Seething Journey

Chapter 5

I wrote again that same day. This time I wrote at 10:16 pm. I titled it Quickly. I wrote: "In the short time of my parents and the family being home, I got irritated really quick. Yet at the same time I am doing alright now. I had a good day at work too. Work wasn't bad at all. It was good for a Monday. I am working on this new story and I am upset I am not getting anywhere. It's like anything I put on the paper sounds like trash. Then again, it's my own opinion. I know now I have a fan base. With them I know I can work with getting things better for what they would like." With my journal writing it helped me keep all my thoughts together. It also helped me keep track because there are times when I just lose my train of thought and I feel like a child again. 

I wrote again on March 8th, 2018 at 11:58 pm. I titled it Release. I wrote: "I know I have a smart mouth. I know I can make smart comments. I can work on that. What I don't understand is why my father wants to continuously make me feel small when he gets on me about it. He likes to tell me I'm not a child, yet at the same time when he gets on me, I fold just like when I was a kid. I know when I talk with my friends, I make it seem as if everything is okay, until it hits to where everything seems to be repeating itself. When I hit that point where I thought about wanting to commit suicide, I felt like I had destroyed the person I was trying to build. Anyway, I'm thankful I didn't go through with it. At the same time, I just want to understand why I can't even please my father. Then again, I know deep down he will never be satisfied. 

Of course, I do keep trying. I don't get why he feels when I come home it's my job to clean and not stop. He thinks I don't do enough to be tired. He doesn't think I am entitled to anything. I know I must earn my keep. At the same time, I know my dad is going overboard and being crazy. Yet, I am going to keep trying and hopefully I can get to where I want to be and leave." I wrote again on May 25th, 2018 at 5:40 pm. I titled it An Update. I wrote: "It's been a good minute. I must say life has changed immensely. My family got into an accident back in March and it's been a whirlwind ever since. My stepsister has been in the hospital and is now in a recovery rehab for her to try and get back to walking again. The rest of my family is okay.  I was not in the accident, but it has affected everyone. The main goal is to be here for Allison. 

Also, it's important for me to be able to make enough money to keep our home and still have a little something for myself. The having something for myself doesn't seem to be happening. Yet, I have started looking for a second job. I know my stepmom doesn't approve but I know I need money for us while I am paying off my debt to her for helping me with the car accident I had before they had theirs. It's draining and I do find myself getting irritated and wondering why it seems like I am the only one doing anything. Yet, I know it's just my anger talking. I am sure I am going to get past all my anger and push through all the yelling and complaints I hear about what I do.

I wrote again on August 6, 2018 at 2:09 pm. It titled it Getting Back. I wrote: "Well, I'm in a new space now. I am getting back into my writing. I now have 29 stories on Wattpad. I'm working on two novels. I'm hoping I can make them great pieces of art. I know I have changed as a writer since I was a teenager. I'm glad I can still write and let the words flow together. I can't believe I have thought about giving up on it so many times. Anyway, there is a ton of drama going on around me. Yet, I'm glad I can go to work and be able to escape it. I mean there may be drama there, but it's nothing I can't handle. I am going to be coming into my own. I know I got to get back into being the real person I have always been. I got to stop being afraid of my parents. I know I'm not going to get their approval. It's just a part of me which won't let go of the hope, they will accept me one day."

I wrote the next day at 12:12 am. I titled it Irritable. I wrote: "I'm letting my mind wander back to the events of yesterday. I got to spend time with the man who I feel I am in love with. I know guys say things and the one I am with speaks his mind no matter what. When you have a younger sibling, who has done it more than you and in more places of a place you both share it makes you feel low. To the guy I am with, it was a challenge put in front of him. It came out wrong for him to say he was going to take me upstairs and hit it. Yet, for us it's who we are and it's the only time we can be complete with each other. I won't have to worry about everything going on around me. I can just be with him and enjoy the moment. My insecurities wont show, and I can feel good." That was a time I felt lost but wanting to feel powerful at the same time.

To explain the next journal entry, I am going to share the stroy I am referring to is a story I wrote when I was 14 years old. I was in seventh grade and it took just about a whole school year to write it. It started out as a class assignment which I turned into a whole notebook. I was proud of myself. Anyway, on we go. I wrote on August 10, 2018 at 9:57 am. I titled it Desire and Force. I wrote: "When I'm writing My Accident this time, I have different emotions about it. It's not like the oringinal , and I was hope ing it was