Two Secret Diaries || Hyunin

20.

Hyunjin

"I'm such a coward. I'm seriously so ashamed of myself and I feel atrociously guilty for what I've done (or more like not done in this case we're talking about).

Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic over it but still, this awfull feeling is still constricting my thorax like I have done the worst thing of my life.

I wanted so bad to say to Jeongin how much I love him. I want him to know. And I even prepared some lines that I learned by heart but... when it came to actually say the words I found myself speechless.

I couldn't speak the words I had in my mind, instead I invented some lame excuse. I had this cheesy idea to offer a ring to Jeongin when I was confessing and I did give it to him except I didn't say why.

Even writting this in my journal makes me wanna facepalm. I'm such an idiot. And I bet he thinks I'm totally weird now. Who would casually gift a ring to someone as if it was nothing? You said it: no one!

I'm doomed. I won't blame him if he thinks I'm an idiot. I would in fact agree with him and blame the idiot I am even more than he would!

The afternoon after it happened I was wallowing in self-pity when Jeongin came to my bed unknowingly and asked if I was alright. What a sweetheart. It hurt my poor heart.

If that didn't make me fall harder, I don't know what would. But all I found to do was turning red as a tomato and insisting it was nothing.

Of course Jeongin wasn't buying it. When I dared to peek between my hands, he had this look of confusion and worry which is absolutely adorable and would melt any heart, even the coldest one.

And then the words came out in a rush. Those same words I was not able to say in the morning were now out in the open. I said them. I really did."

-Iloveyou, says Hyunjin, still as red as a tomato.

- What? asks a bewildered Jeongin, unsure if he heard his hyung right.

- Don't make me repeat myself, please, pleads Hyunjin in a small and vulnerable voice, eyes tightly closed and head hung low. He whispers nonetheless: "I'm in love with you Jeongin."

Badum-badum.

The sound of blood pumping through his body is suddenly so loud it is all Jeongin can hear. He feels like his ears are blocked with cotton and his mouth has become as dry as the Sahara desert.

He is shocked, that's the least you could say. He doesn't understand what is happening to him. His mind hasn't yet registered the meaning of his hyung's words and that it's actually implying an answer from him.

 Hyunjin's anxiousness is rising as the minutes ticks through Jeongin's silence.

Jeongin finally regains some sense and he blinks repeatedly as if this would help him come out of his state of shock.

- I..., the words die down his throat. He doesn't know what to say because he has no idea of how to respond to Hyunjin. The later, not wanting to wait any longer, saves him from his confusion:

- I'm not asking for an answer right now. Of course not, I won't force anything on you. I can't, it isn't my right. And you probably will never love me but I had to say it to you. I had to... to be honest with my best friend. Just please, don't... turn your back on me later. Take your time to think about it, about everything but don't hate me. I wouldn't be able to take it.

After a silence, Jeongin nods and gets up. He exits the room in a daze, leaving a very anxious Hyunjin behind. Jeongin doesn't know if he dreamt this moment or if it happened for real. But the feeling of his ring on his finger burns him and screams how true all of this was.