getting panic attacks and I lost my will to get out of bed. When we started this break in tour I started hurting myself and it helped, I should have said something to my band mates, they're my best friends, but I kept it in and I went too deep one night and I ended up in the hospital, and now I'm here."

"Mikey, I know what you're going through, and not in a therapist 'I read how this is' kinda way, I really know what its like. I lost my daughter about seven years ago to suicide, she was my only child and I loved her so much, her mother and I had separated when she was about ten and she took it really well. When she was sixteen she came out to us as gay and I supported her and her mother didn't, she lived with her mom and I begged her to come live with me so she didn't have to deal with her mom's hate but she said she was fine.

A month after her seventeenth birthday she called me and told me how much she loves me and how I'm the best dad for supporting her through everything and I told her that I love her too and I would always be supportive of her, the next morning her mother called me and told me she had killed herself. I was crushed because I should have known when she called, that's what inspired me to become a therapist, to help kids like her. Mikey I know it hurts now but you will be okay someday, I promise." He had began to cry himself.

"I'm sorry for your loss Greg." Is all I could manage to say to him.

He gave me a sad smile, "Thank you Mikey."

We talked about Alison for a while longer and how I was feeling, Greg told me some tips to help with the urges to self harm and panic attacks and told me he would prefer if I could get better without medicine but if it came to it he would prescribe them to me. I thanked him for his help and set up an appointment for next week, I really think with his and the guys' help I will get better.

After my session I leave feeling so much better, I say goodbye to Emma and make my way home. When I walk in the guys have my apartment decorated like a birthday party but the signs say unbirthday like in 'Alice in Wonderland', I laugh as I see them all sitting around the table dressed as The Mad Hatter, The March Hare, and The Dormouse. When they see me they stand up and sing 'A Very Merry Unbirthday To You' and dance around, I laugh harder than I have since before Alison died. When their song is over they rush to me and hug me, Calum tells me they thought I needed a good laugh, and I did.

We eat the cake that Ashton made and he and Luke wash the dishes and Calum pulls me aside, "Hey Mikey, its good to see you happy man. Go get dressed kinda warm we have a suprise for you." He tells me and I run to my room to change.

By time I'm done Luke and Ashton are done and they are all changed, I leave my room and they tell me we're going in Calum's car. We get in and I'm blindfolded by Ashton and we take off for our mystery location, after about twenty minutes we stop and they help me out of the car and we start walking. I can feel sand under my feet so I assume we're at the beach, after walking for a few minutes I can feel the warmth of a bon fire.

"Can I take this stupid thing off now guys?" I ask excited to see what they have started giggling about.

"Just a sec Mike!" Luke tells me laughing.

After standing blindfolded for what seem like twenty more minutes they say I can take it off, I expected just a beach bon fire and jam session with the three of them but when I take off my blindfold I am shocked to see all five One Direction guys and my three best friends sitting around a fire on the beach with our instruments. I begin to tear up that the guys did all this for me and before I know it all eight of them are hugging me and I have never felt so loved.

We all sit around the fire and catch up and goof off then I grab my guitar and begin to strum around as we talk. I absent mindedly begin to play 'Today' by Smashing Pumpkins and Luke joins in and then Ashton, then we're all singing and playing and having a good time. We play a few of our own songs and some of One Directions songs and a few songs that we all know, by the end of the night we're all laughing and having a blast. We all go back to my place and we all sleep in the floor of my living room and the next day Harry makes breakfast.