Seething Journey

Chapter 1

The meadow is so quiet and beautiful. Sitting here all the time just to think and be at peace. I always know there is a chance the family will find my hiding place. Yet, while it is mine, I will treasure the moments. I know many others come here too. Even so, I enjoy the sounds of the frogs. I love being able to hear the water. It's an oasis and I feel blessed to know God has brought me through it. My best friends know I have this place. The guy I am with is wondering why I am attached to this place. It's because I am alone with my thoughts and don't have to worry about hearing the bullshit I do. I have thought about taking my man here a few times. Then it would be our place. I just worry he won't see what I am talking about. I just want to show him you know.

Anyway, when life is driving me nuts and it's as if my talks with God aren't working, it's where I go. With living on the outskirts of Greenwood Delaware, it's cool to have found my very own space to truly be alone with myself. I am the oldest of many. I started going for walks when u was sixteen. Yes, you could say I was running away from my problems. I just couldn't deal with trying to get my mom's approval and still maintain my sanity. At one point I chose the coward way out. I was going to commit suicide. I attempted to do it twice. By the grace of God and my friends I didn't. Anyway, when I found what I call the Meadow I was walking down a road that's up the street from where I live. Going there has been keeping me at peace for some time.

I am now 19 years old and I have been through enough to have an outlet of my own. Last night my boyfriend, Michael, who most call Mike asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "I don't know." Mike said, " what about that place you always tell me about?" " I would like to take you. We can go tomorrow. My mom isn't going to want me to leave right now. It's almost 11:00." "True. I just love spending time with you." "I know you do. I do too." The next day, Saturday afternoon when Mike came by the house, he said, "do you want to go for a walk?" I gave him the "of course I do" look. He said, "I know you do. I just like the look you give me." I laughed and got my shoes on. We headed straight up the road. When we turned down Nichols Run, Mike was wondering if we were just going by the lake."

When he realized we were walking past the lake, he got curious. He was wondering where I was leading him. When we got to the side where it was just woods, and a long trail, he stopped. He said, "Kat, what are we doing?" "I took his hand and guided him to where there was a circle of grass. Mike said, "what are we doing here?" "I said, "this is my special place. This is what I wanted to show you." "I see." I laid on the grass and tapped a spot beside me. Mike came down and sat down. He said, "now what?" I said, "we can finally talk about whatever you want. We can do whatever here." Mike started laughing. I knew then what he was thinking. Coincidentally, the day I took him to my favorite place, it was also my birthday. I wanted this visit to be special. I wanted it to be special because it had been a little bit since I saw him.

Anyway, throughout the six months Mike and I were together back then, we had gone to the meadow many times. Mike and I had engaged in some sexual activity there about three times. Throughout the rest of the time I lived in Delaware, I was going through the motions with my mom. There were moments when she wanted me to be there and then times when she would tell me about how she was trying to prepare me for a life on my own. It wasn't until now which I have learned my parents had me sheltered for a long time. When I left Delaware back in 2014, I was leaving to go to college in Florida. As it turns out my mom had other ideas. She never send me the rest of what I needed. My grandfather tried helping me, but he made too much for where I would have to pay out a lot.

After a while of things being all over the place while I was there, I wanted out of the situation. I didn't want to still be around all the chaos. There was some who said I was the cause of it. What really happened was because I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do anymore, they didn't want me around. They wanted to continue to force me to sit around and watch their children and clean until I couldn't anymore. I just didn't want to. I came up with two options. I was either going to go live with the person I was seeing or get in touch with my father who lived in South Carolina. Once I got into contact with him, we planned it out for him to come and get me. To this day my father still says I only called him because I needed him. Honestly, I chose to call him. I just won't ever tell him that to his face. I know it wouldn't go over well.

As always, I know when I should say certain things to him. Well, when he came and got me, it was a challenge. My dad and great aunt Lisa got into an argument with my grandfather's ex wife Cassandra. To me, I believe it was all nonsense . She wanted me around to tend to her children and clean until she wanted me to stop . I soon learned after all that; I was going to end up in the same situation . Little did I think I was going to come on top . The good thing about me , in my opinion , is that I am always writing . I have always found a way to write and bring it all together . Sometimes , even if it is just me repeating myself . That's something I do a whole lot of . During the time I lived with my father I wrote in a journal . I did also manage to publish two books of my very own . Of course, when I look back on it now, I know a look of it was me trying to free myself or at least have my own outlet . It's something I had wanted to do . It was a lot of dealing with my great aunt having an opinion about  everything I did and wore . It was also my father constantly telling me to hold off on my writing and my karaoke until I had time . I didn't realize it was going to be a case of where him and my dad's girlfriend who seemed like a second mom to me, to have me being the one to always be cleaning and watching my little sister. I say that because when I was in the process of coming to South Carolina, my father told me, " Don't worry, you won't have to watch you sister. You will just have to worry about working and getting yourself through school." None of that happened. There were times when I should have to deal with my great aunt and my dad getting on me in the same day at work and the it coming home with me too . It ended up driving me crazy and all I wanted was to be in the garage and escape. It  didn't end up going like that. I should have known better to expect I would get what I wanted. My twin brother lived in Delaware with my mom. When he came to live with us, it was a mess from there. Daquan and my dad were never seeing eye to eye. My dad would get on us for yelling and stuff at our sister. My dad also tried telling  me I told my would-be stepsister, Allison, who I love to death, that I said, " My dad would never be her dad." Anyone who knows me knows I would never say those things. It didn't take too much for me to have convince everyone I didn't say it. The year 2016 was like a disaster which seemed to never end. At least that's how it looked to me. It was like no matter what I did at work for my great aunt it wasn't enough, or I wasn't doing it right. I felt like I was going to literally think about reconsidering my decision of wanting to commit suicide. I felt like that but them I talked to my best friend Joshalyn. She knows me better than anyone and she has been there foe me through everything. When I talked with her, she made me realize I was stronger than what my dad ad my great aunt thought of me. She wanted to get myself back to being stronger. She knew I could do it and used the new-friend strength to sit down and talk with Andrea, my dad's girlfriend. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline~~1-800-273-8255

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