The Suicide Effect | ✓

fifty

There comes a point in everyone's life when things just sort of click into place. That point when you're running and that final sprint comes so easily, or that perfect breath of fresh air just before you dive into the water. That point when it suddenly dawns on you just how stupid you've been or perhaps how you were right all along. 

It's when your demons stop wreaking havoc for just a single moment; when you suddenly forget why it is that you've ever hated life; when you just stop and stare out at the world and it's a fresh, clear, winter morning and it's silent and still.

For me, it was today.

It was today that it hit me, like running water crashing at my feet.

We did the speech. We won.

I cried a little. Farlan hugged me a little.

But that's not important - none of it really is.

What's important is all of this:

Today, I understood that I was not entirely at fault. Farlan's words cut right through me - like a knife reaching for my spine. It's true that I am to blame. Partially. It's true that there are things that I could have done differently - that there are things that I should have done differently.

But I didn't - and I must live with that. I must live with the fact that I made choices that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

But I wasn't the only one who made choices.

Becks did too.

It's only now that I realise just how many she made. And sure, it wasn't all her - just like it wasn't all me - but she could have tried. She could have taken the pills; she could have told me something.

But she didn't. She didn't, and I can never change that.

The thing I'm trying to say is that no one's really at fault here - the only thing that we can wholly blame is the mental illness that gripped her mind, the darkness and depression that held her so tightly in its grasp.

I played a part. She played a part.

But we didn't cause what happened. It was a tragedy: a pure, heartwrenching tragedy that I will never fully recover from. But I am not a criminal for what I did.

All I was - all I am - is a girl who lost herself in the midst of her mourning. I'm a girl who made mistakes over and over again; a girl who was wrong and kept telling herself everything that was wrong so much that she began to hate herself.

I am not a killer.

I am not I am not I am not.

I'll probably forget all this by tomorrow. When the morning comes I'll probably wake up, cry a little, text Farlan and tell him that we were wrong - that I am to blame and that everything is my entire fault. I'll probably get angry again and blame Becks and throw the stolen shoes at the bare space on the wall where our pictures used to be.

Who knows?

But right now I have a little tiny slice of peace because I know that the lead up to Becks' death was more than just me. And sure, that slice is microsized, but it exists.

I am not happy. I am not a happy person.

But in this moment, I don't want to kill myself.

In this moment, I don't want to join Becks; I don't want to cry and cry until I drown in my own tears. Right now, I just want to keep on breathing because Farlan's here and I'm here and I think that might be enough for me.

Right now, anyway.

But I miss you, Becks. And that's never going to go away. You were - you  are - my best friend.

I can't forget you that easily.

I won't ever forget you.

Ever.