The Suicide Effect | ✓

thirty-five

Farlan and I handed in our English project today. It turned out to be more about Becks than I'd ever intended.

We had to do a five minute speech about whatever we wanted to - he suggested that we should do it about Becks. He said that it would be interesting - rememberance from one person who didn't know the deceased at all and one who knew her very well.

Stupidly, I agreed.

So up we got, standing in front of the whole class. I was brutally reminded of her funeral - of the way that everyone had watched me then.

"Hey everyone," Farlan said with his charismatic grin.

A couple of the girls in the front row giggled - I might have rolled my eyes had my body not been so clammed up.

"We're Farlan and Gayle and we're here to talk about..." He looked at me, cueing my entry.

I inhaled slowly. "The suicide effect," I said in a cracked voice that was not nearly so clear or confident as Farlan's.

"I don't think that we need to explain all that much," he continued. It was one of those moments where he swept everyone away, tearing their focus from me so that I could regain my composure. Or gain it, I suppose. I didn't really have it to start off with. "One day, Rebekah Wilde was here laughing among all of you. The next she was gone.

"Why she did it I doubt we'll ever know, but the effect that it had on us is something that we do know - something that we can talk about." He gave me a sideways glance. "Obviously, you all know that Gayle was her best friend. And you all know that I never knew her. But today we're going to do a switch.

"Today, Gayle Peterson is going to become the girl who never knew Becks and I am going to become the boy who was her best friend. And we're going to be brutally honest because that's something that we can do when we're switching."

He smiled at me and nodded encouragingly. I could almost hear him thinking at me: go on, Gayle. Show them when you're made of.

"I never knew Becks," I said. My mouth ran dry at the irony. I wasn't sure if I could actually do this. "To me she is just someone that they talk about - a fictional character, perhaps. All I know is her legacy. I do not know what she was ever like."

I paused and took a deep breath. "But I see what her death has done to people. I see her best friend as he can't stop crying - I can't help but wonder if Becks knew what she was doing to him. I see the boy she used to have a crush on as he continues with his life nonchalantly - but without the sparkle that her jokes and constant company used to give him. And I see people who never really knew her - I see as they pity her friends, as they hurt a little with second hand pain.

"I see the regret in her enemies' eyes as they wonder what might have happened had they acted differently. But most of all I see her best friend appear again and again - all the time - as he blames himself day in, day out, convinced that it's really his fault.

"Because he knows that it is.

"And again I wonder if she considered him. I wonder if she stopped to think what he might feel.

"And how he has to cope with those feelings for the rest of his life."

I stopped then because that was the end of what I'd prepared. And the silence hit me hard - because everyone was listening: everyone was thinking.

Some even looked like they were about to cry.

And then Farlan began to speak.

"I knew Becks better than anyone else did," he said. He sounded really convincing - I swore that I could hear the real raw pain in his voice. "But it's funny because I never expected her to do this.

"She was the person who I trusted with everything; the only one who knew my deepest and darkest secrets.

"But she didn't trust me with this.

"I look around and people are crying or feeling down because she's gone. But no one's feeling like I am.

"I am hurting more than hurt can ever describe. I feel as though I have been torn in two; shredded by dinosaur bites. I feel as though I am constantly burning - like I will never escape this eternal hell.

"And I feel guilty, too - so guilty because I was her best friend and I should have known. It's all my fault.

"And for a moment, I'm jealous of the girl who never got to know her - because sure, she never had Becks cracking cheesy jokes at her or driving her crazy in a good kind of way but she'll never have to feel this either.

"I wish I never had to feel this."

He stopped then and looked at me. A sinking feeling battered the pit of my stomach - I was suddenly sure that he was going to deviate, to say something that I wasn't going to like.

He didn't disappoint.

"And this girl - she looks at me and she sees that I'm torn up inside - but she thinks that I'm wrong. She thinks that I really can't blame myself; she thinks that it's not my fault.

"But I also think that she's wrong.

"I'm so hurt and so brutally scarred forever that I cannot ever see how right she really is - however hard I try."

He looked away from me then, training his eyes on the back wall with a clenched jaw.

"I was her best friend and while she was alive, I tried to do everything that I could to be loyal and a good friend. She was my best friend and I love her to pieces - I loved her to pieces - and because of that, I am blind to the fact that she is the one who let me down and that she is the one who was selfish.

"I am blind to the fact that it is not my fault and I will probably be blind to it forever."

My fists were clenched in balls. I was shaking. He shouldn't have said that he shouldn't have said that he shouldn't have said that -

"Everyone thinks about the person who has committed suicide - they tell us to understand, that it would be cruel to force them to continue with life - but no one really, truly thinks of the others. Consider her friends, her family and even those who just saw her down the hallway and smiled at her. They're the ones affected.

"And that is the suicide effect."

He stopped then and smiled, thanking everyone for listening.

Our teacher gave us an A* for the project.

I didn't talk to Farlan for the rest of the day.