The Love I Never Gave-Maylor

Letters

Night

Brian hadn't come back since he went out into rage. The mess he left was cleaned up, it took me all day long, after all, it was my fault for provoking him so I should be the one to clean. If he hadn't come back for the night that meant one thing, he's out for the entire night. Ideas seeped into mind but the one that stood out the most was my fantasy of going back to my own house where I belonged, away from everything, shut out from the world.

 But then again, what would Brian think? Once he walked in here and didn't see me, then what? He'd hurt me. Give me the worst beating of my life as he wouldn't appreciate my attempts of going back home. And if I did go back and he noticed, it wasn't like I could hide. He knew exactly what my address was and he'd come for me before I made it a step inside. 

I'd have to stay here, living with the consequences. A walk. That's it. I'll just go on a walk. I couldn't go back to my house to leave, but he never said anything about me not being allowed to leave the house for a while. He wouldn't mind, at least I hoped not. I would come back and that's what mattered to him. I couldn't take being here another second, always trapped, I wanted to explore around and be free. 

I went up to the door and closed it behind me, ready to go on an adventure. Moonlight shone through dark figures of the night but also illuminated my path to freedom. Passing past dim-litted neighborhoods, I reached my destination, the park bench. The one Brian and I were on, on our first date and came here daily here after that, but it didn't last long. Moon radiated its light, bright in the sky, showing it's beauty to the world and unafraid to do so. Stars surrounded it, speckled onto the sky like white dots on a canvas painting. 

Stars. Brian's words came back to me and lingered. "Even with all the people on Earth, I only ever wanted you." Heart sank further as those words hit me. Tears formed and welled up in my eyes, unable to come out against their will. I love you. I haven't heard those words from him in so long. My heart yearned to hear them from him and only him. That night he truly meant it, he said it with assuredness in his voice, but now what happened? He's hurting me, but he's hurting himself the most, who he really was and pushing his true self away. Did he even love me? Me. Did I ever love him? I did, but I loved the real Brian, the kind and sweet one. The Brian I knew. Twigs broke and leaves crunched. Someone was here. I turned around, looking out to the darkness beyond. Pitch black until movement became prominent in the mix. What—who was it? More movement followed before a figure emerged out of the shadows and headed straight for me. I got up from my spot, ready to leave when a horrifying voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Roger, wait, please."

Please? That's the first time he's begged me for anything. I whipped around to make sure it really was him. I sat back down, not wanting to disobey his orders and risk something hurtful. Footsteps became closer as he came nearer to where I sat. He took his spot next to me and sat there in silence. He looked up, anticipating something to happen. I couldn't help but brace myself if Brian wanted to try anything that would harm me.

"I'm sorry about earlier."

I'm sorry? Did I hear him right? His words to get through me. Sorry, those words would never come out of his mouth, not in a million years. Or maybe I was right, the real Brian was buried somewhere deep inside of the monster and he was shining through. He loved this place, maybe that's one of his weak spots and why he wasn't being his usual horrid self.

"You know, these stars, they sort of bring me a sense of peace, and yes, they still remind me of you. You're almost too beautiful to be human. I love you."

His arm around me brought my body closer to him and he leaned in. I couldn't let him kiss me, just because he said he was sorry didn't mean that I gave him the green card to do whatever he wanted with me. I pushed him away, trying not to be forceful as horror spread across my face and Brian's own face drooped, hazy eyed and hanging lips. Drunk. All this time he's been acting like his old self and it was a lie! 

I really believed he'd come back, seeing the wrong he has done and coming to apologize for everything but instead he went out and got high like any other day. He did a complete 180, staring me dead in the eyes, teeth grinding against each other and eyebrows scrunched together. I knew what he was going to do next and I bolted out of my seat, onto the streets, wind blowing into me. 

Hair bounced all over the place, not daring to look back at whatever could've been behind me. Once I reached his house, I slammed the door shut, putting all locks on it and closed all blinds, locking every single window in the house and turning the lights off as if I was a maniac, running around the back, heavy breaths leaving me and mind freaking out, racing with only thoughts of danger and how unsafe I could be if I missed anything.

Breathe...Breathe...Everything was going to be alright, I locked all the windows, doors, anything that could be used as an entrance, there was no way that he would be able to get into here. Breathing returned to normal and I remained calm, occasionally receiving little spikes of anxiety through my thoughts. The only light on in the house being the one by Brian's desk where he wrote up all his songs. 

An idea sparked into mind and I was quick to sit down, taking a pen and paper out. I wrote a letter to Brian, spilling my real thoughts and feelings I had for him onto paper, sort of a coping mechanism. I couldn't keep my emotions pushed away and bottled up inside of me, I had to let them out. One word written and the rest being history, hand not stopping for a single second, too much to say to take breaks. John and Freddie deserved one too, they've done a lot of sacrifices for me and I needed to thank them for caring for everyone, even me, a worthless person that wasted their time with my problems.

Only one left, me. I struggled to get the pen moving and what to say about myself but eventually ideas came in, going down onto the paper, despite sputtering lots of times. Waves of guilt rattled me and a whole new way of feeling about myself came in, one that made my spirit sink in dread. Sentence after sentence, telling myself how I wasn't worthy and should've been stronger, not allowing myself to be pushed around like I was weak, which I was. You'll never be good enough, weak, worthless...incapable of standing up against him, you deserve this...failure. Failure!

I threw the pen across the room and table shook with every bang my hands smashed against it. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I crumpled the paper into trash, throwing it away, wiping the tear off of my face. There's nothing I could do anymore, only rest. Head hit the ground as I lay there, in silence, room pitch black with the sole light being from the moon, lighting up cracks in the curtains, shining directly at me. Wait a moment, Brian was drunk, weren't people believed to speak only the truth when they were drunk? And if he was telling the truth about everything and meant his words. He still loved me, but why didn't he want to admit it? The question that twisted my mind up the most was if he said he's sorry for what he did, he knew what he was doing was wrong, but then why was he doing this? These questions would never get answers but one thing had one, the real Brian was still in him and that's what mattered, I'd have to work hard to get him out but at the end of the day, I would find him, I will. Eyes fluttered before closing in and I went into slumber, idea lingering in mind.