Seething Journey

Chapter 8

There have been times when I just look for something to just keep me focused. I dislike when I'm not working. It makes me feel lazy and that's how I get. I know I shouldn't be that way. I get to be able to prove to myself I can do far more than what I have already done. There are adventures and things I went to do I haven't done yet. I have learned a lot from my experiences and the people I know. There are people from my past who have recently shown back up in my life. I don't know if there is a lesson in it. I just don't know if it's supposed to be a test. I just know I must take it as a learning experience. There were questions I had always wanted to be answered and I feel like I have gotten them answered. It's a good thing because for the longest time I felt like there was something wrong with me.

When I feel like that, I can literally go through every flaw I have and want to figure out how to change it. I want to know what I can do to change myself. I want to improve on every aspect there is on the person I am. I want to become someone else entirely. Yet, I have learned I will always be myself. There have been parts of myself I have tried to change but you know old habits die young. Things pop out and you don't mean for it to happen. You do d out things about yourself you didn't know. You learn to build on your skills. You learn that there are more skills you had then you realize. I know there is a lot I can build on. I know I can sharpen my skills. I know there is no way I'm giving up. I know I jump around from one thing to another. I just know I will come back to it and it will be like I never left.

There will be times when I feel like I want to give up. I know I got to keep myself sane and I must remember I can do it. I know I like to allow self-doubt to creep in. When I do that it takes a giant push to make me see I can do it. I'm my biggest critic so I know when it comes to something I like doing I'm the first one to say the worst. I know it sounds crazy but I have learned when I am negative to myself there will be times when things work out wonderfully. Well, at least I can say I don't give you. Even though I think about it at times, I have still become a fast learner. I have learned how to let things go and how to stand strong. Standing strong can be the hardest part, especially with it being me. I got my family, but I want to be able to do things on my own. It's part of being an adult.

I know ben g an adult can be tough at times. I also know God wouldn't give us tasks he doesn't feel we can handle. There gave been many times where I have started writing something and then I give up on the idea because I feel as if I will be digging too deep. There was this one day I was very heated with my dad and his girlfriend about a situation that was going on. I decided to start writing about it. I had stopped when I noticed just how far it was getting ready to go. I love the piece though. I know I love it because of its truth and its very raw. I have my anger let out in the beginning but I managed to let it come together as a sort of biography. It just has a little twist because of the first few lines. The first few lines, in my opinion, make you feel as if you're about to read a twisted story. I titled it Always and Forever.
                                Here's what I wrote:
                                  Always and Forever
                                   By: Katrina Taylor
She thought she had everyone right where she wanted them.
She has always been spiteful and willing to do whatever she could to get what she wanted.
The one she married, turned her into a woman unrecognized.
She became cutthroat and ready to get people before they got her.
A strong mom and willing to go after those who went after her own.
She tried hard to become a mom again.
She went through fertilities and all she could to get the chance at bringing another being into the world.
Unfortunately, doctors confirmed she was not able to conceive children.
She went through what she says was raped by her husband's brother.
The family couldn't believe it because they knew at times she was a big liar and a manipulator at times.
Soon she became depressed and allowed herself to succumb to the wrong things in life.
Soon a drug addiction came into play.
It took over her life for some time.
She didn't have her daughter for quite some time.
She came across a man who changed her for the better.
He got rid of all those feeding her the drugs.
She became a stronger and smarter woman day by day.
As year's passed she became a mom again.
There was some difficulty because she was sneaking drugs in her system.
Come delivery day her and her daughter had complications you wouldn't believe.
Thankfully, they made it through.
A beautiful baby girl who became the woman's miracle child.

I have come to know when I get in my feelings that's when the worker things come out of my mouth. I also have known when I try to do things for people, there are times when I need the help and then there's nobody to help me. It's kind of funny how that works out. I'm expected to not be mad about it. I'm expected to keep my composure and it makes me wonder. I know I must work on myself and be able to love myself before anyone else. Of course, I know I love myself. I know there is always room for improvement. I know I will never forget about wanting to go to school and not have to worry about why I don't have the money. I know I have the drive the capability of being able to work two jobs and get everything I want. When it comes to what I want, I always feel as if it goes to the back burner. I have felt that way over the years because it's always about what I need to do.

As I have become an adult and I continue to grow I have been able to understand it because I need to survive. I go to do the things I need to do for me to have what I need and want. There is always going to be something better and always something I need. I know I can't expect other people to take care of me. I know I must do it myself. I understand that one completely. I know no one else can come to my rescue. I know it because it never works that way. It's something which makes me mad at times. At the same time, it makes me push harder. It makes me want to prove to myself I can do it and I will be the one to stand victorious at the end. I know I am strong, and I must tap into it more than I do now. I understand I must stand tall and not take everything so seriously. Yet, with the way the world is today, it's hard not to take everything seriously.

When it comes to what I do on most days, it's funny. It's funny because when I'm off, I write my devotions. I take notes on recipes. I work on my writing and I will play candy crush. I will even sit on my phone and watch Hell's Kitchen on the Roku app. I like being able to also read on Wattpad. I have read many stories on this app. Being able to write in Wattpad is wonderful. I want to be able to see how big my fan base can get. I like being able to know some of my work is relatable to others. I like knowing though my past can pop up in my mind and make me feel depressed or worrisome, it's helpful for others because it gives them a chance to see they aren't the only ones going through the craziness of life. I know with this generation they are very different from when we were growing up. The same was said when we were growing up.

I have tons of friends on Facebook and many I truly know on a personal level. Each of the. Have taught me something about life. They continue to teach me things even if I don't see them. When I'm reading all the different posts, I learn about what's going on in their lives. I learn about things going on around me I didn't know about. It's true you learn something new every day. Even if you aren't looking to learn something, you still find yourself in the position. We have teachers all over the place. I know with each job I get and every new task I take on, there are tons of different ways to do something. I can now say I have learned about many different things. I can also say I can cook. I have a little trouble with the small stuff, but I'm getting there. I have been learning and I have learned how to gain my confidence in it.

I know I must believe I can do it or else it won't work. I know I fight with myself many times. I have recently started trying to defend myself when it comes to when I go to pick up things by myself. You know where I try to grab everything at once. There are people who love me who are like I can help you. I'm used to doing it myself and I know some of the people who are telling me about not lifting are those who aren't supposed to be lifting too much themselves.