Seething Journey

Chapter 4

                    I didn't write again until the month of March . It wasn't too bad though. I learned when I don't write for a certain amount of time, I became mighty cranky. I wrote again on March 2nd, 2018 at 1:12am . I titled it understanding. I wrote "I have been searching for the person I once was for the longest time . I know the person I was as a teenager isn't going to come back . Back then I know for a fact I was a lot more fun livelier . I know I wasn't always confident in myself, but I got through it all . I had fun all the time with me and my music in my room . It seems even now when I play my music and play if when I'm in the shower I am too loud. I think about the times when I was told I was the loudest in the house . These days I do think about how I have become . I used to love walking every day . In the month of December Allison's father had passed and it took a deep toll . It was truly intriguing  to me how I was able to have relationship with a man who wasn't even my father which was a lot stronger than the one I have with my actual earthbound father . My dad used to tell me, "Alisha and Mr. Walt are not your friend." It was not my fault that they saw through him and Andrea. It did irritate me at times when Mr. Walt would call me their maid and I was the nurse. Yet, when he told me I was the best nurse he had, it made me feel warm. there it was a man who was not perfect by any means but was showing me gratitude made me feel happy. Between the months of January into the beginning of February it was it a breakup hookup type of situation with me and Adrian . We weren't together, just hooked up whenever. During the February 2018, I created a new journal on LiveJournal.com. I created it because I took the other one down and connected it with a story I was working on. I took that story and posted it on Wattpad. On February 7, 2018 at 10:24 am, I wrote, and this is what I said, "When you find yourself with a headache which starts from the back of your head moving to the front, you get worried. It's a migraine and it sucks. I took some medicine and I feel a little better. Chilling with my baby sister is nice. I'm watching her while she's on YouTube and I'm looking at Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian. I'm thinking my migraine may be from my bun being too tight. I don't know but I'm glad the pain is passing on." 

I know no one wants to read about what was in someone's journal, but for me my journals reveal all the truth. Even the things which make me feel crazy or have my laughing like a hyena. I know I'm unique and everything I do has a purpose. It has taken me time to get to where I could completely understand myself and the type of writer I am. Not to mention, just how much I have learned and how far I truly want to go in this world with my passion. I wrote again on February 9, 2018 at 7:50 pm. I wrote, "Since the other day, the migraine I had started to come back when I got home from work today. It's not fun to have a massive headache. I don't want to take a tension headache because then all I will want to do is go to sleep. Work was alright today. Work was busy and it was a little crazy, but I love my job anyway. I finished handwriting the one book I was working on. I'm hoping some more good ideas will flow through my mind to help with some of the lingering story ideas I got."

For me in the past two years of me working at Zaxby's, it's been very exciting and sad and all kinds of interesting. When we are up front, we have conversations which will blow your mind. I have worked with many people. Not all the original people I have worked with are there. Yet I do remember all the good times. I remember this one time when my coworkers and me stood in a circle and were singing in a chorus together. There was the time when all of us girls were having conversations about love and sex. We literally shocked our general manager one day. There was the time when I was making a milkshake and the whole thing splattered all over my face and even the registers. There were times when I would work night shift, and I would be hanging out with the cooks and some of the cashiers out back when the store was closed. My Zaxby's family is dysfunctional but we are one heck of a group. It's one of the reasons I haven't left yet. Anyway, let's get back to the story. 

With being able to have gotten through the days I had there were many times I would skip writing in my journal. At the same time, there were days when I would just want to catch up with myself and I would hop on the computer and just start writing. On February 12, 2018 at 12:33 am I wrote again. I titled this one, "Coming Out." I wrote: "Well, with me looking at an old school photo and thinking about all the times I would wear makeup, I know most days now I don't. I wore makeup today and it made me feel good. I felt like a piece of confidence I had was coming back. With going to work today and being able to work like I did and still have the makeup on is pretty cool. Speaking of work, it was long, but I love my job. I know there are days when I am out of it or I'm not wanting to do it, by the end of the day, I am feeling chipper and more ready. Even when I go home and I know it was a good day, I just want to share it."

With the way I was working and all the drama which was going on thanks to Andrea and my dad going through what they were going through, it made my journal writing and work the only two constant things in my life. With everything going on, I ended up in a bad situation myself. With my choices of who I date, I was not right for choosing to still be with someone who was living with the mother of his child. Well it ended badly and me being the person I am, I expressed my feelings in my journal. With doing this, I'm surprised I was able to still be Zen and not want to punch a wall out. I know it's wrong to be thinking that way, but when I'm angry I know I have a habit of truly saying what's on my mind and just throwing and sometimes breaking things. It's not all the time. Most times I can keep myself contained.

I wrote again on Friday February 2, 2018. I titled it Tired Days. I wrote, "The week is almost over. I chose to work six days. With me working six days, I also worked a double yesterday. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday thankfully. I'm glad we were able to get through the day with our minds not about to explode. I know the next two days I will be leaving early since I have been working almost seven days. Last night when I went to bed, I was feeling the pain in my legs. I know I can get through the rest of the week. I'm working on my reading challenge for goodreads.com. I post the books on there, but the reading is helping me get back into smiling about love." The date of February 2, 2018 was the last entry I wrote on the Penzu app for another year. It didn't mean I had stopped writing of course. I chose to write on my LiveJournal.com journal instead. 

I had to back track a little bit for you guys to get a little bit more information for why I kept having a migraine. With me getting back into journal writing, it was keeping me going with work too. I knew the only things I truly had were my job, the people I work with, and anything which represented me writing. I wrote again on February 25, 2018 at 12:48 am. I titled it Living. I wrote, "I know it's been a little while. I have been working and trying not to lose my head. I've been spending time with myself and spending time with great company. I love knowing I can go out and feel happy. There are days when I am at work, and me and the girls talk about our love lives. It's great how we are so comfortable with each other. At the same time when I am at home sitting by myself, I do think about my choices in the people I date and how I approached certain situations."

I know I have a ton I want to do. I always have and I let the way I see others effect what I am doing and feeling. I just dislike feeling like a failure. I don't want to rely on other people. I want to stand on my own two feet. I know I am book smart. I know things happen in life. I know I must overcome it all. At the same time on the inside it feels as if the negative is consuming me. I don't like it." With my journal writing, I was able to stay at least somewhat myself. I wrote again on March 5th, 2018 at 9:19 am. I titled it Issues. I wrote: "With being frustrated from work yesterday, I let it continue to bother me. Then when I was scolded about my sister it made it worse. I snapped at my stepsister and her boyfriend and I know that's wrong. I know in time my feelings are going to cause me to go nuts. It's a horrible feeling like no matter what you do you can't win. I know I can talk to my stepmom, but at the same time I know she isn't going to solve my problem."