Two Secret Diaries || Hyunin

22.

Hyunjin

"I thought the moment before confessing my love was the most stressful of my whole life but now I'm starting to think this is even worse. Not knowing is worse than a no for answer.

And it's taking a toll on me. There's a small voice in my head continuingly repeating that I shouldn't have said anything about my feelings to Jeongin. I scared him off and he is most certainly hating me for that.

I don't regret what I said though, because I couldn't have kept it from him forever but I'm starting to believe what that little voice is saying since I haven't got proof of the contrary.

I'm trying my best to give Jeongin space and not impose myself on him but it is hard. Harder than getting in this company, harder than living far from my family, harder than debuting.

And the members are starting to grow concerned with my nervous state, thinking I'm ill or something. I lost my appetite, I can't swallow anything down.

My old habit of picking my nails came back. I can't stop biting my lips and sometimes my nails leave little crescent shapes on my hands because I squeeze them so hard against my skin.

I'm constantly jittery, I can't stay in place. It's to the point Chan pleaded me to sit down and not move while eating because I was driving him crazy with my constant moving around.

It hurt but I knew he was right, I had to calm down. I tried. But I couldn't so I had to excuse myself out of the table, I wasn't eating anyways.

I tried looking at Jeongin's face a few times to see if I could read any answer on it but I couldn't. He definetly was acting slightly different but I couldn't decipher how exactly.

I'll have to wait until he's ready. Thankfully we always had to be with the members this week so there wasn't any awkward interaction. Actually we didn't speak to each other at all.

I was too embarassed to and I didn't want to make him more uncomfortable than he might already be.

The only thing I could do was steal glances from time to time but it didn't give me any information on how he was doing. This waiting is killing me."

Jeongin lies awake in the dark dorm room. He thinks back to his discussion with Seungmin. The maknae didn't think his friend was actually good at giving advice for heart problems.

Since then, the chaos in Jeongin's mind is slowly dissolving and he feels like he is about to pinpoint something important, something that was always there but that he couldn't understand.

He comes to realize why he felt so strange around Hyunjin, why he was sometimes feeling upset over other members and how comfortable he actually is when he is next to the older.

Before that, Jeongin thought his heart's weird reactions were like any other teenager because that's how teens are supposed to feel at their age: a mess of emotions.

But now he knows that there is a common root to his own emotions, they are all linked with Hyunjin. 

The maknae feels jealous when the older cuddled other members. He feels desire when Hyunjin gives hiw attention. He likes being with the older more than being with anyone else.

Jeongin finally admits to himself that he likes Hyunjin. He likes his personnality, he enjoys spending time with him and likes their close relationship. 

But can what he feel for the older be called love? Is the attraction as strong as that? Is he ready to involve himself with this?

Before he can decide on an answer, the fatigue from his body's muscles catches up and his eyelids flutter close on their own will. He is asleep before he knows it, and a very deep sleep at that.