The Soldier

when freedom commits suicide

She knew she was beaten, she could not kill that helmet guys with a pocket knife and once she was the last one standing, she decided to kneel too.

Tessa could feel the cold glare in her back, wondering if he would kill her just for taking too long, but nothing alike happened, as the front helmet guy continued his speech.

She would survive this, no matter what she would need to do for it. This was not the worst situation she ever had to face.
There was this one time some terrorists caught her and tried to use her as bait. Of course, her unit did not fall for that and so they decided to use her as a propaganda tool, planning to film her beheading - how she got out was kind of blurry.

She was wearing a bag on her face almost the entire time, it was suddenly very loud around her and she noticed some voices of her unit before the well-known grip of Ziva tried to free her. Of course, she tried to stand up and flee, but her feet gave up under her, six days of being bound to her chair without food and only some drops of the filthiest water she ever tasted showing their effect.

Ziva dragged her away, brought her into safety, she told her everything was going to be fine.
The next thing she remembered was waking up in her bed, Ziva sitting by her side.

During that imprisonment she feared for her life every single second and even though she was kind of scared now, the man swinging that weapon seemed to be completely unpredictable after all and was probably planning to kill them, it still felt somehow different.
She did not feel like she could die every single moment which made it already better than that time they kept her imprisoned.

Also, she had a bit more control of the situation, she could at least count on her senses this time.

Tessa was not really able to keep herself from watching him, a light, but threatening smile on his lips, arms spread widely in a dominant gesture.

She could throw her knife, the distance was not that big and she had good chances of striking him too, but the armour would probably keep him safe.

Besides, she only had that one pocket knife, and there still were three other helmet guys, probably ready to kill her immediately afterwards. She could try, maybe-

Reckless, Ziva's voice echoed inside her mind and Tessa did not move an inch.
„Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state?", he continued and walked through the crowd, getting nearer to Tessa.

She looked him up and down, searching for a vulnerable spot on his armoured body. There was that helmet that looked kind of ridiculous now that she came to think about it. But he wore it with such pride that Tessa needed to admit it looked kind of bad-ass actually.
He was dressed in green, black and gold, but most importantly, there was not really a vulnerable place Tessa could stick her knife into. Or at least she could not find one, cautiously hiding her knife behind her back now.

If he was getting too close to her, she would use her knife and stab him before running away as fast as possible.
His words suddenly echoed in her mind. Kneeling was simpler than being killed, that was for sure.

But was it her natural state? She had never been a proud person, but being forced into submission like that did not feel right either.
„It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation.", he continued, sounding more explaining than threatening now.

And Tessa could not help but kind of agree with that thought. She never had a problem with following orders, and that mostly worked out better than just doing what she thought to be right.

Tessa knew she took some very wrong decisions in the past, and the responsibility made her shoulders feel heavy, and loud, like that heartwrenching scream of Ziva. That did not mean she would follow someone like him per se, but there was something about that helmet guy, that made her reconsider her first idea of just killing him. Another cold shiver ran down her spine as she scolded herself mutely for even thinking he was right.

„The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity."

Tessa shifted and wanted to get the stupid thought out her head, that he was somehow right. She knew she should not think like that.

All the time people told her, freedom was something good, something important everyone had the right for. In Tessa's eyes, they did not understand what freedom necessarily entailed.

She, on the other hand, was completely aware of what it cost, she knew that sometimes you are not able to take the right decision for yourself. Sometimes you have got to keep your head down and follow orders without questioning them in order to survive.
Freedom was a good cause to fight for, she understood that, but it was never that important to her. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand, and she was kind of afraid of both of them.
Freedom expected you to crave for something more, something better and bigger than you are now. But since Ziva was... gone, she really had no goal whatsoever to look forward to.

Sure, she had dreams once, but they all blurred out somewhen in the last weeks. Nothing made sense at the moment and if she had the chance she would just sleep the entire time.

Freedom was pushing her. Even if it also meant to just stay the low ranking soldier she once was, without anyone actively pressing her into something, they expected you to get better all the time.
Laura tried to convince her it was time to go search for something bigger. Which in her eyes meant going to university, take a dull job and try to fall in love to live happily ever after with a couple of children. And there was nothing wrong about that, except that Tessa did not want a life like that for herself.
She tried to be part of something bigger. She is... was... a part of something bigger, she was part of an army, but nobody seemed to understand that this was enough for her.
She did not need anything more, she was happy with how things were going. She was a somewhat decent soldier, liked her unit and liked the idea of not coming home every single night.

Of course, she had responsibilities, but not the scary ones. Not where she would need to take decisions that could affect the people she loved or cared about.

Maybe it was wrong to deny all her responsibility by telling herself she was only following orders. She only did what Adam made her do, which after all was her job as a good soldier.

Tessa never questioned Adam until the thing with Josh. Freedom was a cause worth fighting for, or at least that is what people told the newcomers, the scared ones and those who still had second thoughts about joining the army.

They told them fairytales, but it seemed to work pretty well. Tessa did not need any fairytales, she knew what it was going to be like. Harry had told her about it since childhood.
'The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity.' He was right, Tessa thought before immediately scolding herself for agreeing with a person like him. Truth be told, she had to admit, that she was not the biggest fan of freedom either, which did indeed command for so much more than what you had and probably even wanted.

Freedom was a lie. A fairytale worth fighting for. Maybe.