peach starbursts ━━ h.hj + k.sm

4.9

first person pov 12 - Seungmin

It hit my like shattering glass, and everything went quiet. There wasn't a way to stop it, not like I ever thought there would be. But it's always worse, isn't it? Like any semblance of hope is sucked out of your body. I don't think I could get up if I wanted to.

I must be in some sort of shock state, my heart rate is slowing but I don't have the brainspace to think about it. At least I'm on my bed.

I know by now that it's not a day I can get up and get through. It feels like someone filled my body with wet sand, I'm anchored. It's been so long since this happened and I don't know what to do. I used to be so good at this.

I want to be okay with letting myself stay here. I know I have no other choice. I know that I shouldn't dwell on it.

But I also know that Hyunjin is standing outside his house right now, waiting for me. I know he thinks today is going to be like every other day, where I meet him and we walk together and I smile and talk and breathe normally.

I know that he's going to almost miss his bus because he's waiting for me. I know that he made me a coffee for this morning because it's a Wednesday and he always makes me a coffee on Wednesdays, and now he's going to have to drink it on the bus and carry the cup to all of his classes today. And on the bus ride home.

I know that he knows something is going on and I don't want him to. He doesn't deserve me, this disaster of a brain that controls everything I do.

I'm spiraling and I know it but I'm helpless. I want the earth to open and swallow me, I want to disappear off the face of the earth.

I can't sleep today. It's not going to happen, it didn't last night and it won't today.

I can't get up, I know that. But theres a string loose on the bottom of my shirt and when I pull on it the bottom of my shirt unravels, at least the sewing string, and my mind buries itself deeper as I fidget with my shirt, closing my eyes against the day.

_________

He's here. He's knocking on my window and I don't know what to do, I can't get up and open it, I can't see him. I can't let him see me.

I turn over in my bed, wrapping the blanket around my head. My head is still pounding, throbbing really. I can't do this. He can't see me. He can't see me. This can't happen.

I hear the window open and I my heartbeat kicks in my ears, knowing there's no way to avoid this. I can't believe the window was unlocked.

"Seungmin," he says and his voice is so raw and broken. I can tell without even looking at him that he's about to cry and I cringe inwards, onto myself. As if I can make this situation any worse.

"Seungmin," he says again, and I turn around to look at him. My heart shatters when I see him. He's looks so flustered, so helpless. Like he's totally lost.

I turn back around and he reaches out, stopping right before he touches me and pulling his hand back.

"I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll leave," he says and as he stands up a small, helpless sound leaves my throat, almost a squeak. I can hear his breath catch, my senses heightened to an uncomfortable degree.

He stops when he hears it, turning around, and his breathing gets quicker, the tension in the room getting exponentially higher.

"Seungmin you need to tell me what's going on." he says in one breath, and as hard as I know it was for him to say it I can't do this right now.

"I don't need to do anything."

His breathes hiccup, I know he's trying so hard not to cry and all I want is for him to leave. He doesn't deserve the mess of a person I am. He doesn't deserve this.

"Maybe you don't need to do this," he concedes, and suddenly his voice goes deadly serious, "but you need to say something. I need a sign, because I know I'm doing this wrong and I need to find out how to do it right. Or at least less wrong. I need something," he says, his composure folding as he finishes.

I'm holding my breath, it's almost painful now.

"I'm sorry," is all I can say and he rushes forward, trying to stop me.

"Don't be sorry this isn't your fault!" he's saying it too fast but I don't care enough to listen.

"I'm sorry that you're the only vulnerable one in this relationship. I'm sorry that whenever something happens I have to process it for so much longer than I should. I'm sorry that I don't understand social situations and I'm sorry I don't understand relationships. I'm sorry that I'm so bad at this," I say but it's not final enough. I don't know how to finish this.

"I'm sorry." It's all I know how to say.

"Seungmin," he says again, but there's nothing to follow it. I don't know what he's thinking but I don't like it.

"I'm sorry that you feel obligated to be nice to me."

It's so quiet now, and I can't bring myself to look up at his face. I can't stand to see his reaction.

"Look at me," he says, his voice hard and serious, and my eyes lock on his too quickly.

"Do you actually feel that way?" he asks, his voice watery and shifting, he's so close to crying. I can't stand it. My eyes are still watching his, and they must betray me because he starts crying for real, thin lines of water streaming silently down his face.

"Seungmin listen to me," he says through gritted teeth, trying so hard to keep his emotions in check.

"You are important," he says, and my breath catches at the conviction in his voice.

"You are important on this fucking earth. You are important to me, and you have to deal with that. You can't change that. I can't watch you do this to yourself."

I'm crying now, thick, hot tears coursing over my cheeks and pooling in the creases of my face, the lines of my clenched jaw.

"I know about all those things you do, the obsessive things. I know when you don't eat" he says quietly, and my breath catches. I must have known on some level that he knew but to have him say it out loud kills me. I look down, and he holds the bottom of my chin lightly with his fingertips, pushing my face up to look at his. His voice is firm, unyielding.

"And that's not fair to me. Because you want to talk about obligation? You are obligated to be good to yourself because its only fair to the person who fucking loves you."

And it's like the air is sucked out of my body, like I'm floating in a vacuum. Like I'm passing out slowly, drifting in his words.

"Hyunjin," my voice is thick with my tears, I'm choking on my own emotions.

"I know you don't believe in love. And it may mean nothing to you when I say it. But, goddamnit Seungmin, I am so in love with you."

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I'm so tired I've never been more grateful that I pre-write

that being said the editing for this chapter was definitely not thorough enough, so sorry for the mistakes, I'll edit more when I have time

feedback is always appreciated! thank you all so much for your support <3