Seething Journey

Chapter 11

I know I got to put in the work. I know I got to buckle down and do what I can to get there. You know wherever there is. I know that I am always scatterbrained but I find a way to work for me. I do what I know I can do. I build on the skills I have whether I want to or not. I know with me putting my fingers across the paper and me typing on the computer helps. My Nana believes in me. She feels I got to keep reaching for new heights. I know u should too. I know I should because I got to believe in myself too. I know I have the intellect for many things. I just know I get scared and let my fear take over. I know I got to let myself just go for it. I got to remember that I have come far already. I must remind myself there is a reason for it too.

There is a reason for everything in this world. Being able to just think about everything going on right now is pushing me to do more. I want to become a better person before I am no longer on this earth. I want those who mean a lot to me to know it. I want then to see I finally did it.  I want them to know I didn't give on what I can do. I want to show everyone there is more to me than just a child-like face and being able to take orders at a fast pace manner. I know I got to go with my gut. I know I got to show what I am made of. I know lately, I have been doing many different things. My body is starting to try and slow down, and I want it to get back into being at the fast pace it used to be at. I know with the right kind of push it can be done.

I know even with my day jobs; I can still have time for writing. I will make time to sit at my computer and use my imagination. I will do what I need to do. I know it's always been my dream to become an author. I want to be on the New York Times bestselling author list. I know it might even be years before it happens. I'm just glad people get to read my work. I have had the chance to have poems published when I was in high school. I made myself proud because I wasn't sure I was always going to win. I always knew there was someone better. I knew I had to keep sharpening up my skills. I know my writing had to mean something. I know what I was going through as a teenager was coming from within me. It was coming from my environment. I knew it was and I chose to do something about it.

I used my hands to write it out. I put it in my journals, my songs, and my stories. I allowed for all of it to build up and I knew my writing was my outlet. I know I went through the phase of taking everything I wrote and burning it in the fireplace. I also know I kept rewriting and rewriting. I know I chose to do as many drafts as I could until I felt it was perfect. I know I kept putting parts of my life into my stories. I know I had plans for my writing which no one knew about. I know as soon as I get my hands on the paper format to use, I can do it. I know I can do what no one else can. I know I am who I am because of what I have done in my life. I know history repeats itself. I know I must use it all to my advantage. I know it's going to take time and effort.

I know what I am capable of. I know I can recreate every piece I have ever written. I know I continue to come back to it because it's been something to bother me for years. I know the pain which had come with me knowing I wasn't able to take them with me. I know I can't take responsibility for other people's actions. I know I have taken chances with my writing. I know to turn my journals into stories doesn't sound like a good idea. Yet those journals we're what kept me together. It helped me get through what it was like living with my parents and then just my mom and siblings. All my journals were organized and there were specifics for each one. There were stories even about my own love life. My love life was up and down back then. I had hidden crushed. I had sadness from people I dealt with.

I know it happened years ago and I still talk about it. I still talk about it because it made me who I am. It's stuff my relatives are even finding out now. My journals are the hidden key to it all. It's the key to it all because it's a series of events. It's the journey which kept going and I kept building. I wanted a library of my very own work. I can say I do have one. It may not be in my hands, but it's in my mind. Its where it should be. All I got to do is put it all on paper. I got to take all my memories and put them together. I got to piece it together and make sure it's accurate. I'm going to write my truth and make sure no one stops me from writing it. It's my story to tell. Its the broken pieces of my life which will come together.

I know I must understand its tapping into the events and feelings I have tried to block out. I know it's the moments in which I and my friends went through together. I know it's filled with events which happened in the house I lived in. I know it's about different ideas and thoughts I wanted to come out. I know it something which had been something like a work in progress. I know it's about my readers being able to see I was not perfect. I want them to see I have gotten out of those situations and I'm still standing. I know I'm still standing because God allowed me to be here. I know he has saved me more than once. I know I have wanted to live and even when I thought about ending my life, I didn't because I wanted more.

I wanted more of my life. I wanted to see what was going to happen in the end. I want to know if I was going to make it through. I wanted to claim what was mine. I didn't want to be having to be put in the dirt yet. I didn't want to have to be up in heaven watching my family and friends live out their lives. I know I have lost fellow classmates over the years. I know I went through the same things as them. I learned how to get through it. I know between my friends, school, and writing I got through it. I went to the wellness center each week and got my therapy. I did the activities and lived. I joined school clubs and went on trips. I did what I thought I couldn't do. I know it was tough at times but I got past it. I made sure I wasn't going to give up on my own life.

I know to hear that my mother didn't want her children to have a better life than she did was a hard pill to swallow. Yet I wasn't going to let it stop me. I kept buckling down in my schoolwork. I used what I did in school to get me by. I made sure I did the right things to get me noticed by my colleges. I was just about my SAT score but it was good enough for me to get into college. That's a wonderful accomplishment seeing how parents had to go through struggle before they could finish school. I grew up constantly hearing about what they went through. It used to drive me crazy. It drove me nuts, but I did what my parents thought I couldn't. It used to be amazing knowing I could prove them wrong. It was amazing and I kept doing it. I kept doing it because it was my fuel.

It was the fuel to make me push harder. I wanted to get away from that life. I wanted to be as far away from my mother as I could. It wasn't that I didn't love her because I did, and still do. It was because no matter what I did I could never get her approval. It was like nothing would make her happy. I wanted her and my father's approval. I had to learn I would never get it. I know it's better for me to love them from afar. I know they don't care until it has to do with them. I know I did things when I was younger. I know I did little stupid stuff. I know when I was a teenager I put myself in a couple of situations I shouldn't have been in but I always got out of it. I had to deal with the repercussions. It was a lot to deal with, but my mom always liked to tell me about how my younger siblings do things I never did.