Grizzam (The Society) One-Shots

Almost- Part One

"She sees in me who I can be, not just the dude I think I am. When someone sees you like that, you want them looking at you forever."

Luke's words had been clouding Grizz's mind for hours now, making his afternoon nap an impossible endeavor. Grizz found himself in the gardens, lost in thought, pulling carrots. For so long now, Grizz had been longing to find that one person. That person who would see him for himself, not the person he portrayed to the rest of the world. He wanted to be seen as more than just the jock or the pot head; he wanted to be seen as the true poetry/play nerd-romantic he was in the inside. The side no one saw. He wanted nothing more than just to be seen, to give all the love he knew he was capable of giving. There was this old film Grizz liked, Moulin Rouge, and one of the opening lines from that movie rang true now more than ever: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, And to be loved in return. Grizz wanted that more than anything.

Grizz thought back to before all of this bullshit happened; back to high school. He pretty much knew he was gay, even then. Only one boy ever caught his eye, however, so he always doubted it. That one boy, was Sam Eliot. Grizz had watched Sam all throughout school, always crushing after him and wondering what went on in his mind. Grizz envied Sam's friendship with Becca, he longed to have that same kind of connection with Sam as Becca did. If Grizz didn't know any better, he would say that Becca and Sam were an item. But he knew Sam was gay, everyone did.

He had only spoken to Sam once, however, at the prom. Thanks to some liquid courage, Grizz had gotten up the nerve to approach Sam. Sadly, he had made a fool out of himself by making Sam believe he couldn't understand his speech. Grizz cringed at the memory. Sam had told Grizz how he hated high school, which Grizz understood why. High school had been hell for Sam. Being New Ham's only out gay kid wasn't easy. Top that off with being deaf, he was a target for anyone with low self esteem. Grizz wished their first encounter had gone better, He needed a better approach.

The main reason Grizz had never approached Sam in high school was due to the language barrier. He knew Sam knew how to read lips, but he hated the idea of forcing him to do so when he had his own language. It didn't seem fair to Sam. And then, it dawned on Grizz: he could learn sign language. I mean it couldn't be that hard, right? But then again, was that a good idea? Should he try to go for Sam? Luke's words played through his mind again. They were all stuck in this anti-universe, with no guarantee of survival. Ever since Emily had died, and Grizz had saw the writing on the wall, Grizz truly didn't know if they would survive this. Maybe, just maybe, Sam wanted the same thing Grizz did. Maybe he could see Grizz, and Grizz knew for sure he could see him. So, why not? Luke had a point in his words, and Grizz couldn't help but feel as if he had to take a chance on them. He had to, he might not live long enough to find out if he waited. And he didn't want to take that chance.

That afternoon Grizz went to the library to try to find a book on sign language. Much to his surprise, he only found one; British Sign Language. English was English, right? For hours on end, until the library closed, Grizz practiced the same signs over and over. He even snuck the book home, locking himself in his room and practicing the same phrase until he got it perfect. Once he was comfortable, he practiced some more without the book, in front of the mirror. I look so stupid, Grizz thought. He reminded himself how he needed to do this. Not just to be able to talk to Sam, but for himself. Grizz had been repressed for so long, denying himself of his true feelings about who he was and what he liked. Now was as good as a time as ever to act on them. To truly be himself. High school was over, there was no more college, now was his only chance.

***

Grizz stood outside of the library for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only about 10 minutes, just second guessing himself. Gordie had said Sam was working at the library until 7 today, and it was 5:15. Just go in, show him your skills, and win him over! Okay, you got this. Maybe I don't got this. Maybe I should just go back to the garden's and work, waisting my numbered days away with the carrots. No, fuck. Just go in there!