Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

3.Withdrawn

ROLLINS' APARTMENT

I didn't close my eyes again. Instead, I stayed up the rest of the night trying desperately to erase what happened to me from my mind. I couldn't so I showered. Again, I found myself lying there in the bathtub while I allowed the scalding hot water to pour over my flesh, part of me praying that it would melt the skin away from my body and make me feel clean again – at least on the outside. Inside I would never be clean; I would forever have to live with that. I don't know how long I stayed there like that but by the time I'd gotten out, put on fresh pajamas, taken my antibiotics and made myself some tea, the sun was starting to come up and that's when the dread set in; I had to be to work at eight! But I can't go to work; not like this. Every inch of me is covered in bite marks and bruises and I can barely walk; they'll ask questions. No, going into work is definitely NOT a good idea.

***

16TH PRECINCT

"No, Rollins it's fine. You take a few days and get yourself feeling better." Liv said before hanging up the phone.

"Was that Amanda?" Fin asked, handing Olivia a mug of tea.

"Uh, yeah, we're gonna be short-handed for a few days, she's out sick. Thanks" she said as she took the mug from his hand and took a long sip; a pensive look about her face as she then placed the mug on her desk.

"You alright Liv?" Fin asked upon noticing.

"Yeah, um just…" she took a deep breath as if to shake off her thoughts. "So for the time being, I'm gonna have you and Amaro pair with Taylor and Jones."

"Dibs on Jones, that woman can work a pair of jeans! Mmm!" Fin declared and left the office, shutting the door behind him. Olivia sat at her desk and allowed her mind to wander back to where it had been; Amanda. She said that she was sick but Olivia could hear something else in her voice and it didn't sound good. She decided right there that she would keep a close eye on her youngest detective. Maybe she was reading into things that weren't there but in her experience, safe was always the best way to go!

***

ROLLINS' APARTMENT

I lay across the couch staring the phone in my hand.

Liv, help me. Was what I wanted to say the very second I heard her voice on the other end of the phone but I froze, and when I did start to speak I had to fight the urge to completely fall apart. Olivia was that person in everyone's life who they always found comfort in, and when she answered the phone, I realized just how much I wanted - no, needed that comfort right now but I couldn't do it. The words caught in my throat and I choked on them and fought the sob that tried to escape with everything in me, and instead, I just said:

"I… I don't feel well this morning; I could barely get out of bed."

"You don't sound good…"

Because I'm not! I was raped and my mind keeps replaying it and I want to die! Was what I should have said but my shame demanded that I keep quiet and I helplessly obeyed. Now here I lay, feeling isolated and wanting to forget that I'm a cop and hunt down every last son of a bitch who put his hands on me that night and shoot their balls off. That thought, oddly comforted me. My living room was now completely drenched in sunlight and I closed my eyes to the warmth on my face and before I knew it I had given in to sleep.

Later that evening as I lay curled up on my sofa, I wondered if any of them, Chad or his friends ever gave a second thought to what they'd done to me. Did it even cross their minds for a second? Even in passing? Who knows, maybe I wasn't the first and if I was, I knew that I wouldn't be the last.