Without You I'm A Lost Boy

Teenage Dirtbag

I slide the cold blade across my skin as red liquid rushes to meet the cold metal, hot tears slide down my cheeks as I continue to split my pale skin open with the sharp razor in my hand. I slump against the bathroom wall and drop the blade, everything starts to go black as Calum runs into the room and grabs me, he's shaking all over. I hear him call 911 just as I black out.

I wake up to an irritating beeping and an offensively white room, I blink a few times as my eyes ajust to the light. I hear crying coming from my left, I turn my head and see Calum sitting beside me with tears pouring out of his brown eyes, I feel my breath catch in my chest and my heart breaks as I watch my best friend sit where I sat not even a year ago.

"Cal...I'm sorry" I say in a whisper, I don't quite have a voice

"Oh my god Mikey, you're okay mate, everything is okay. I got there in time, but why Mike? Why did you do this?" Calum asks in a shaken voice

"I...I didn't mean to go so deep. I just wanted to feel the pain, I just hurt so much inside Cal." I manage to say before Calum has his arms wrapped around me so tight I can barely breathe.

I hug him back and I can feel his breathing pick up as he starts to sob. "Please don't leave me Mike, please I need you. I love you Michael." Calum says into my shoulder.

I rub the back of his head to comfort him. "I'm not going anywhere Calum, I love you too mate. I'm sorry I've put you through so much shit all our lives" I reassure him

"I would deal with your bullshit every day until I die Mikey, you're my very best friend." Calum says looking me deep in the eyes.

Calum sits back down and Luke and Ashton come in my room, Ashton looks mad at me and Luke looks relieved. Ashton sits behind Calum and Luke and doesn't talk to me at all, before they leave I ask to talk to Ashton alone so Calum and Luke go to the cafeteria.

"Ash, what is up with you? Why won't you talk to me?" I ask obvious hurt in my voice.

"I almost lost you Mike and I don't know what to think, I can't stand the thought of losing any of you guys." He says in a low voice, he's looking down at his feet but I can see him crying.

"Ash, I'm sorry I didn't think of you guys and I should have. I'm so fucking stupid, I'm just in so much pain man and I miss Ali so damn much. Why did she leave me Ash? Wasn't I good enough?" I say choking on my sobs.

Ashton rushes to my side and wraps his arms around me, I feel like a child, I'm crying and shaking and my best mate is holding me in a hospital room because I almost ended my life. I continue to cry into Ashton's shoulder for a few moments before I collect myself and pull away, I don't want to be alone in here but I don't want to ask they guys to stay because they'll feel like they have too.

"Hey Mike...do uh...do you want me to stay the night so you're not all alone? I know it gets lonely being here by yourself." Ashton asks in a low, not very sure tone.

"Yeah, Ash. That would be great, thanks." I answer

Luke and Calum come back and Ashton tells them he's gonna stay with me for the night and they say their goodbyes and it's just me and Ashton. After only five minutes of the guys being gone a doctor comes in, I notice who he is quickly, he was Alison's doctor.

"Doctor Robinson, we have got to stop meeting in horrible ways." I say trying to keep the mood light, but by the look on his face my doctor isn't amused.

"Michael..." He starts but I cut him off

"Mikey" I say with a small smile

Doctor Robinson glares at me "Mikey...do you know why you're here?"

I lift my wrist up looking at him and in a very serious tone say "Because the love of my life killed herself and I tried to cope with that but cutting but I got a little carried away."

His face softens a little and he breaks eye contact with me, his eyes catch Ashton's who is standing at my side with hand on my shoulder like a protective parent, Ashton looks down at me and smiles.

I clear my throat to regain the doctor's attention, his head snaps back to my face, he clears his throat and fumbles with the folder in his hands. I glance up at Ashton and roll my eyes with a smile and he gives me a "behave" look so I turn back around and get serious again.

"So what are the chances of going home tomorrow doc?" I ask hoping I don't have to get to some clinic for "trying to kill myself ".

"Um, Mikey, that depends on how bad your uh...injury is, let me take a look at it and I'll tell you." He says as he walks to my side and grabs my wrist and begins to unwrap it.

There isn't much blood on the bandages so I think my chances are good. The doctor unbandage's my arm and there aren't any sutures so I assume they only needed liquid stitches, he twists my arm from side to side, not saying a word he gets more gauze and re-wraps my arm.

"Well it's looking good, only liquid stitches were needed but it seems you almost completely severed a large vein and that's why it bled so much. I would really like for you to at least see a therapist once, I talked with your friend Calum and he said you guys are currently on tour so I'm not going to recommend a psych clinic so that you may continue with the tour. I will let you go home tomorrow if you promise to visit a therapist once before you leave, just once and it doesn't have to be a full session." The doctor says to me and I think over the whole thing and decide maybe it'll be good for me to talk about Alison

"Yeah, I'll go." I say and he nods his head.

"Now I do have some rules, since your arm is basically glued together be easy with movements for a few weeks, if it splits open come in immediately and I'll fix it, Calum said you play the guitar so be careful with that, no stage diving." He says the last part with a chuckle.

He leaves and I turn to Ashton and place my hand on his "Thanks for being here Ash, and I'm sorry I put you all through this bullshit, I fucked up big." I drop my hand to my lap with the last part.

"Michael Gordon Clifford stop being so hard on yourself about this, you are allowed to feel pain. You lost the only person you have ever loved and it's gonna fucking hurt like a bitch for a long time Mike, but I'll always be here for you." Ashton says walking to end of my bed.

I watch as he gets a pillow and blanket and puts them on the couch before he come back to my side, "You need anything from the cafeteria Mikey?" He says in a low voice.

"I was going to order food, you wanna just share that? I know they give you a shit ton of food." I say hopeful that he won't leave.

"Oh sure, I didn't really want any of their food, me and Luke were down there before and it all looks old and gross." He says with a chuckle

I order the food which is way more than enough for us both, we eat and talk for a while. When it gets late Ashton goes to his makeshift bed and lays down, almost as soon as his head hit the pillow he's asleep. I lightly laugh to myself before I reach and turn off the light beside my head.