Without You I'm A Lost Boy

Losing Grip

The smell of bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy cooking wakes me and the others. We all sit in the living room and eat enjoying each others company. After we've all finished eating I start to do the dishes and Louis steps in to rinse, then Niall starts drying and Liam and Zayne put them away. While we do the dishes Calum, Ashton, and Luke fold all the blankets and deflate the air mattresses, and vacuum the living room and I am so grateful for friends like these.

"Thanks for everything mates, last night was so nice and Harry thank you for cooking, it was amazing.Oh and thanks for helping clean up guys, I don't know what I'd do without all of you." I say to my eight friends around me.

In return I receive eight tight warm hugs and I feel so much happier than I have in the months since Alison died. After everything is cleaned and in order Harry, Louis, Liam, Niall, and Zayne say their goodbyes to us and they take off, I learned that they had a few days off and decided to come see the guys and I and to check in on me. I am in awe that they would travel internationally to see if I was okay and I have to blink back tears, I feel so much love from them.

I make up an excuse of needing to change to take a minute to myself and I go to my room and grab my phone, I slide down the wall as I open the dial pad. I dial Alison's number and listen to it ring until the voice mail picks up.

"Hey! You've reached Ali and I can't answer right now but leave a message and I'll get back to ya! Bye!" Her voice cuts off and the message tone beeps.

My voice leaps out of my throat, "Ali, baby please pick up the phone, please be okay I can't be alone. I need you baby. Please just pick up and don't be dead. Please." I begin to sob and yell into the phone.

I didn't call her phone all this time because I knew it would hurt but I thought I was strong enough. The moment I heard her voice I became a sobbing mess again, I hang up and throw my phone across the room causing it to shatter and the alerts the others. Calum bursts through my door and sees me in this state and runs to me.

"Mike! Mike what's wrong? Mike you have to talk to me." Calum is holding me tight in his arms as I thrash around screaming, Luke and Ashton come in and help in hold me still.

I still try to get free from their arms, I want to see her. I throw my arms around and try to push them off of me. "I WANT TO SEE HER, I NEED TO SEE HER!!! LET ME GO, PLEASE I NEED TO SEE HER!!! PLEASE JUST LET GO!" I scream at them, tears running down my face.

I soften my voice, "Please Cal, please I need to see her. Please guys let me go." I stop thrashing and wrap my arms around Calum. Luke and Ashton loosen their grips on me and wrap me in a hug as my chest heaves with sobs.

"Mike you have to calm down, just breathe deep and slow. You're okay, we've got you mate." Calum says to me and I sit up and breathe deep trying to calm own.

I notice Luke's eyes are bloodshot and tears are streaming down his face, I get a small pit in my chest but I know that he is really sensitive. I look to Ashton, his eyes are bloodshot as well and he is crying too and the pit in my chest grows bigger. Then my eyes fall to Calum's and I see that he too is sobbing and his eyes are red and the pit feels like it's consuming me and then I notice the red mark on Calum's cheek that is beginning to turn a dark shade of purple.

My breath catches as I realize that I hit him, I hit Calum in my fit of rage. I lift my hand and touch the bruise and Calum draws in a sharp breath of pain and my heart shatters. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder and begin to cry harder and say "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Cal." over and over again.

Calum holds me tight and rubs the back of my head and rocks us, telling me me it's okay and he's okay every time I say sorry. We stay like this for a long time, Calum and I rocking and Ashton rubbing my back. After a while Luke's mom texts him and he goes home, then Ashton goes home to sleep in his own bed since he has stayed with me since the hospital, he is like the older brother I never had but always wanted.

I love all three guys, but I come to realize I love Calum a little more because we've been friends since the third grade, He knows me better than I know myself. Once I calmed down enough I get out of the floor and sit on my bed, I lay down and close my eyes.

I feel the bed sink beside me where Calum lays, he grabs my hand and gets really close to my ear, "Mike, no matter what I'm here, so are Ash and Luke. We love you and we will get you better." He lets go of my hand and gets up and leaves my room.

I lay there a moment longer before following him, I find him in the kitchen ordering a pizza. He pulls up Netflix on my x-box and we spend the night eating pizza and watching movies in my bed. He falls asleep and I cover him up before getting up and going to the couch, usually its not a big deal and we share a bed but I want to be alone.

I toss and turn trying to sleep all night and when the sun rises I give up and get up and start breakfast. As soon as the smell reaches Calum he emerges from my room wrapped in a blanket like a ca coon, eyes barely open he shuffles to the table and sits down. I make him a plate and sit it in front of him and he mumbles what I assume is a thanks, I chuckle as I make my own plate. I sit across from him and eat in silence and think of a way to ask him to take me to see Alison.

Tears well up in my eyes and blink them away, I need to see her and tell her everything. I keep my head down so Calum can't see my eyes fill with tears and them spill over and drop on the table in front of me. I nibble at my food and then take my plate to the kitchen, I go to my room to change and there I let my tears run down but stay silent. I slide on some black skinny jeans and a old band shirt, I don't pay attention to which one, I slip on my shoes and take a deep breath before walking out.

I walk to where Calum is sitting and take in a shaky breath, "Cal, I want to see Ali. Will you drive me or do I need to take myself?" I say fast to get over with.

"Mike, of course I'll take you." Calum says with a sad smile. He gets ready and we get in the car.

Its not a long drive but it seems to take forever, when we pull up to the gates of the cemetery I feel sick. We make our way to where she is, and it begins to hurt to breathe. The car stops and I'm frozen in my seat. Calum opens my door and I step out and walk to her grave stone, I kneel down and touch the cold rock that marks where the love of my life lays.

"Alison Lynn Cole, beloved daughter, niece, and friend, taken home too soon, 1993-2014" I read the words on the stone to myself, I never knew what her aunt and uncle decided to put on it.

"Uh...Mike. Come look at this." Calum tells me from behind the grave stone.

I get up, my knees shaking, and walk to his side. My knees buckle as I see what is on the back, Its a picture of the four of us. Alison took it a few months after we moved here, and below it was "Without you I'm a Lost Boy" the lyrics from our song 'Lost Boy' that I wrote for her. I am in shock that her aunt and uncle put the picture on there instead of one of her or them.

I walk back around the stone and sit beside it, I sit there in silence for a while enjoying being this close to her again. After a while I get brave enough to talk to her.

"Hi baby. I'm sorry I haven't came to see you, I went back to Aussie after the funeral and then Louis Tomlinson asked us to open for them, can you believe that Ali? So we've been touring and right now there is a break in the tour and we've only been home about five days and it's been so hard without you baby. I had a spell and ended up in the hospital and I promise I wasn't trying to kill myself, then yesterday I called your cell and I heard your voice and I lost it, I ended up hitting Cal and I feel like shit about that." I turn and give him a small smile.

"I seen the picture of us on the back of the stone here, I love that picture babygirl." I start to cry and it starts to get harder to speak.

I tell Alison every small detail of the past seven months and we go back to my apartment. I tell Calum he can go home, that I'm okay, but he insists on staying.