peach starbursts ━━ h.hj + k.sm

3.1

first person pov 8 - Seungmin

The first thing I register when I wake up is warmth. It's like the feeling of sun through a sweatshirt, gentle and comforting. I can feel the weight of Hyunjin's arms on my torso, warm and protective. I want to stay here forever.

But then memories of last night hit me at full force, and every muscle in my body tenses.

Hyunjin stirs next to me, and I realize that I probably woke him up. I pinch the inside of my cheek between my teeth, biting down hard. I hate myself so much, how did I manage to make this worse?

"Sorry, I'm sorry," I mumble, embarrassed at the inadequacy of my apology.

He's sleepy and confused, and more than a little adorable because of it, but I can't let myself be distracted by him. I push aside the covers, moving to get out of his bed, but he locks his arms around me and pulls.

"No," he says, before I can protest, and I go still, confused.

"No, don't do this," he says again, his voice clearing as he wakes up, "don't disappear or close yourself off for telling me you were uncomfortable with something."

I know I'm holding my breath but I can't help it.

"This won't work if you can't tell me that kind of thing. I'm so glad you said it," he says, and my heart contracts.

I want so badly to believe what he's saying but I don't know if I can.

He slowly tightens his arms around me but it doesn't make me panic like I know it should. I can feel my heartbeat slowing down and I'm physically relaxing in his arms. He rests his nose in the middle of my shoulder blades and breathes deeply, and I find myself matching his breathing unconsciously. He's so warm, just like when I woke up. I'm fading into sleep.

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When I wake up again he's gone and it's uncomfortable to be alone in the bed. I wrap a blanket around my shoulders and sit up, looking around.

I love his room. I would never have believed that I could feel so safe in someone else's room, but it feels like another home to me.

It's weird to see his bed unmade, he's not the most organized but his bed is always neatly made. He folds over the blankets on his bed but not the sheets, because they wrinkle too much.

I know so much about him that it's kind of scary, I've watched how he moves and acts so closely I could probably answer any question about him.

And I think that's how I can tell that I care. I care so much about him that I take time to learn about him in the only way I can, which is to watch him.

I hope he knows that. I guess I don't really know how to tell him.

I find him in the kitchen, staring at the toaster on the counter. It's smoking lightly, but it appears to be empty.

"Good morning!" he smiles as soon as he sees me, and the smile makes his entire face light up.

"Hey," I say, standing awkwardly at the door. I don't know where to sit.

"Come sit down," he says, motioning towards the bar-style stools by the counter. The direction is nice, I have something to do now. I sit on the far left, which means I'm facing him as he messes with the toaster. It's nice to be close to him again.

"I seem to have broken the toaster," he says, and then sets it back down, defeated.

I can't help but laugh at him, his clumsiness is so adorable.

He looks up to see me laughing at him and he smiles so widely I swear his face is going to break in half.

"You're laughing," he says, and I nod.

"I didn't know how this morning was going to go, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I wasn't good about checking with you last night and I scared you and I don't ever want to do that again."

He looks up at me, but he's not smiling anymore. His mouth is drawn into a line and his eyes are serious, and it looks like he might be trying not to cry. I've never had someone care enough about me too look at me this way. It makes me more uncomfortable than I thought.

"Hyunjin, it's not a big - "

"Don't you dare brush this off," he interrupts, and I close my mouth. I don't know how to do this. I'm not used to being vulnerable to people, because vulnerability leaves the other person with control. And I can't stand that.

"I - " I start, at he's looking at me like what I say next matters more than anything elst in the world.

"I don't know how to do this," I finish, and I know it's wrong but it's honest.

But then he's holding me like I said the right thing, and I'm melting into him.

"You don't have to," he says, and now he's crying and I don't like that. I try to pull away but he won't let me.

"Seungmin, listen to me," he says softly, and I look up at his eyes. They're dark and hard set with sincerity.

"I don't know how to do this either. Maybe that's why this is working and it's probably why it's not. But I really want this to work and I'm willing to go through a lot before I end it okay?"

I know what he's saying but I don't know if I like it. I don't want someone to fight for me, I'm not worth fighting for.

As if reading my mind, he presses his forehead into mine and says, "I'm going to do whatever I can to make this work. Because I know you will too. And because I really, really like you, Seungmin."

As he says the last part his voice catches, and it's how I can finally tell he's being honest.

"Fuck," I say, defeated, "me too."

He smiles, and it's more reassuring than I would have ever imagined.

"Good."

It's silent for a moment as he stares at me, and then he closes the small distance between us.

He hesitates for a moment before kissing me, and I place my hand on his neck pushing his lips into mine. I can feel him smiling as I kiss him.

He pulls away too soon, and I can tell he doesn't want to, but I think we agree that this morning isn't really the time for another long makeout session. Especially after what happened last night.

"I made toast but I burnt it," he says, his voice slightly scratchy from the kiss, and hearing it sends a shot of dopamine through my brain. I have that effect on him.

I guess I don't mind this time.

"How do eggs sound?" he asks, warily, and I nod.

"I love eggs."

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I'm hella swamped rn so updates are going to be few and far between for a while ... this is my peace offering

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