Seething Journey

Chapter 10

I know I have a story in me. I know everyone in the world has a story they want to tell. I know there are people in my family who have won awards for writing. I know there are family members who have told me stories about when they used to write. They have also told me about how they stopped writing because of all the criticism they used to get. It was about how they shouldn't write about what they wanted to write about. I have been told the same things and when I tried to stop writing there were people outside my family who spoke up. There were questions asked and people telling me they could t picture me not writing because it's something I have always done. I use all of it to fuel me to keep going.

With me getting back into writing, my passion is coming out. I can touch the ideas I have been letting sit for a while. I can find new ways to keep myself inspired. I have also gotten back into reading books too. With all the reading and the writing, it gives me more ideas and stamina. With writing being a hobby, I have found I can still work, and I can exercise, and I can go do things. I just know I don't want anything to collect dust, so I'm going to go back to posting my stories on Wattpad. It's the place my writing has had the most turn out. I know it takes time to gain followers and get reads, but at least people are reading my work. I even got to do a poetry slam with some friends. It was just three of us, but it was fun. After all, that's the whole point. I enjoy the thrill.

The thrill is the best part at times because when you know you found your groove; you just want to let it out. I do that a whole lot. Recently I was talking with my great grandmother and I was talking to her about my stories I wrote growing up. When she asked me about where they are, I told her my mom has them. She asked me why she has them and I told her my mom wouldn't let me take them when I left home back in 2014. She asked me how come I didn't ask my mom about sending them to me. Me being the person I am, I told her the truth. I have been asking my mom for those stories and journals for years. It's been a journey for me trying to recreate those stories. There is just a part of me which gets frustrated that they aren't coming out the same way they did back then.

It does bother me how my mom got mad at me saying I wrote lies about her hitting me and my siblings. The things I wrote in my journals were the truth. It was things I went through and all of us went through. It hurt me knowing she won't talk to me because of what she believes is lies. I know what happened, and I have been told many times, to write what I know. My mom seems to think I published a story about lies of her hitting and yelling and screaming at me and my siblings. I hate to admit it but that's what my days growing up was. There were good times don't get me wrong. Yet, there were tons of times dealing with the yelling and screaming and having one full summer of getting your behind whooped because your father feels you should have been watching your siblings when technically he is sitting right there on the couch sleeping.

The conversation with my Nana (great grandmother) made me truly think about all the things I have gone through. I know it's crazy to go from one extreme to the other. It was a journey I went through and I continued to go through until I moved here now. I am trying to get myself back into being the lively and happy go, lucky person, I once was. The difference is I allow all the bad in the world to affect me and my actions. It makes me nervous to walk home at night from my new job. It makes me scared to think something might happen to me if I don't pray before I leave the house or my job. I get frazzled when I hear about the murders and the fact that things are happening to people who have been living life to only have it ripped away.

I want to do and be so many things in life. I don't want to be just an anybody and die without having done something worthwhile. I have thought many times since I learned about Wattpad, what it would be like if I had taken all those stories and posted them. It's just something I have always had in the back of my mind. I tried to recreate them, and it just makes me sad. It makes me sad because I don't know why I can't make them turn out even maybe 10 times better. I used to love being able to sit down and come up with different things to write about. Now I literally have different websites saved on my laptop because I can't seem to come up with anything to write about. I look over these different prompts and I get frazzled because I know I'm starting over.

Since I'm starting over, I know I got to do what I can to get back to be the writer I once was. I know that would include dealing with the anger and backlash that comes from it. I know being young and writing about what I have gone through in my life, doesn't seem like the best idea to the older generation. Yet I know in some way it will help others. I know I haven't gone through the rough parts of life but I have seen what can happen because of the choices I have made. I know I go back and forth with myself all the time. I know I continue to fight with everything in me. I know I don't want to give up on my writing. I continue to watch videos and read. I'm always looking at different things to learn for me to get better. I like being able to learn more to build on my skills.

I know when I sit down, and I start writing I can go as far as I want to with it. I like knowing when I start writing I can take everyone on a journey including myself. I know it seems crazy and there are people in the world far better, but I know there is only one person who is me. I know I am the only one who can write the way I do. I am the only one who can tell my life story the way I do. I know there have been memories I have put way far back in my cranium. I know that I truly can let everything out and I can help people. Today I was able to talk about memories I did even realize I had. It's nutty how when you stop to think about it, there are childhood memories you have that no one else thought you could remember or didn't realize you did remember at such a young age.

There are chances we take in this life. There are opportunities we miss out on. There are some we take. I know when the opportunities come, I don't like to miss them. I don't like to miss them because I don't ever want to regret things. I know through my past there are plenty of things I have regretted. Yet with that regret, I have come to know they wouldn't have made me the person I am today. I had to make those choices and do what I have done to learn on my own. I had to truly see what was going to happen and what there was to learn. I know that everything had come together with the way it should. I understand why God had set my life up the way he did. I know he wants me to follow his path, and I am going to continue to do it. I'm going to do what I can to follow suit. I know I can get where I want to be if I stay on that straight path.

I know being on the right path will get me where I need to be. I know trusting in the Lord will get me there. I know I got to do what's right and make sure u keep my best interest in it too. I know there is no one who knows better than me. I know this because I have a lot left to live. I know I have learned a lot from the things I have been through. Even if it was from a young age. I know I can do whatever I want to if I truly believe it. I got to go after what I want. I got to remember my family and the friends I have are here with me. I know it takes a lot of determination. I know I got to give myself the chance to do it. I know I will learn as I go. I know there is always room to improve. I know I got to rely on myself and the knowledge I have. I know I have no choice but to do it.

I know this because it has been told to me. It's been said time and time again. I have also been told not to underestimate myself. A teacher I consider a mentor of mine has made me see it more than once. With her letting me know I taught her something just as much as she taught me, made me feel wonderful inside. My abilities to take my life and use it has made an impact on not just me but the people around me as well. I know I won't have to justify anything anymore because I am an adult. I know I have made choices because I have chosen to. I have been learning from my mistakes. I am continuing to learn something new every day. I know my writing will continue to grow. I know it will continue to grow because I continue to do it. I know for me to be a writer; I must write.