30 Days

empty ; pain

Day 3

River was leaning against Paige's locker, waiting for her to come to school. His best friend, Lance, asked him, " How's Paige " Lance wasn't like any other jerks, he knew that River was doing the right thing by caring for Paige so River knew he could trust him. " I don't know man. Yesterday, I said something that made her upset. I am afraid that she would ignore me today and maybe distanced herself more from me. " He shook his head.

Lance pat his back and said, " Well, just be patient. And you know with patience and determination, maybe she would fall for you. " He wiggled his eyebrows and River just mumbled, " Shut Up " While he shoved Lance, Lance grinned " Here comes Paige! " River straighten up and as Paige was in front of her locker, he greeted enthusiastically, " Hi Paige! " She just pushed him away and went to unlock her locker.

Lance encouraged River, " Good luck! Nice seeing you Paige. " He saluted her and with that, he walked off. She just ignored Lance and continued to take out her textbooks for the day. " Paige, I am so sorry for upsetting you yesterday. " River said apologetically. Paige just walked away and River quickly caught up to her. He stopped her by holding both of her arms. She just look at the ground, refusing to look at River in the eye.

River tilt her chin up as he looked into her eyes and said, " Why are you ignoring me? " She froze for a second, she never been this close to a guy but she was smacked back to the reality and realised the situation she is in. She swatted his hand away and replied, " Cause I don't want to be friends with you. " " You know about yesterday, I have been thinking about what you said... " He trailed off. " I do not wish to talk about it " Paige said.

" Paige! Not again! " River shouted as she released herself from River's grip and ran away again. Just like she always been doing, running away from her problems. She was running away from River who all he had done was just being friendly. She couldn't help the thoughts that are running through her mind. The possibilities of many scenarios happening flashing through her mind.

" River said, ' You are too foolish. You think I wanted to be friends with you? Naive little girl. I always despised you from the start. By making friends with you, the way people think of you will worsen. Not only that, they would think I am the victim and you were the one who forced me to be friends with you.' "

" I see River talking to the popular people. He seem to be whispering some stuff to them. I didn't know what was he whispering to them until I saw him smirking at me. I then realized that he is telling all the secrets that I told him. "

Paige was already in her first period class, she was trembling at the thought of it. Her palms were sweaty and there were beads of perspiration forming on her face. She was thinking of scenarios that scared her which made her keep blaming herself for telling River about how she felt. She vowed not to tell anyone about her feelings because they would used it back against you.

Mrs. Brown asked Paige, " Are you okay? You look pale. I give you a pass to go to the sick bay alright? " She gave Mrs. Brown a grateful smile as she replied, " Thank you, Mrs Brown " She hurried out of the door, knowing full well that all 20 pairs of eyes were staring at her. When she was in the empty hallway, she took in a deep breath and realized how suffocated she felt when she was in class.

Instead of going to the sick bay, she went to the bleachers at the field. She dug in her bag and she took out a red notebook. This was where she wrote all her thoughts in, her secrets that she never dared to tell anyone about it. She look at the empty field, she closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. She decided to enjoy the cool wind blowing at her even if it was just for a minute. She open her notebook and wrote i:

I hate what I have become

I push people away,

because I feel that I am not good enough for them

Not worthy of their kindness and care.

I run away from them

because I feel that they would hurt me in someway

I'm too fragile, too vulnerable

I am scared.

-

Paige was walking to the dump there. She decided that the dump is going to be her usual spot for lunch. She heard a voice said, " Paige. " She instantly knew who was it, she rolled her eyes and said, " What? " " Why do you avoid me so much? Like do you really dislike me? " River asked her while sitting down on the floor. " I- " Paige opened her mouth but he stopped her and said, " You don't tell me your answer unless it is totally honest. "

They both sat there in silence, Paige knew the answer immediately but she didn't want him to know that he actually could be friends with her. She wanted to diminish his thought of them becoming friends. No, she believed that she will never have a happy ending because why would a pathetic girl have a happy ending? She doesn't deserve it. " So? What do you dislike about me? Do you have that answer yet? " River asked her.

She was in a dilemma. Should she tell the truth or not? She had to make a choice now and she replied, " Yes. I dislike you because... you are just a pain in an ass. " River scoffed, " Utter bullshit. But I do agree that I can be a pain in an ass sometimes. That is what Lance tells me. " " I totally agree with him. You are so annoying like you are everywhere basically... " She told him.

River looked at her talk, sitting opposite him and realized that that's the girl who he has been looking for. Not the avoiding him / quiet girl but the sarcastic / fun-loving girl.

Paige looked at him weirdly, " Why are you staring at me? " He cleared his throat and stuttered, " Um.. umm.. I wasn't staring at you. I was staring... at the tree opposite you! yeah the tree. " She turn around and asked him, " Really? That rotting old tree with almost no leaves since most of them has fallen to the ground? "

He nodded vigorously, " Yes, yes! The tree is such a masterpiece. She is such a masterpiece isn't she? " Paige looked again at the tree and said, " Ye-ah...." River was making himself like a fool and he bet that she thought that he was high. He cleared his throat, " So, can we be friends? " Instantly, she replied, " No "

" Why not? " River asked her, widening his eyes. She knew the trick that he was pulling so she didn't waver and answered, " Because there is no why not. I just don't want to be friends with you. "

" Please, I would even kneel down for you. " He said desperately and she repeated, " No no no n- " " Stop. Don't say another no. Just give me a chance. Just a chance. If I screw up, I will just walk away and disappear. " He said.

She was in another dilemma. Should she take a chance and be his friend and maybe just maybe, she would experience happiness or resulting in heartbreak, or just be safe?

She knew that once he enters her life, her walls would not be as strong as last time or if her walls were even strong enough to withstand River. River asked her, " What'd you say? Yes? " She took a deep breath, hoping she made a choice that she would not regret.

She said, " Yes. "