The Love I Never Gave-Maylor

Satisfaction

Disclaimer: please skip to next chapter if you have a weak stomach or are easily grossed out,  detailed depictions of eating disorders are included in this chapter. 

At Practice

Everything had been going as I wanted it to, but it didn't easily at times. Going through the halls of the studio was hard enough, being asked if I'm fine and other things like that by John and Freddie. And each time, I lied, saying I was fine, in order not to worry them. 

The last thing I wanted was to make them worried about me. Besides, no one should have to be concerned about my well being, I wasn't worthy of that. Breakfast wasn't a choice anymore today, or most days for that matter. Appetite disgusted me and the thought of eating and gaining weight churned my insides, bringing back nausea. I never ate when I was alone, at the very least, I had a couple of drinks but nothing more. The only times I ate were when Freddie and John were in the same room as me and were expected to eat, other than that, nothing touched my lips. No matter how much my body ached fatigued, nothing could ever make me eat. Brian, he's a different story. He didn't give a shit if I ate or not, he liked it and encouraged it, one of the only things I liked about him was that he supported me in my choice and didn't try to change it. Breakfast time. Brian and I, no one else, excellent.

"Not eating? Wow, for once you stop being a fat whore."

"Yeah, and I'm never doing it again."

"Good boy," he said, patting me on the back.

Break Time

Breaktime, please not this. If this happened, I would have to eat. Throat closed in and gags left my mouth thing about food. I stopped though, I didn't want anyone to hear me. Throw up. I'd have food today but when I got back to Brian's house, it's coming out. It's all going to be fine, remember it's not staying, I'm getting rid of it. I went over to my usual stop on the sofa next to Brian, once I had my food ready. Freddie and Johntalked in the background, while I was adrift in a world of my own. Food stared at me, glaring at my reluctance to eat it. Brian would think that I was fat again and I agreed, but for the sake of proving to the rest that I was fine, I had to do it. Hand hesitant to pick the utensil up, but eventually I had a scoop of food, ready to go into my mouth. Hand trembled as it got closer and closer to me. Body twitched as I tried to keep gags from coming out. 

I had to do this. At last, it reached my lips, this is it, do it! I opened my mouth and chucked the food in despite how awful my stomach spun and how I wanted to so badly throw it up. Chewing, not doing anything that would set things off, finding comfort in that fast that I would get rid of it, sooner or later. Every bite being torture and nothing I could to about it. Chewing against my will, trying not to think about all the weight I would gain. 

Time wasn't on my side, everything moved in slow motion and froze, not advancing. But aht didn't stop me from looking up at the clock, checking each tick, anticipating that one tick that meant break was over. Tick. The time has come! I shot up from the sofa as the others stood up, going out of the room into the hallway. I had to get it out, now! Once nobody was in sight, I looked around, checking for anyone that could still be here. No one. I turned opposite way from where everyone else was headed and made my way to the restroom. It was then that a voice rang into my ears that I stopped.

"Roger, darling, are you coming?"

Freddie. Shit. How did I not see him? He looked me in the eyes waiting for an answer. My deed would have to wait. Right now I had to make Freddie think I was fine.

"Y...yeah."

He motioned me to come over and hurry up. That's what I did, slightly disappointed in myself. Once we reached the recording room, I was quick to go over to my drumset, where no one could notice me. Brian was nowhere in sight, typical. But then again, where could he be? Thoughts halted to a stop as a tight sensation drove up my arm and closed around and suffocating it. Freddie, my marks!