Without You I'm A Lost Boy

One year since you've been gone

*5 months later*

Its been one year since Alison died, and I am a mess, we're back in Australia for the last leg of the tour that we're opening for. Since April when I first seen my therapist and now I have made a lot of progress but today is the hardest day I have faced since her funeral. I wake up sweating, I had a dream about Alison, the sixth one this week.

I grab my phone and check the time, 3:15 am, I give up on sleep and sit up in bed. I switch on the light beside my bed and unlock my phone, my fingers seem to act on their own as I dial her number even though I know she won't pick up. My thumb hovers over the call button, I squeeze my eyes shut and lock my phone, I have to make good decisions to keep from losing it all today.

I draw in a deep breath and open my eyes, I unlock my phone again and this time I dial Calum's number. I wait for him to answer while holding my breath, five rings later I hear his groggy voice answer, "Mikey, another one mate?"

I let out a shaky breath, "Yeah, I'll call Ash, you call Luke? We'll meet at the old spot?" I say almost begging.

"Sure. I'll get some macca's too." Calum says to my relief before hanging up.

We used to have an old club house in the woods near Ashton's house and the guys promised to be there whatever time I needed them today. It's hard for us all, and today is going to be horrible.

I call Ashton and he isn't so sweet when woken. "WHAT?!?" is the hello I get.

"It's Mike mate, I'm so sorry to wake you up but we're meeting up, Cal is getting macca's. I know it's early but I had another one. It's cool if you don't wanna join, I know it's our last day at home before we have to travel and you might wanna stay at home. It's just uh...uh...it's a year today."

"MIKE! You are rambling man! I'll be there dude, this is our day. I'll be there soon." Ashton says with a chuckle and hangs up.

I get out of bed and start to put on a shirt, Calum texts me and says Luke is up and they are on the way to get food. I leave my room and find my mum sitting in the living room with only one light on, she has a mug in her hands and she looks like she hasn't slept. As I get closer I see tears sliding down her cheeks, my heart feels like it stopped beating, I sit beside her and place a hand on her shoulder.

"Oh baby, you startled me." She says turning to me and placing her mug down.

I notice she didn't put it on a coaster, using coasters is one of her biggest rules, so I know something is wrong.

"Mum, are you okay? You look like you haven't slept and you're crying. Whats wrong?" I ask hoping she will tell me.

"I was worried about you so I sat in here listening, like I used to when you were a baby." She says with a sad smile.

I wipe the tears from under her eyes, "Mum, I'm about to meet up with the guys, we're doing a memorial for Ali, you should get to bed. I'll be okay mum, I love you so much, thank you for taking care of me." I help her get to bed and put her mug in the sink and clean the table where the mug sat.

Before leaving I write a note so she doesn't panic when she wakes up, because she was way too out of it to remember that I told her I went out. I leave my house and within five minutes I'm at the clubhouse, Ashton is the only one here so far and he has fallen asleep in his car. I lightly tap on his window to wake him before digging in my pocket for the key to the lock on the door.

After fifteen minutes Calum and Luke arrive and we're sat at a makeshift table eating before the hard day ahead of us, we don't talk much because other than Alison there is nothing to talk about so the small building is filled with the sounds of chewing, wrappers being crumpled, and the occasional sniffle.