peach starbursts ━━ h.hj + k.sm

3.6

first person pov 8- Hyunjin

Seungmin cant meet me after school today because Jeongin needs some overtime work. I walk home alone but it feels weird, too lonely. I'm used to walking home alone on Mondays, and yesterday was fine too, but the third day in a row is when it finally starts to bother me.

I know it's not fair for me to want to spend more time with Seungmin, we're practically inseparable when he's not tutoring. We really do spend so much time together that it seems absurd to feel dissatisfied. I put in my headphones and turn the volume all the way up, desperately trying to distract myself from the nagging feeling forming at the base of my stomach.

I'm just upset that I haven't seen him in a couple of days. That's it. I can't read any more into it. I push down the feeling in my stomach, setting my shoulders, and keep walking. He'll be home in an hour, just like he always it, but this time we'll do something. I make myself promise not to think about it.

Not like that's going to work.

I close the door to my room as soon as I get home, laying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling.

I can't believe I'm feeling this way. Because I know that this has less to do with not spending time with Seungmin and more to do with knowing that someone else is.

He's spending time with my Seungmin, hearing my Seungmin's laugh and seeing my Seungmin's smile.

Just thinking about it has me asolutely furious, although I'm not angry at him as much as I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I can't believe I've devolved into self pity and jealousy. I know nothing is happening with them, there isn't anything romantic there, at least not on Seungmin's part, but that's not the issue. He's taking up the time that I should be spending with Seungmin. He's taking my Seungmin away from me.

I hate myself for thinking the way I do, and I hate myself for not doing anything about it. I'm wallowing in my own self pity, to conceited and entitled to do anything about it.

So I do what I've always done when I can't stand being inside my head anymore, even though it's been so long.

I'm changed and outside quickly, stretching my arms above my head as I prepare for a run. I haven't run in so long, not since it got so unhealthy.

But it's the only thing that gets me out of my head so I put in my headphones and run, starting fast and keeping my pace for nearly two kilometers before easing into a more manageable jog. I don't plan a route, I don't need to. I have my phone if I get lost, and the most important thing about tonight is running. I'm going to run until I can't feel my legs before I run back.

It's like I'm running my day out of my body, pounding every mistake and missed opportunity through my body and into the sidewalk. That's why I never take the same route back, I don't want to pick them back up again.

My entire body is burning but I almost don't feel it, I must have been running for four kilometers now and I'm reaching the bliss point where I've been running for so long that I can't hear anything else. I can't hear my thoughts or the feeling that are poking their way to the front of my brain and I can't hear the blood rushing through my body, a constant reminder of my being alive.

I'm running faster now, accelerating at an obviously unattainable speed but I don't feel it, I don't care. My feet and calves are numb but I'm not turning around. The wind smells wonderful, cool and light, rushing past my bare arms and legs.

I can't go back to see Seungmin, I can't risk confronting him about what happened. What I felt wasn't justified, I can't face him. I don't know when I'll turn around. I don't know if I'll be able to run all the way back but I don't care. I can't think about that now.