Seething Journey

Chapter 9

I know when I am working there may be people to help me get something, but ultimately it will be up to me to do my job. It's supposed to be that way though. I know I must earn the things I want. I know it takes tons of hard work. I know at times it seems like I am repeating myself, yet even so its the only way people hear me. It helps me sometimes to know if people are listening or if it's going in one ear and out the other. It reminds me of when I was growing up and my mom would say that about me and my siblings. Now, that I'm older I have a better understanding of why my parents did the things they did. I also know why certain guys I dated used to flip about me not allowing then to do something for me. I understand it now because its because they want to help me. They wanted me to know I don't always have to do it by myself.

I know I like to be independent and it plays a big part in my daily activities. I would rather do it myself instead of asking. Of course, it usually leads me to have tons of questions. Yet, this why I usually turn to Google or the older people around me. I have heard things about being in love and being able to keep the person you are with. I have heard different strategies for keeping up my health. I have even tried doing my own research on what to do. I know I want to lose weight, but anytime I mention it to someone they always say, "Katrina you look great, you don't need to lose anything." My answer to that has never changed. It's always, "I appreciate that, but I got to get rid of my stomach." I have been trying to do it since I was in high school. It didn't happen then, and it isn't happening now, and I know I have been giving up.

I know with me being back at work and the fact I will be walking again; I should be back where I need to be. I know I need to make sure I maintain my diet the right way. I know I need to make sure I get back into dancing. I love being able to dance around the room. I know I like being able to dance on my Wii. I know when I choose to, I can look up Zumba and dance videos on my laptop. I like being able to do the workouts on YouTube. I know if I stick to it, I should be fine. Music is a big part of my life anyway. I listen to music in the morning or at night when I'm in the shower. I play it when I'm writing. I play music when I'm bored. There is always a song being stuck in my head too. I was asked one time, "why do you dance around all the time?" It was a little girl who asked me. Even so, it's because music and dancing are a distraction from the world.

There are many distractions from the world I have found. I got music, writing, work, and reading. I know it's not common but it's the person I am. Trust me, there are other sides to me besides loving to dance and not having rhythm. I know that's kind of crazy but I can't move my body like a lot of the women of the world. It doesn't stop me from trying of course. Lately, I have been learning more about writing. I have been learning more about self-publishing. I want to get myself off the ground and do more. I know I keep wondering if there is something missing from my writing. I know I got to find what works for me. Finding what works for me and my writing is very tough. I know it's because I give my all with my day job. I got to be able to find the balance in the two. Writing is just something I have always done, and I don't want to give up on it.

I know what I can do is work during the day and have a book on the side and just write on my break and at night. I know I can do that. I know can do it because I have done it before. When I used to do it, I was happy with it. I know I will just have to get back into the flow of things. I center everything around me working. I know I do it because everything takes a back seat to it. If I don't work, I won't have money and no money means I'm broke and it shows I don't know how to finance my life. It also shows some people what kind of person I am. I don't want the people around me to see me in that light. I know I will work two jobs if I must. I was able to with and keep up with my writing. I'm just always doubtful before I do it. It shows a lot to me because I always allow myself to go the extra mile.

I will think I can't do it before I do it and then once I do it I'm shocked it happened. I'm human and I have used my life experiences in my writing. I know I write fiction and some people are like, "Is this true?" I can't very well say it is because the whole story would have to be true. I know I like being able to play with my characters and are where the story will end. I know when I was younger, I would write about an event which happened and twist it somewhere through the story and change the ending. Sometimes it would be happy, and other times it's just sad. Yet I love being able to see what happens. I have a passion for many things. I put me all into everything I do once I get going. I just have the type of drive to become whatever I want. I know I could be many different successful people. I know I can because I put in the effort.

Even though I have all these different skills, it hasn't stopped me from forgetting about my dreams and the things I want to do with my life. I want to go to school and get my degree. I want to find a way to become a famous author. I want to be better than I was in the past. I want those who know me to see I have done something great. I know they all know I am a hard worker. I know they all understand me in one way or another. I just know its a challenge to prove to myself I can do all the things I want to. Of course, it's also when my faith comes into play. When my faith comes in it's a whole other ball game. It's a whole other ball game because the negativity in me seems to disappear and all I see is the greatness. It helps me to know God is with me and he isn't going to let me forget I am strong-willed and how far I have come. Everything ties in together when it truly must. It's the truth even if I don't always want to believe it. 

I don't always want to believe it because I want to wallow in my sorrows. I want to stay sad for a little while. It's because I keep thinking about the past. Yet I do know if I just sit down and breath and put it all on paper I should feel better. I know that's the good and bad parts about writing nonfiction pieces. It's because there are parts of your life which have a ton of darkness and you don't want to face it. When you don't deal with the issues it can take over and seem as if it's making you go crazy. It can feel that what because it's weighing heavily on your heart. Once that happens there can be other parts which start acting up because of you having problems with your chest. You got to talk to someone and let it out. I am always talking about letting things out and letting them go. Yet there are some things I haven't let go of.

I haven't let go of them because there were current things which make me think about the past. I just know it happened and I can't change it. Once I say it to myself a few times I feel better and I let loose. It's just a coping mechanism. It's coping mechanisms which work for me. I know I am all over the place, but I am also organized. I'm organized and I try to keep myself together. Everything is done a certain way. It's done in order because I don't want to lose track. I have a different notebook for everything. I got a notebook for things I should be learning about life, one for my Godly devotions. I also got one for my vocabulary. I got tons for story ideas. It's just when I run out of paper and then everything gets messed up. I fix it once I find the root of where it all went wrong. It's not hard when you know where things started to change.

I can say the most time I have seen it where things get crazy when I'm writing is when it comes to me writing about myself. It gets most crazy when I'm writing about myself because there are parts I want to write about, but there are people in my life who get upset about what I would choose to say. I am very detailed which means j would try not to leave anything out. I want to write about everything in my life. When I start getting the right mood going I got family trying to tell me I should wait until I'm older. I have come to know they are going through things now and a lot of the events I have been through and seen could help. I want to be able to help people while I'm young. I have doubt when I get older. I feel as if I will become like the family members before me and forget about writing and my dreams all together.