Pulse

A Distraction

It's been a week since Aaron left, and I didn't even see him when he picked up his stuff from the porch. He must have grabbed it when I fell asleep on the couch watching Netflix for at least five hours. I haven't been doing much lately. Having my mother over every other day, well kind of involuntary, she insists on coming over every day, but I told her that I can take care of myself.
I sit at the table, alone, pushing my pancake from one side of the plate, taking a small bite, and pushing it around some more. I have made no progress on "letting go". You can't just let go, it takes more than that. I saw a great job opportunity in the paper, and didn't apply. It reminded me of Aaron, and I didn't feel like it.
I should go shopping, I'm running out of food. The only thing I have left are a few blueberries, half a loaf of bread, some cheese, two tomatoes, old lettuce, and four containers of ice cream that I shouldn't eat. I haven't been outside since I put Aaron's stuff outside. I haven't gotten decent sleep since six days ago.
I happen to see the picture of Aaron and the girl. I set my jaw, grab the picture, and as I walk past the trash can, I drop the picture, and I hear faint paper hitting paper, and walk upstairs. I'll go shopping to get my mind off of it for a while. It can't hurt anyways. I need food, and I just need to get out.
I get into our (my) room and go for my drawer for a pair of semi-nice pants. I dig through them, not finding any I'm in the mood for wearing, until I pull out the red bandana. The memories come crashing back, Aaron helping me crash the party, him throwing the guy out the window, then trying to clean it up and cutting himself. I gave him the bandana to stop the bleeding, andI guess he kept it.
I first realized he kept it in college, he put it over his eyes the whole year,and after that as well when the gang moved to the street. He told me he just didn't want people to know what he was looking at, it made him uncomfortable. Then he kept it after that too, I guess I never knew how much he loved me. Not anymore.
I don't care if he loves me anymore, I will always miss him. I wrap the soft fabric around my head, over my eyes, and tie it behind my head in a tight knot. I grab my purse and head to the store.
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I set the last bag down on the clean counter, and catch my breath for just a second. I picked up some fresh fruit, some more bread, and cheese. It isn't much, but at least I'll only have to feed myself. I'm not expecting anyone but my mom, but she'll probably bring cookies or something. She usually brings something even though I insist I don't need anything.