Two Secret Diaries || Hyunin

18.

Hyunjin

"This has to stop. I can't live like that anymore. But what choice do I have? Living my whole life lying to my best friend, pretending I don't like him more than I do or being in an awkward situation because he would be disgusted by me if I confessed my love for him.

But the situation has become intolerable to me. We're so close to each other every day I'm afraid I'll do something I'll regret or hurt his feelings or make him feel weird about me.

I don't want that. And I don't want to be hurt either but I have to take responsability for my feelings. I have to be truthfull to my friend.

And I hate this situation of doubt about what's happening between me and Innie, I hate the uncertainty. I can't keep thinking every single day about the what ifs: what if he likes me, what if he doesn't. It's driving me insane already.

I'm gonna have to confess. 

I must admit it makes me nervous. Not only because it might impact the group's cohesion and because its a big risk, also because it's actually the first time I'm declaring my love to someone.

I'm usually confident but faced with this challenge I'm suddenly feeling not so sure about myself. My heart is trembling even at the thought of having to say "I love you" outloud.

I have to plan a little so I can at least get the words right. The best moment to speak to him is when we're both alone and feeling comfortable (but not too much). Maybe I'll have to create this moment somehow.

Sometimes when both of us  feel like it, we have deep talks on life, on our dreams, on our futur and so on. I think I'll have to create a similar atmosphere for my love confession, one of confidence and intimacy, a heart to heart talk.

That's settled. I'm gonna confess this week."

Bang Chan calls Felix and Changbin to stay in the room to have a chat with him after their dance practice. They both eye each other, a bit concerned by this sudden demand.

They both have an odd feeling about this. But they know that as much as Chan is their leader, he's also their friend.

So when they sit in the chairs at the little side table, they are only mildly preoccupied. Chan seems a bit unsure of how to engage the discussion:

- Erm... guys. There's this thing I want to talk about with you... well, erm...? First, let me ask you something: how do you both get along these days?

Changbin coughs, surprised. Felix rubs his back and answers on his behalf:

- Pretty well. We have been friends since the beginning so we're good.

- Mmm... okay, answers Chan, embarrassed by the awkward atmosphere. "Well... I know you both like each other very much and erm... I want to say that I'll be always supporting you guys."

Felix and Changbin's eyes grow big and round at what these words imply.

- But as the leader of Stray Kids, I have to warn both of you that some people will not accept you as you are. And I'm not talking about the haters, some fans or even staff members might be harsh or mean about both of you. I care for you a lot, you know that, so as your friend I don't want you two to be hurt. 

Felix's eyes start to water at these kind words and he engulfs his leader in a hug, soon joined by Changbin. Felix says a simple but meaningful sentence:

- Thank you.

And Changbin adds:

- I promise we'll be carefull.